


Unhappy Triad or Third Time's A Charm?

by kirsten1234



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-27
Updated: 2014-09-02
Packaged: 2018-02-14 23:21:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 49,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2206863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirsten1234/pseuds/kirsten1234
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*This story can also be found on my fanfiction page* Katniss and Peeta are young, married and want nothing more than to complete their family. The road is tougher in unimaginable ways for them but hope can pull them through to the other side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 22 - Two weeks of happiness

Two weeks. Just two weeks of happiness had been all they'd gotten from the first before it ended.

 

She finally twigged after being around 4 weeks late and being filled with nausea for the past several weeks. And she was delighted when she realised her suspicion was most likely correct – they'd been trying for 5 or 6 months and they'd finally created the happiness they'd been after. They'd been married just over a year at the point, and were still young, just 22, with fresh degrees in their hands – both of them were very much wanting to have children young.

 

She let it sink in for a day before speaking to Peeta. She got in from work before he did, so she waited patiently on the couch trying to decide the best way to tell him the possibility of a baby being on the way.

 

"I'm home" he shouted as he opened the front door, and a smile automatically struck her face, "Hey" she called back, "listen, I have something to tell you" she continued, he began to look a little confused, "I don't think we should take that holiday in the summer, neither of us have that much vacation time" she said to him, trying not to burst with the news she was about to break, "Really? You were looking forward to it last week" he replied to her, she nodded before speaking "It might be best to save the vacation time for later, I hear babies need a lot of looking after just after they're born" she looked up directly to his eyes after finishing, his face was a mix of shock and joy, "Are you?" he questioned, "Are you really?" She let out a little laugh, "I haven't done a test, but I'm sure, I'm really late and my stomach's-" she doesn't get to finish her sentence before he's rushed to her, picked her up and spun her around. They laugh and share love between them before they call the doctor's office and make an appointment for the next day.

 

And they definitely are. The joy on both of their faces as the doctor says the word "Congratulations" to them quite soon into their visit. They find out many things, she's almost 10 weeks gone and they are both surprised, thinking it was much earlier, and they learn about prenatal vitamins and things to take note of and things which should and shouldn't be done during pregnancy. After they leave they decide to wait until 12 weeks before telling anyone, and once they get to that point it will be their parents first – so they call up both sets and arrange a lunch for just over two weeks' time, just after they leave the first trimester.

 

The first few days are bliss, with Peeta doting on her constantly, but they soon settle into their regular routine again, going to work and then coming home to each other and spending time with each other. Normally they'd spend a few evenings a week with friends, and often a day at the weekend, but they don't. They don't want to accidentally say anything.

 

It's the last day of the first trimester it happens. Just two days before their lunch with their parents.

 

Katniss hadn't been feeling 100% all day, she stayed home from work when her morning sickness overtook her for a few hours in the early hours of the day, and Peeta promised he'd come home for lunch to see how she was feeling, it was quite lucky he did.

 

By midmorning Katniss was able to get out of bed and have some toast, it was then she felt a little tense across her lower abdomen. She gently massaged it and went back to tidying up the bedroom a bit before heading back to the kitchen to make soup for Peeta for lunch.

 

It was just starting to boil when a pain struck her across her whole lower abdomen, she felt herself bend at the middle and clutched to the edge of the countertop to keep herself up. Her knees began to weaken and she hastily turned off the stove before allowing herself to slump on the floor and moan out in pain. The pain and tension now felt like cramping and she feared immediately what was happening. She whispered soft words to their young unborn child, begging it to be alright, providing comfort. She let her tears fall almost silently, but let out a scream of pain when she tried to stand to reach the phone – she'd have to wait for this to end or for Peeta to come home. Ten minutes later her worries were confirmed when she could tell she had started to bleed. She didn't need to look to know what it was, and she knew now that the inevitable couldn't be stopped. So her shield went up and her eyes glassed over and she lost all sense of space and time.

 

Peeta arrives home before 1pm, "Katniss?" he calls out, not too loudly, but she manages to hear it from her spot on the kitchen floor. She can't bring a response out from within her, so she remains quiet on the floor. She can hear him trying to quietly go up the stairs and opening their bedroom door. When he sees the room is tidy and the bed is made he rushes through the upper floor of their house before heavily running back down the stairs. He gasps in horror at the sight of Katniss huddled on the kitchen floor, hands covering her stomach, legs held tight together, head leaning back on the cabinet, eyes glazed with unshed tears, he kneels next to her "Katniss, baby?" he softly comforts her, she snaps out of it as soon as he speaks, and her tears fall over her cheeks, "I think-" she chokes on her words, "Cramping … bleeding …" she trailed off a little and he understood what was happening, they were losing their baby. He was unsure what to do, take her to hospital? Call their doctor? Let what's happening happen naturally on its own time? He strokes her head and tries to soothe her, but he feels like his heart is breaking – they wanted this baby so much, but they're young, there's plenty of time, "It'll be ok Katniss, we'll be ok" he whispers gently to her, making a snap decision to call the doctor, who asks him to take her to the emergency room and get an ultrasound right away, the call ends with the doctor sending apologies their way and him giving a brief thanks before hanging up.

 

He manages to pick Katniss up and take her upstairs, quickly changing her from her pyjamas which have been stained by blood – not much, but noticeable enough. He packs a quick bag and helps Katniss downstairs to the car, "I'm sorry, Peeta" she sobs as she sits down with a painful expression on her face, "I'm so sorry" she says again as he gets into the driver's side, "Don't be Katniss, don't apologise, you did nothing wrong, I promise you that" he tells her while he drives almost on autopilot, not wanting to breakdown.

 

They don't have to wait long, he holds her close with his arm and she rests her head on his shoulder while they do, her face morphed into a permanent expression of pain and her hands wrapped on her stomach. When they go through the nurse asks them some general questions, she manages to get out everything that had happened that day and lets the nurse know that they should be 12 weeks tomorrow. The nurse just nods and gets on with carrying out the ultrasound.

 

It's silent throughout the procedure, no sound of a beating heart, and it's confirmed to them both that they've lost the baby. The nurse takes some measurements and lets them gently know that the growth is showing about 11 weeks, it breaks them both that their little one has been gone for almost a week now and it's just at this point they're finding out.

 

She gives them some guidance and gets Katniss taken up to the maternity department where there are specialist midwives to provide care. It's here where they really start to take in what has happened, and they break down into tears in each other's arms once they're in the private room they've been assigned, where many others before them have gone through the same dreadful experience.

 

Shortly after their arrival, Katniss finds her waters have broken, leading to another round of fresh sobs; it just brings the reality closer to them. They'll have to face it soon, no matter how much they want this and the pain to just go away and leave them in peace and happiness. The midwife gives them the options, though Katniss feels so weak, she doesn't honestly think she can make a decision, so Peeta has to do it. He knows he needs to think about what Katniss would want, but he wants the one which will cause least pain, and he knows to make that choice soon, she's writhing in pain on the bed, tears streaming down her expression of terror. They're able to give her some more pain relief while Peeta decides, the midwives say they've got time, Peeta doesn't see how, but he'll let himself believe them. The medicine is able to calm Katniss down, and she begins to drift off to a slightly restless sleep. He decides he must make a call – to Katniss' mother. She's a nurse, and even though they didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy to start with, they must do so now in these terrible circumstances.

 

The phone rings a few times before she answers, "Hello?" she says, pleasantly unaware of the nature of the call, "Hi Mrs Everdeen, it's Peeta" he says, trying to keep his voice steady as he speaks to her, "Hi Peeta dear, how are you?" he can't lie to her, he's able to stretch the truth a little, but this would be too large a stretch. "Not good, if I'm honest" he can feel his voice about to crack, "Peeta, what's going on?" Mrs Everdeen firmly says into the phone, she's good in emergencies, in times of panic, it's when her nurses training kicks in. "It's Katniss" he manages, "we're at the hospital" he takes a few breaths, she's giving him the space to let her know on his own time, "she's … she's having-" he stumbles, "-a miscarriage" he's able to get out. He can hear the deep breathing on the other end of the line, "Oh Peeta" Mrs Everdeen says eventually, "How is she?" he's not quite sure how to respond, he could only say she's terrified and in pain and he doesn't know how to stop it. "She can't make the decision, I have to do it, I don't know what she'd want, I just don't want her to be in so much pain" his voice eventually cracks and he finds a few escaped tears have reached the bottom of his chin. Mrs Everdeen understands what he's talking about, and she can feel her heart wrench for her eldest daughter who has always been so strong and un-requiring of so much from her mother, but now she needs a lot. She can only think this is what the lunch was about that had been organised for a few days from now, they were most likely going to announce they were expecting to both the Everdeens and Mellarks at the same time, from her nursing she knew most people wait until 12 weeks, so she guessed that's about where her daughter was at. "If it were me, I'd choose natural" she told him as gently as she could over the phone, "We'll come and be there, I can go over everything before they give her anything, is there time?" she asks him, "Yeah, they said there was time, she's had some pain relief, I think she's asleep right now" he heard her sigh over the phone, "that's good, she'll need rest." Mrs Everdeen could feel herself beginning to get emotional, but she tried her best to put her nurses mask on, she had to be a rock for them as well as a nurse, she couldn't let them see her dissolve in front of them when they'll be going through much worse than her. "Hold tight Peeta, it will all be alright" she soothed him, and then asked "have you called your parents or would you like me to get them on our way?" "Could you?" he said, giving in to his exhaustion, he couldn't face telling more people now, "Of course" Mrs Everdeen replied, "We'll see you soon, it will be ok."

 

He went back to the midwife, "Can we wait until her mother comes? She's a nurse; I think it will be a comfort for her." He asks her, sighing and running a hand through his hair, "Absolutely" she tells him with a sad smile and a pat on his shoulder. He makes his way back to her bedside, and perches next to her, holding her hands in his, looking at the frailty of her body. She turns her head to look at him, sorrow fills her eyes, and she tries to sit up, he quickly puts his arms around her and pulls her upwards, trying to stem the pain from the simple action. "Just hold me" she whimpers, and so he does. She moans in pain every so often, which the midwives say are contractions. Neither of them thought that labour would have to complete for this to all be over, for some reason it was never considered. How the small baby would leave just seemed to be a mysterious process – much too complex for their two young minds to grasp. Others their age and younger have been here, losing a little one, but it happening to them just hadn't run through their minds.

 

He comforts her through the contractions and pains she has, which come variably, and sometime later Mrs Everdeen quietly knocks on the door and enters, letting them know that the Everdeens and Mellarks are all here for them. Peeta lets Mrs Everdeen in to comfort her daughter, and he steps outside to see his parents and Mr Everdeen. His mother was never the greatest fan of the Everdeens, but she couldn't help but feel something in this moment, and Peeta was thankful he wouldn't have to worry about her saying something. Soon Mrs Everdeen beckoned for Peeta to come back in. Katniss was on her feet, pacing the room with one hand on her flat stomach and the other on her back, she didn't even acknowledge Peeta as he came in, then Mrs Everdeen spoke, "I think you should go natural, both professionally and personally. I think, as horrible as it sounds, that you're progressing well" she brushed the hair off her daughters face as she said this and gave her a sympathetic look, "and I think as a couple it will be best for you, it's just the sort of people you are. It could give you closure, you could have a proper burial if you wanted." Katniss almost shouted her 'Yes' as soon as a burial was mentioned, Peeta couldn't help but agree with her, it was as a life, it had lived, no matter how small it would be, it deserved to be remembered. "Of course sweetheart" he said to her as he stopped her pacing and stood in front of her, she wrapped her arms around his neck, but kept her body away from his, she leant over, keeping as much of her body weight on Peeta as she could while she swayed a little side to side. "I can tell, I can feel it, it's going to happen soon" she almost sobbed in a whisper to Peeta, he nodded in response to her, "I'm here, I'll always be here, every step of the way, with you." He turned to Mrs Everdeen and softly asked her "Could you tell the midwife our plan, and I think we'd like to stay here, I don't think we could do this at home" he says, with a glance to Katniss. Mrs Everdeen nods and leaves silently.

 

The midwives in the hospital are great to both of them – they provide support but keep a distance when it's right for the couple to be alone. And they are alone together when it happens, how they feel it should be. It seems reasonably quick compared to the rest of the process, for it's now almost 10pm, it barely took 20minutes for it to happen. Katniss expressed her fears and terror of having to push before it had occurred, but her mother relaxed her, spoke to her, and rested her mind for the moment. Katniss felt the pain in her heart when she found she had to push, though she didn't physically feel much as she was so mentally numb to everything that was happening. And Peeta was there, helping her as much as he could, giving her kind words and whispering his love for her into her ears for only her to hear.

 

It was tiny. A little bigger than a few inches long, but no longer than three – but it was clear. They knew it was their baby. Their son. They were allowed to take as long as they wished, and they spent the moments after having a time of rest between the two of them before turning focus to their little one. They clean and talk to their child, give words of love and kindness, promises. Promises of never forgetting, always loving, and that life will be good for the little one from now on, any suffering felt was over.

 

Katniss allowed her mother to take photographs, they might want them in the future, and Mrs Everdeen had been instructed to keep them safe forever. Though no photographs of either of them, if they looked back they wouldn't want to think of the sadness they had held, they'd want to remember their son, who had brought them joy even for only a short time.

 

It took several more hours for the rest of the tissue to be expelled and she finally let a midwife carry out an examination on her. The midwife was gentle and kind, and offered them support, Katniss felt like she was more of a friend than a working professional, it made her feel more comfortable – though it didn't make a dent in her feelings about the rest of the experience. Katniss had tried to provide Peeta some comfort and calming words, but he wouldn't accept them, he was adamant that she needed them more, for she was the one who had felt it all, had to birth their tiny child. But he definitely felt more upset about it than he was letting on.

 

By the next lunchtime, she was discharged, they said she could go home, but just be careful for the first 24-48hours, and to watch for more bleeding, although they expected it would be fine. They gave her a follow up appointment with her regular doctor for the following week, just a standard check-up which was always carried out, but if there were worries or concerns, they'd be welcome back to where they'd been – Katniss silently refused this offer, she didn't want to be back at that place. This thought made her thankful that Peeta got them to stay there; she couldn't have imagined having to do that at home, where she'd have to continue her life normally.

When they stepped outside the room to leave, and she saw her father, she went straight to his arms. She was always a daddy's girl and even being in her twenties now and after what they had just gone through, she still felt like a little girl. Vulnerable, weak, helpless. Her father held his strong arm around his eldest daughter and supported her to the car. He held her for the entire journey, and then helped her into their home and up the stairs, leaving her in her room. Peeta rode back separately, he was a little grudged to do so, but her father was the only one who loved her more than he himself did, so he knew she was in safe hands. They'd already arrived when he got back, and her father was sitting in the lounge with a cup of coffee, her mother already cleaning the kitchen and starting to prepare meals for the coming week. He went upstairs and found her standing just a foot inside their bedroom doorway, her shoulders slumped, looking defeated. "Hey" he greeted her with a small hint of a smile, placing a kiss on her cheek and forehead, her face was a slate, free of emotions, "I don't know what to do" she said to him quietly. "I'll help you" he tells her, leading her to sit on the bed. He collects clean and comfortable lounge clothes for her and helps her change before getting her settled under the bed covers, "Rest, sleep" he tells her, tucking her in and kissing her forehead before shutting the curtains. He checks the door is closed before lying down on top of the bedding next to his wife, wrapping his arms around her the best he can. And they sleep together, loving and comforting, trying to decipher how they will continue on from this point.

 

Her mother stays over in their guest room for almost two weeks, both of their fathers visit every few days, alternating between them. But his mother never comes – Peeta gets it, he's fine with it. Peeta tries his best to understand what has happened, he reads about it a lot, and after a week or so, he understood that a miscarriage can happen for no reason if the pregnancy just wasn't meant to be. The statistics on them shocked him a little, there was a reasonably high proportion of pregnancies ending in miscarriage – they were just one of a whole group of unlucky couples. After the first week Katniss begins to get around a bit more, never leaving the house, but moving between the different rooms, silently though, almost like a ghost. She moves from the bed to the bathroom then to the couch in the lounge, then rotates between the three.

 

Peeta is delighted to see her improve during the second week, it begins with a few words, then longer conversations – always just with Peeta though, and always about how much she loves him. He lets her though, she needs to take her own time with this. Then she starts back with intimate gestures, initiating embraces and kisses. But again these are just for Peeta, she doesn't show anything to anyone else, even though her friends come and see her and try to get something out of her. Annie and Delly are gentle and sit with her and embrace her and smooth her hair as she lets a few tears slip in front of them. Johanna lies next to her on the bed and tells her it will all work out sooner or later and tells her she's only young. As she leaves though, Johanna tells her they're all there for her when she wants them. Gale was very awkward, he sat at the end of the bed, while she had her legs outstretched, and he patted her foot and gave his apologies for their loss. Other friends flitted in and out with her parents and his father, and she slowly opened up to a few more people at a time.

 

She felt it took 4 weeks to feel a lot more like herself, "I'm feeling better" she told Peeta with a small smile as he got out of bed that Saturday morning. He gave her a wide smile in return, "that's good" he replies to her, "Do you want to go out for a walk then maybe?" she nods and smiles a little again, which in turn he gives her back. They spent that day outdoors; together, taking in the fresh air that she hadn't realised she'd missed. It made her tired, but it was a good type of exhaustion, and although the next day was tough, in the long run the days seemed to get a bit better for them.

 

But they never forgot the precious existence and memories of their first born, their son.


	2. 25 - Twenty three weeks to be exact

It's longer this time, almost 6 months, 23 weeks to be exact. And it took longer to agree to letting the situation occur in the first place.

 

It was over a year after they lost their son when sweet Delly approached Peeta – she was expecting twins soon and wanted to reach out to Katniss, she asked Peeta if Katniss might want to be there, to help her see the good that can come from having a baby, see the birth. Peeta thought it a great idea, and such a great gesture for Delly to share something like that with Katniss, but he was hesitant. Katniss had made clear 'no babies' from soon after the miscarriage, she felt better but didn't want to consider a baby quite so soon or at this point, she told Peeta maybe in the future, but he really couldn't be certain of when this would be.

 

He struggled to raise the subject with Katniss, but one day he just managed to get it out when she was talking about the shower for Delly, "Delly asked me something the other day, she wanted to know what you thought" he started, she looked at him with a slight quizzical glance, "Why couldn't she ask me, I just saw her not an hour ago?" Peeta shrugged, "It was about her birth plan, she asked-" he paused, "She asked if you might want to be there, she wants to reach out-" Katniss cut him off, "No!" she almost yelled, her face flushed, tears already in her eyes, she turned quickly and rushed upstairs, slamming their bedroom door and loudly locking it. Peeta dropped his head, and allowed himself to feel upset for the time being. He didn't like setting her off, but she was handling it well now, it had been over a year, he couldn't help but feel guilty when he thought she should be handling this better, she couldn't see this might be good for her.

 

He gave her a few hours, often she just needed a little breathing space then she would come looking for him, usually with tear stained cheeks, needing comfort and someone to talk to their son with. It had to be him; they hadn't told anyone other than her mother that it was a boy. It just felt like that should be private, something special between them. But after 4 hours and the onset of darkness and silence throughout the house, he was worried and wanted to do something. He crept upstairs as silently as he could, gently he tried the bedroom door, which he found to still be locked. He looked for signs of light coming beneath the door, but there was none. He couldn't hear her inside, she could just be sleeping, but it was likely she was hiding and crying. He knocked, but could hear its echo on the other side, "Katniss?" he said with his face pressed against the wood, "Please let me know you're ok …" he paused, "I love you, we can talk you know, we can talk to him if you want, just let me know, let me know what you want." He thought he heard a few movements, and he held his hand on the door handle. Her laboured breathing became more prominent and he could tell she'd been crying for a long time.

 

She raised her hand slowly to the lock and twisted it, the bolt sliding back from the door frame and into the wood of the door. She shook slightly as she placed her fingers firmly on the handle. Slowly she turned it, allowing the door to be free, then she moved it towards herself, opening the door.

 

She found him on the other side, and she quickly found his warm body to hug, his arms quickly squeezed around her.

 

She looked a sight to him when she let the barrier open – her hair was a mess, she had on only her simple underwear and her robe loosely tied around her at the waist, exposing more than she'd want. The bed was made, but the pillows strewn a bit, the windows were all wide open, and gusts were strongly blowing into their room. When his arms clasped around her body, she was freezing, her skin as cold as ice, but she hadn't seemed to have noticed.

 

She appreciated his warmth while they both muttered repeated apologies to each other, and profusely asked each other to stop, which happens with several tender kisses of comfort. They go over and sit on the edge of the bed. He eventually raises an eyebrow at her, she rests her cheek against his body and slowly nods, he can feel fresh tears soaking into his shirt. Shortly after, they begin their ritual of words to their son.

 

Katniss begins to call Delly every few days just two weeks after the incident, she doesn't know what triggers it, but something inside tells her to do it. Delly is pleased to answer Katniss' calls, and happily chats away about almost anything. Once she reaches 36 weeks, Delly begins to discuss her birth plan, it shakes Katniss a lot, but she promises Delly she'll be at the hospital, maybe not in the room, but she'll see at the time.

 

And she is there when the time comes three weeks later when Delly gives birth to her twins, which both end up being boys – Katniss only stayed for the first, after the cries and the doctor announcing "It's a boy" everything in her mind was so confusing, she couldn't untangle her thoughts or emotions. She silently rushed out and found Peeta in the waiting room to hold her. Later that night in bed, she tells him that she could maybe do it one day, get pregnant again.

 

It's just a few days after her 25th birthday when she finally thinks it might be true. She didn't notice anything the first month she missed it, but missing it a second time set off a few triggers in her mind. As did the nausea which seemed to be constant, and so did the sudden tenderness of her breasts, which also seemed to have grown from their usual small size. So while Peeta was at work that Saturday morning, she went to the local store and bought several boxes of pregnancy tests, anxiously walking home at a quick pace to use them all.

 

She used all twelve of them and sat them next to the bathroom sink and waited the time nervously. She took a deep breath before looking at them one by one – and they were all the same, in their own ways telling her she was pregnant. Twelve couldn't be wrong. She found herself crying, a mix of both happy and sad tears, but she was soon filled with just a little excitement to tell Peeta.

 

She picked up the white cardboard gift bag which she'd also bought at the store, and wrote Peeta's name in large letters across the side before filling it with all the pregnancy tests and tying it closed with a yellow ribbon and leaving it on the table by the front door.

 

She headed upstairs and filled the bath with hot water and bubbles before stepping into the relaxing water and waiting for Peeta to get home.

 

Peeta manages to get away from work just in time for lunch, and takes some pastries from the bakery to have after they eat as a little treat – he really hoped Katniss was feeling better. Although she hadn't told him, he knew she was a little under the weather and he worried she was thinking too much. As he enters, before he can even call 'hello' he sees the little bag with his name on it on the table, curiously he picks it up and unties the ribbon, pulling it open. He's shocked when he sees the contents, and gingerly he picks all the pregnancy tests out in one hand, he looks through them all and finds they all are positive – he feels like his heart has stopped beating as he glances over them all and tries to take in what this means.

 

He looks around the lower floor and can't see her, so heads upstairs and immediately sees the open bathroom door. He peeks in and sees her lying back in a bath full of bubbles with her head resting back and eyes closed, he knelt down at the side of the bath and whispered to her, "I love you, sweetheart, I love you Katniss", she turned her head and opened her eyes to look at him. She looked tearful, but there was a smile growing on her face, "We should see the doctor to get it confirmed, but yes," she nods, her voice breaking a little, "I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant" she laughed nervously as a few tears rolled down her cheeks. He then leant over towards the bath and she sat up a bit and they embraced together, sharing laughter and tears and words of love with each other.

 

The doctor confirms it a few days later, "Congratulations" she says to them carrying out an ultrasound, she takes a few measurements to get a due date estimation, "You're measuring at 12 weeks and 3 days, so that puts us at …" she quickly types in some numbers to her computer and pulls up a calendar, "Valentine's day" she smiles at them before continuing about different aspects of pregnancy and a whole variety of things, vitamins are the main thing on her mind seeing as the second trimester has been started.

 

She asks if either of them have any questions before they leave, and Katniss nods, but keeps her lips tightly shut. "Will it be ok?" she takes a deep breath, "We didn't get this far before, when can we be sure it's safe?" The doctor gives them an understanding expression, having been their doctor the last time, "There's never 100% safety, not in any pregnancy, anything could happen, but we look to the best outcome and don't think of the things which could happen along the way. I know it was tough for you before. But everything is looking good so far, right now, it's all ok." She tries to reassure them, Katniss seems wary of it all, and really wants to be excited, but can't help those nagging thoughts in the back of her mind.

 

When they leave they decide to tell their parents that same day, which was one of the things that they thought about from the last time, because they didn't do it. But that was first trimester; they've actually just left that this time around so it would seem the chances are a bit better.

 

They drive to the Everdeen family home, well it's just her parents that live here now that Primrose is in her final year studying, and ring the bell, hoping that there will be someone in.

 

Mr Everdeen answers and Katniss greets him with a warm hug, "Hey kids," he says, "what brings the pair of you here?" he asks as they all go into the living room where Mrs Everdeen is dusting some of the ornaments, "Katniss, Peeta!" she says, hugging them both as they go over to see her. They're all still standing when Katniss takes Peeta's hand in hers and quickly announces, "We're having a baby" she says, and Peeta can detect an almost proud tone in her voice, both of her parents look to the pair of them and between each other, her mother bursts into tears and pulls Katniss into a tight embrace, while her father pats them each on the back and then shakes Peeta's hand, "And it's ok? So far?" he asks them, Katniss pulls away from her mother and wipes her tears on her sleeve nodding, "I took tests over the weekend, and we went to the doctor just now, she said 12 weeks and 3 days, due on Valentine's day" she said, sniffing a little.

 

The rest of the day passed well, with lots of tears at the Everdeens – not so much at the Mellarks though, but both of his parents were happy for them after the last time, Peeta could tell his father was brimming with joy, but he was suppressing a lot of it, he didn't want to tempt fate.

 

They didn't tell their friends yet, though both Katniss and Peeta could tell that Delly saw something different in them, Katniss put it down to the fact that she was a mother herself. She started showing just past the 14 week mark, it was a small bump, but it made them both happy, it meant that their baby was growing and was fine. So they decided to tell their friends the coming weekend when they were going to celebrate Delly's twins second birthday.

 

Katniss wore a dress which managed to cover her quite well, although Peeta was adamant that he could still see their beautiful baby – she knew he was just saying that because of his excess of joy, he hadn't been able to keep his hands off the bump and he was constantly talking to it and asking it questions as much as he could. After all the kids had gone home and Delly had put her two down for a nap, all their friends had stayed gathered in Delly's living room, just chatting, hanging out, having fun, when Delly came back downstairs she headed straight for Katniss, "Are you ok?" she whispered so only Katniss could hear, Katniss gave her a quizzical look then nodded with a small smile, Delly almost grinned in response, and at that point Katniss knew that Delly was on to her.

 

"Hey, guys?" she said, a nervously and cleared her throat a little, "Peeta and I just want to say something" she paused a second, "we're having a baby!" Peeta pulled her into him and kissed her passionately, not caring who saw. It was a flurry of hugs, kisses and congratulations from their group of friends for the next twenty or so minutes, and Delly told Katniss she'd known for a while now, Peeta smirked at this, but Katniss just looked confused, "You can just tell" Delly told her, smiling.

 

Once she reached 4 months at 16 weeks, her bump was easier to spot, and her and Peeta were happy flaunting it around. It was mixed emotions the next week though when they found out they were expecting a son – they wanted to be joyous, they could have their son, but it only made them think of their first son. They desperately tried to stay positive, but Katniss couldn't help feel a slight darkness overhead which seemed even more suffocating when Peeta went away a few days later for a long weekend conference across the country. She put a happy mask on when she waved goodbye to him from the upstairs window, and he blew her a kiss as his taxi drove down the street, but she immediately put her pyjamas back on and got into the bed, wrapping the covers around herself tightly. The phone rings at some point later in the day, but she doesn't answer it, it feels like it's in some different plane to her, but she can hear it ring for several minutes before it stops and starts again a short while later.

 

After this there's a knocking at the front door. The person doesn't go away, they continue knocking and Katniss can hear it becoming more frantic, but she remains in her place. She eventually drifts off into a black restless sleep where she sees terrifying images, reality mixed with some horrendous and frightening world. She's brought out of it by someone calling her name, her mother. She's standing next to the bed, gently shaking Katniss' shoulders when Katniss finally slowly blinks her eyes open. She struggles to focus but she can tell it's her mother's figure. She blinks a few more times until things begin to clear, and her eyes begin to hurt from the sunlight streaming in the window, "What …" she doesn't quite know where to start, "It's Sunday Katniss" he mother says firmly, Sunday?! It was Friday when Peeta left she thinks to herself, "I-" she tries to reply but finds she can't form any other words. Her mother sighed and sat comforting her, "I know it's tough, but there's a life relying on you right now, you need to nourish it and take care of yourself for his benefit." Katniss swallowed, "You know it's a … a boy?" Her mother nodded, "Peeta called on his way to the airport, he knows you well, he knew before he left that you'd go straight back to bed and wouldn't get out, I know you won't have been eating and drinking, I'm giving you fluids, no question." She just nodded and extended her arm to her mother to let her put in the cannula to allow for the fluid bag to be attached – she knew the drill, this wasn't the first time her mother had come and administered her fluids.

 

She had managed to get out of bed for when Peeta had gotten back, and he made her so much better. But she still apologised profusely for her predictable behaviour. He apologised for leaving her, though she wouldn't take the apology, he'd done nothing wrong, it was all her.

 

They treasured her bump as she grew, and even through the complaints of being uncomfortable and her skin feeling so tight, she enjoyed it really. The halfway 20 week point was both joyous and worrying – being just half way there was thrilling, in just double the time she'd spent pregnant so far, there'd be a fully grown baby. But it worried them to no end, there was a fine line between miscarrying and a still birth.

 

It was the 23rd week. She'd been getting more morning sickness recently which was just a downright annoyance – she thought it'd be gone after the first trimester, but no luck. She was up at least twice a night to go to the toilet, and now she was up at 4am on the dot to have a round of sickness every morning. The headaches began on the Wednesday, she discreetly told her mother, who gave her pregnancy-friendly analgesia, it worked a little, but she wished she could take something stronger. The light headed-ness appeared on Thursday, and she was dizzy by the end of the day – she refused to tell Peeta at that moment, they were going away for his eldest brother's wedding and he needed to be there so couldn't drop everything for her, like she knew he would want to if something was wrong. She was still dizzy when she got up on Friday, combined with the nausea and the discomfort she was feeling, it didn't promise to be a good day. She slept for the duration of the 2 hour drive they were taking to the country park that the wedding was taking place in. That day it was just the rehearsal, the actual wedding was the next day – Peeta was a groomsman so he had to be there, and for some reason Katniss found herself refusing to be further than 100 feet from him, so she headed along to the venue as well and just rested in one of the benches which would be filled with guests the following day. They were there only a few, three at most, hours, but people kept asking if she was ok or wanted anything or any help – she found herself saying she was fine, just a little tired, even though she felt dreadful. Later that evening they went to dinner at the hotel with the rest of the family, and she found herself almost falling asleep in her food – so she excused herself and made sure Peeta stayed with his family while she went up to their room. She walked slowly, finding her breathing more laboured with each step. Making it to their room she stripped off her clothes and left them on the floor, she managed to find pyjamas in their luggage and pulled them on before almost falling into the bed.

 

Peeta kissed her hand as she said she was going to bed early, he tried to go with her but she insisted he spend time with his family as they're not often all together. He reluctantly agreed, but decided he'd go up in a couple of hours. It wasn't late, just past 6 pm when she went up, but they all wanted rest for the wedding the next day, so he was heading up before 8 pm. He went in quietly, the light was already on though, and he found her clothes messily bundled on the floor and saw her sprawled across the bed, he smiled lightly seeing her at rest. He picked up her clothes and folded them before going over to the bed; unfortunately he'd have to move her a little. He gently lifted her torso and made her more comfortable. Her skin felt warm under his hands. He touched her again, it definitely wasn't him, it was her. He felt his pulse quicken, he pressed the back of his hand to her forehead: also warm. She was almost burning up. He was able to react quickly when he could barely rouse her, he called an ambulance and gave them all her information, and he made sure they knew she was pregnant. He continued trying to rouse her but he could barely get a response more than a groan or her trying to say his name. "It's ok Katniss, help is coming" he told her several times, trying to calm them both. He left the room door ajar while he collected their things and took them across the hallway to his parents' room, his dad pulled him into a strong hug before he left and told him to forget about the wedding and focus on his wife, he'd already planned to do that anyway.

 

The ambulance arrived a few moments after he had gone back to Katniss, they were swift with their job, lifting Katniss onto a stretcher and securing her there before hurrying off down the hallway of the hotel. Peeta walked quickly at their heels and sat in the back of the ambulance holding her hand the whole journey.

 

When they got to the hospital, which wasn't their usual one as they were a few hours from home, Katniss was taken to the main treatment area and to his disappointment Peeta had to wait outside the doors. He felt like he was losing his mind, he couldn't do anything to help her and he had no idea what was wrong. He felt on the verge of tears but knew he had to hold it together, he was being relied upon. It was like his brain suddenly leapt into action and he remembered he needed to call the Everdeens. His fingers shook as he found their number in his phone and pressed the dial button. Her father answered, "Hi Mr Everdeen, it's Peeta" he hurried out, "Your father called, how is she?" he told Peeta down the phone, "I don't know, they're still looking over her, they wouldn't let me stay with her …" he paused before finally admitting his fears, "We can't lose this baby" his voice cracked and he dropped his head to his hands and let his tears flow. If his mother had been there she would have told him to 'Suck it up' or 'Act like a real man', he was glad in this moment that she wasn't. He heard Mr Everdeen sigh into the phone, "Peeta don't worry, the doctors will do their best, she's a strong girl our Katniss." Peeta nodded, knowing Mr Everdeen couldn't see him. Mr Everdeen continued, "We're just sorting out some things here, we were waiting for your call, but we'll be on the road soon, it'll take a few hours but we'll be there. Call either of us if they tell you anything." They finish the call, and soon Peeta finds he's by himself in the corridor with nothing put hope to cling to.

 

He waits for what seems like an hour before a nurse comes out to see him, "How many weeks is she?" "Almost 24" he replies, she nods at him and turns to go back in, "Please, how is she? They're my everything…" he trails, she gives him a light comforting smile, "I'll be back in five or ten minutes, just sit tight, you've been very patient" she says softly.

 

She comes back as promised, "Mr Mellark," she starts, he takes a deep breath and holds it, waiting for the news, "She's stable right now" he lets the breath go and finds his tense muscles have relaxed just a fraction, "but she's not out of the woods yet" the nurse continues and he nods, "she's been very, physically, unresponsive, and we're still to determine what caused that, but her blood pressure has been worryingly varied, has it been a problem before?" Peeta wracks his brain trying to think back, "No, I don't think so, it's been fine in the pregnancy so far, her mother will be able to tell you though, she should be here soon I think" the nurse notes this down in her chart before continuing, "She was also dehydrated so we've sorted her out on fluids and put up some general antibiotics, there could be an infection, and sometimes with pregnancies they can be a little trickier to detect with all the changes in the body." He takes it all in, "Ok, ok, can I see her now?" The nurse seems to ignore his question, continuing, "There's something else Mr Mellark" her tone and face both change to a somber direction. He can feel his blood drain, his voice barely comes out "The baby", the nurse puts her hand on his arm as a stabiliser and guides him to a seat, "Mr Mellark, we've had a monitor on since she came into our care, I'm so sorry Mr Mellark, we haven't been able to find a heartbeat." At this point he felt like he couldn't find his own heartbeat, the pieces which had been healed together had just crumbled apart again as he hunched his back and hung his head between his knees, he could barely believe this was happening again. The nurse was saying other things but he wasn't really picking anything up, all he heard was that the growth was showing at 22 weeks, so their baby had no chance of anything saving it by just being here at the hospital today.

 

He eventually found his voice, "Does she … I mean … have you told her, about him?" the nurse sadly shook her head, "She hasn't regained consciousness yet, she's on a low amount of sedation, but she could come out of it easily at any time, you can come through and sit with her now." He follows the nurse into the room where his lifeless love lay. She had at least 3 IV's in her arms and hands, there were various monitors attached to her, and an oxygen mask was placed across her nose and mouth. He let himself cry at the sight of her and he sat on the edge of the bed next to her, being careful not to disrupt the equipment.

 

She was still not awake when her parents arrived sometime around midnight. They spoke to the same nurse Peeta had before entering the room, then they each pulled Peeta into embraces before they took seats against the wall and Peeta went back to the bedside. He held her hand without any needles gently in his and slowly rubbed a rhythm into it with his thumbs. He mindlessly did this for about half an hour, his eyes glued to her face, not looking anywhere else, trying not to think of their lost baby who was still within her, and then suddenly he felt a twitch in his palm, his eyes shot down and saw her fingers wobble a little before knocking against his skin again, "Katniss, baby? Katniss?" he whispered to her, leaning closer, still gripping her hand. She began to let out a few groans and coughs before managing to move her arms to her face, indicating she wanted the oxygen mask off, he quickly understood and pulled it up for her and she carefully opened her eyes and blinked several times in the bright lights, "P-Peeta?" she croaked a little and he held over a cup with straw containing water for her to drink. Mr Everdeen got up and went out to get a nurse or doctor, while Mrs Everdeen kept her distance, it would be confusing and upsetting enough without lots of people crowding around her.

 

Katniss drank a little from the cup, and Peeta found his hands shaking more as he set the cup down on the table. he tried to hold himself together, to keep his emotions at bay "I was so worried, I'm so glad you're ok", he leant down and kissed her on the forehead. She smiled weakly back up at him, "What … What happened? We were at dinner and I don't really remember much else" she spoke quietly to him, and he retained his grip on her hand, "You don't remember anything?" he gently probes, she shakes her head in response, a pink colour flooding onto her cheeks a little, "You'd barely sat down at the dinner before you came over and said you were just going to head to bed, you looked exhausted, and uncomfortable" he adds, trying to remember everything, "I came upstairs a couple of hours later and I thought you were asleep sprawled across the bed, but you had a terrible fever and I couldn't wake you, I had to call an ambulance" he can feel a lump form in his throat, "But you're ok now" he finishes, leaning down and pressing his forehead to hers, whispering sweet, kind words to her.

 

The nurse who spoke to Peeta and the Everdeens before comes back in, smiling at Katniss, "Ah" she starts, "it's good to see you awake, how are you feeling?" Katniss just nods in response before turning back to Peeta, "How is he? Can we see or hear him?" her questions are so innocent and Peeta feels his heart crumble into tinier pieces. Her parents have no idea what to say either, the deafening silence in the room is an obvious indicator until the beeping increases frequency on the heart rate machine on Katniss, her eyes well up, "No, no, no … no, Peeta tell me it's not true, Peeta, … no, no, no!" She's pushed herself up and is in hysterics now, failing at trying to rip the needles and monitors from her arms. Peeta tries to hold her tight to his body, but it's not helping any, and she pushes him away. It only makes him ache for her, he wants nothing more than to hold her tight and tell her she's safe and that everything's ok, but he can't. He stands up off the bed dejectedly, and slumps in one of the chairs previously occupied by her parents. Her mother has gone to speak to the doctor, while her father makes an attempt to calm his daughter. He firmly grasped her upper arms and held them tightly to her sides, "Katniss … Katniss, look at me, you need to calm down" he tells her firmly, Peeta had never heard Mr Everdeen talk to Katniss like this before, with authority. Her movements became lesser, and she snapped her head up, eyes blazing, filled with unshed tears, and her face was red. "Daddy" she whimpered, before bursting into a sobbing fit of tears. Peeta couldn't help but cry into his hands from where he sat, he felt like he'd let her down, he hadn't taken care of her properly. He got up and sat on the opposite side of the bed to Mr Everdeen and he rubbed her back while she clung to her father. Soon she'd untangled her arms from him and threw them around Peeta's neck and they sobbed for their second son together.

 

Birthing him was different this time, firstly they had to give her drugs to calm her down, the doctors weren't feeling too confident about her mental state they'd been told, well Mr and Mrs Everdeen. They didn't breach the topic with the young grieving couple. Mrs Everdeen made all of the decisions this time, and she definitely chose the right ones and gave the right opinion when asked. Peeta was thankful they had her there.

 

Once she was sedated down a little, the doctors broke Katniss' waters and induced the labour. The thought of this scared Peeta to the bone, and he wondered how Katniss wasn't still sobbing, but he guessed they'd given her a whole cocktail of drugs to keep her relaxed and as pain-free as possible. Though it wasn't enough he'd thought once her contractions began. Her face contorted with pain and her jaws clamped tightly together, and every so often she would bite her lips until they bled. She refused to make any noise though, even when they told her she was dilated enough to push. And she still made no noise throughout the birth itself, Peeta didn't question her about it, he soothed her and comforted her, giving her soft words of encouragement, but they fell flat to her ears – the encouragement wasn't leading to a healthy living baby, it was leading to more sadness, sadness that she didn't want or need any more of.

 

As soon as their son was born, the doctor placed him on her chest, she wiped her tears with her hands and swallowed the lumps which had formed in her throat before whispering with a slight croak "He's perfect", Peeta sighed and agreed with her. He was. It felt so different to the last time, it was difficult for either of them to describe.

 

They cradled his tiny form for hours, he was almost a foot long and he tucked in perfectly to the nook of her arms. They began to speak to him once they were sure they were alone with him, they shared their joy of wanting him, everything they had done throughout his short life, and how much they had been looking forward to meeting him. And they told him of his brother, the two could look after one another – that thought comforted both Peeta and Katniss, but it didn't remove from their grief.

 

Mrs Everdeen carried out the same role this time around, she gave a small smile as they let her photograph their tiny son, "He's beautiful" she said, sniffing a little as Katniss thanked her, gripping her mother, who she'd relied upon heavily for the past 3 or 4 years, in a warm embrace.

 

The rest of the world was moving on while they were trapped there in the bubble of … sadness, grief, misery. Peeta's brother was getting married while Peeta helped his wife through the labour of their still son – he didn't tell his family until afterwards, his mother would have made a large fuss about the limelight being taken from his brother, and he couldn't face an argument that would just be him stating that at least his brother was alive.

 

A handful of days later they had the burial right by where they'd held the last one. Being there the first time those few years ago had been horrible, they hadn't held it together at all and were overcome by sadness and this second time was just unbearable. The only thought that pulled them through was that their sons would always be in their hearts, forever, and together.


	3. 30 - Part One

They were almost 30, and it had been a tough almost 5 years.

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Katniss withdrew as soon as they were home, her eyes had no sparkle, to Peeta they seemed dead. Katniss herself wouldn't know as she refused to look in a mirror – she took down all the ones in the house that she could, and those she couldn't she covered up. She couldn't bear to look at herself, all she thought about was how much of a failure she was, all she was doing was bringing a life into the world for it to just be lost. She didn't think she could do it again, no matter what Peeta told her.

 

Peeta's main worry was that she would shut everyone, including himself, out and she would deteriorate in her own mind – he never told her this of course, but it was always a niggling feeling hanging around. He could sense her mother felt it too, but neither had said anything to each other about it. He was thankful when she allowed him in shortly after they returned home, but it was just him, she refused anyone else, and she refused to leave their bedroom. She wouldn't allow the curtains to be open, she enjoyed sitting in the dark, either by herself or with Peeta. She just liked being close to Peeta, she was comfortable in their silence whilst he was not. He spoke gently to her, never bringing up their second son, just words of love and encouragement, but it never seemed like she took any of them in.

 

The worst of it for Katniss was her body. She hated herself for it being like this, she couldn't understand how science and nature allowed these things to happen after their child had been taken from them. She still had a small bump, she looked pregnant, and if not pregnant, like a mother who had given birth – the latter was true, but it wasn't to a healthy baby. And her breasts ached. Her mother and the midwives had said this could happen. Her body was lactating, wanting to produce milk for the child it had noted was no longer within it. But there was no use for the milk – well there was, there were leaflets in the kitchen about how any expressed milk could be put to good use, Katniss didn't see eye to eye with those leaflets. It was only a reminder of what they didn't have. She kept the aching to herself for the first day, it wasn't until the second morning when Peeta had held her close and she let out a quick yelp that he made her talk to him. So she asked for her mother for the first time since they'd been home, and she cried when her mother came into the room and asked her what she needed. Katniss managed to tell her about the aches and her mother gently soothed her and offered help. Katniss was grateful and accepted immediately, not really aware of what would need to be done to stop the milk production. Mrs Everdeen knew though, and was prepared to provide this help. She set about preparing the cabbage leaves that would be applied, and the special tea with sage that could be drunk, and she helped to administer this remedy, which although couldn't stop the pain and the thoughts and feelings, could try and provide a relief. It stopped eventually after 8 or 9 days, and it came as a surprise to Katniss that she got emotional over this – looking back she felt like it was her last physical connection to their son, it was unexpected and something she didn't share with Peeta out of guilt. He had never had any physical connection and she didn't want to hurt him, she felt like it would be rubbing it in his face.

 

Peeta got stressed a lot. He knew a lot of what Katniss wasn't telling him, it annoyed him that she underestimated his ability to know her, but he bottled it up. He couldn't take anything out on her at this moment in time. In fact he didn't want to ever have to. Instead he took up going to the gym. He lifted weights, went to a boxing class, he put his energy into something else, and he found it a good release of a locked up anger he had never realised that he had. Who this anger was directed at he was never quite sure, but there was this horrible voice in the back of his mind telling him that it was for Katniss, that the boxing bag he was punching was representative of Katniss because she hadn't been able to provide a safe environment for the development of their children. So he worked harder to remove these thoughts as they just brought up guilt. He never told her where he was going or what he was doing when she asked as he would come and check on her when he got back. He knew Mrs Everdeen knew, but she didn't share with her daughter.

 

Mrs Everdeen could see the toll everything was taking on Peeta. He was tense most of the time and he couldn't relax. And she was glad when he started releasing everything, he seemed to be better, but she still worried that they needed to talk more as a couple. They were both very independent, Katniss and Peeta, they were each content with putting on a face so they looked fine to the other, even when they weren't. She knew Peeta could tell Katniss wasn't alright, but she doubted Katniss was aware of anything at all. So it was Mrs Everdeen who called a counsellor from one of the hospital leaflets to come and speak to Katniss and Peeta both individually and as a couple, to help them express everything which was inside their minds to each other in the right environment. She knew that she herself was not the right person for that, it could easily escalate into yelling and screaming from both parties, which had happened once or twice after the loss of their first born, so they needed a proper mediator between the two of them.

 

Mrs Everdeen chose a good time for him to come, it was about 6 weeks after everything, November 21st. And at this point Katniss was yet to leave their darkened bedroom and bathroom and to see anyone other than Peeta or either of her parents. Her friends stopped by a few times a week on the off chance that she had changed her mind and wanted to see someone, but she never did. Delly usually stayed the longest, she left her children with her husband and made herself useful around their house, cleaning, cooking, sorting mail – she happily did anything, she told Mr and Mrs Everdeen that she didn't expect Katniss to see anyone soon but she wanted to help and wouldn't take no for an answer. Johanna came sometimes with Delly, as did Annie and Madge. Gale came only when no one else was in, just Katniss. The first time he came by he tried to walk on in to the bedroom, but Katniss had quickly barricaded the door and burst into a fit of rage. He sat in the hallway for several hours until Peeta appeared. After that he stayed downstairs, but within hearing range of the bedroom. He sometimes heard her moving around, or going into the bathroom, but never much really. He didn't like seeing the decline of his friend, his longest friend. He wasn't in love with her anymore, but he still loved her and it hurt him to see her in this situation again, so he didn't come by often.

 

So at this 6 week point Mrs Everdeen let the counsellor into the house. She'd already spoken to Peeta and explained that she wanted to get them some help, to work things out – she told him that she could see the tension between them, he let out a sigh of relief, he felt like this was what he needed, what they both needed.

 

Peeta sat with the man for over an hour, he just let everything out. His worries, his frustrations, his sadness, guilt, terrors, nightmares, everything, and for the first time in a few weeks he felt fully relaxed, at ease. Peeta warned the man, who seemed quite good, that Katniss might not be welcoming to him, but he just nodded his head – Peeta assumed he'd spoken to many like her before and knew just how to act and handle the situation. So the counsellor went upstairs, and after 5 minutes, Mrs Everdeen appeared to sit with Peeta, "I told Katniss someone was coming to talk to you both, I think she was relieved too Peeta" she told him softly, patting his knee and giving a comforting, encouraging smile. He did concern how Katniss would get along with this man, sure he seemed nice enough, but Katniss didn't take well to new people – but he really needn't have worried.

 

She saw him for almost 2 hours, the first 30 minutes or so were quite like pulling teeth, she gave short snappy answers until it was clear he wasn't going anywhere. And eventually she gave up the front and let all her emotions and worries flow from her along with tears.

 

Peeta was surprised that the counsellor looked relatively content when he came downstairs to ask Peeta to join them, he was even more shocked when he saw Katniss wasn't in bed, but was in one of the armchairs in the corner of their room. She had put on her dressing gown and had a few blankets wrapped around her, the curtain at one of the windows was even open a fraction. He sat on the second chair next to Katniss after placing a kiss on her cheek. The counsellor spoke about them generally, and basically concluded that they both had many similar feelings of guilt and fear. He got them to speak to each other, Peeta was grateful for this, whereas Katniss found it difficult voicing herself to her love. "I don't want to upset you or say something … I don't know, bad, annoying? Mean? … I'm not good with words…" she stumbled a little, "Say anything you want," Peeta soothed, "I just want you to feel better, get better, get us better" he said, he didn't like thinking that there was something wrong with them as a couple, because there really wasn't, they were just struggling in dealing with the situation together. Eventually he coaxed some thoughts out of her, and the counsellor said it was a good start. He suggested a few sessions with a specialist and could get them set up with appointments if they wanted, Peeta said they'd see – he was happy to do it for their benefit, but he could see a hesitation in Katniss. After the counsellor left, he knelt in front of her and asked what she wanted, "I don't want to go to see someone, there's nothing wrong with our relationship, I will tell you everything, I promise, but I'm not sure I'm ready quite just yet" she spoke slowly, quietly and truthfully, and for the first time in a long while he felt she was finally truly opening up, "Ok, we will do whatever you want, no specialist? No specialist." He pulled her into a warm hug and placed affectionate kisses on her forehead and cheeks. "Can you-" she started, pausing a little, "could you maybe …" she felt her tongue numb on her words, "Anything for you my love" he told her, she tried to continue "I-I-I … help me take a bath?" she mumbled on her words. Peeta smiled sweetly at her, "Of course" this was the first time she had made a notion to want to bathe herself – both him and her mother had helped keep her clean, but it was usually in the confinement of the bed. She'd taken a shower maybe three times since they'd left the hospital 6 weeks ago, and each time ended in tears and flying emotions – she hadn't been able to stand the sight of her own body. He ran her a warm bath, adding scented salts before helping her peel off her layers of blankets and lounge clothes, and holding her hand as a stabiliser while she stepped into the bath. He couldn't help but notice her form; there was almost no sign of having held a baby apart from a few tiny stretch marks on her lower abdomen. She had shrunk back to her pre-baby shape and further, he didn't want to, nor did he, comment on how ill her body looked. She was gaunt and in the brighter bathroom light her skin was sickly white, her could easily see her bones protruding through her skin, they looked like they could snap if she fell. She let out a whoosh of air as she managed to lower herself into the water. She found it odd to get accustomed to having not taken a bath in so long, and she felt ashamed that she hadn't been taking care of her own hygiene. Slowly he helped her wash her hair, and after rinsing it, helped her out of the bath and into fresh lounge clothes. She pulled him into a tight embrace quickly after he had finished helping her, "Thank you, for everything" she whispered to him, "There's no need to thank me" he replied to her.

 

It was past dinner time by this point, her mother had just left to go back to her own home, and it seemed to dawn on her all at once what a sacrifice her mother had been making to take care of her. She could tell the feeling of guilt was written all over her face when Peeta simply handed her the phone, she called her childhood home and finally, properly, opened to her mother and thanked her profusely. She took her first steps downstairs and sat at the dining table while Peeta tried to coax some dinner into her, but all she managed was several small spoons of soup. He tried not to give a disapproving look, and she tried not to notice it. But that night they both went bed in a comforting and relaxed place.

 

Things got better for them. They didn't celebrate Thanksgiving which happened shortly after the counsellor. She had barely noticed the festive period had begun, somehow it seemed to sneak up on her 4 weeks later, just a few days before Christmas. She still hadn't left the house, nor looked at herself in a mirror, nor spoken to any of their friends. But she did move around their house more, she tried to take regular showers and baths, and she did try to eat – even though to Peeta he thought it wasn't much, she barely ate the equivalent of a meal over a whole day. "I haven't done anything, for the holidays" she sprung on him on the 22nd of December, he chuckled, "That's ok, I've got it all sorted – we just won't have a tree this year though!" she felt her facial muscles twitch and send a few pain signals to her brain, and for the first time since it happened she had found herself smiling. "I did put up the lights last night though, they're just not on a tree" he said grinning back at her, overjoyed to see her so happy. She went to the living room and switched the Christmas lights on and the main ones off – it looked so beautiful, the lights were draped everywhere around the room, over the fireplace, the picture frames, around the sofa and armchairs, and around the side tables, "It looks great" she told him with a kiss when she went back to the kitchen where he was baking. "Cards?" she questioned next, trying to remember all the usual Christmas things she was meant to do, "Your mom sorted that, she wrote our names on theirs and sent them to everyone on our list as well" he told her, she was amazed at how organised everything had been done, and this had all gone on when she was there, she just simply hadn't noticed. "Thank you" she gave him with another tender kiss, he simply smiled, having learnt to stop brushing off her regular thanks. "Presents?" she tentatively questioned him lastly, he picked up a piece of the dough he was working on and popped it in her mouth, "You're looking at and eating them!" he joked, "These are cookies which I thought we could decorate later, and I've already done the mini mince pies and the Christmas muffins. I just have to get some nice packaging tomorrow and they'll be all set." He said, not saying anything about how their friends were going to get these Christmas goodies, he thought he could drop them by at Annie and Finnick's annual Christmas Eve party, but he didn't plan on staying, he would come right back home after wishing them all the best . "Ok, I can help" she said, nodding before her face slowly went back to its usual blank slate, she sauntered off into the lounge and sat in the dark with the Christmas lights on while Peeta went back to the cookie dough.

 

The next evening they packaged up the different baked items together and Katniss carefully wrote and attached the labels onto them. Neither said anything about giving them. However on the morning of Christmas Eve, Katniss got up quite early and took a shower, washing and conditioning her hair, shaving her legs and spending a long time applying body lotion and moisturiser. Peeta didn't really question it, he assumed she was preparing for the next day when she'd promised her parents that they would go to their house for Christmas lunch – it would be the first time she'd been outside. Peeta took a long lie in bed, watching Katniss float around the place doing different things – but he was alert when it was almost lunchtime and she opened the wardrobe and got out a dress and hung it on the back of the door. Then she knelt down and fished some low black heels from the back of the bottom shelf, chucking them underneath the dress. The final shock was when she went over to the chest of drawers, opened the top one, and took out some makeup and placed it next to the sink in the bathroom. Peeta wasn't quite sure if his original presumption had been correct, and for a moment he allowed himself to think that she was going to go out that very same day, but he brushed that thought off quickly, and got himself ready for the day. He baked bread for the Christmas lunch for most of the afternoon, and stopped around 4 so he could change for the party – he may not be staying, but he wanted to look good.

 

He stopped as he went into their room, Katniss was standing in front of their full length mirror in only her underwear (which to Peeta was noticeably too large for her) with the sheet that had previously hidden the reflective surface in her hand. She looked frozen, in shock, he approached slowly and placed a hand on her shoulder, "Darling" he said gently and quietly, she flinched her head around, having not heard him come into the room. "I … wanted to come with you … to Annie and Finnick's" she started, turning her head back towards her reflection, "but I thought I should see how I looked first", he didn't hesitate before answering, "You look beautiful, my love, you're perfect", she took in his words but didn't believe them, "Thank you, but … I'm not … I've neglected myself, but I couldn't help it-" she paused and he could see tears glistening in her eyes, "I hate my body so much." With this he pulled her into him, he expected a fit of sobs and tears, but it didn't surface, only a few drops fell to his shoulder, it surprised him when she lifted her head, "I think I just needed to say that out loud" she told him, her body relaxing in his arms, "I'm so proud of you" he told her, kissing her.

 

It took a little while, but she managed to ready herself. It also took several layers of makeup on her face to make her look less pale, but Peeta promised her people wouldn't care, and he was right, they really wouldn't. She was disappointed when she put on her dress, which she usually wore at Christmas, and found it far too big for her, it gaped at the chest and easily swirled around at her waist before hanging loosely off her hips, "You could pick something else?" Peeta suggested for her, opening up their wardrobe again and holding up a few options which she quickly shook her head at, she pulled off the dress and hung it back up again. She stood in front of her clothes, she didn't have a wide array of party-type clothing, most were things that her friends had either given her or made her buy. She finally picked a slim black skirt which had always been a little tight, it came a bit too far up her thighs, but she solved that with a thick pair of black tights. She rummaged through the drawers and held up a few tops before coming to a fancy sweater that some relative had given her years ago and that her mother had made her keep because it looked (and was) so expensive – it was made of angora and was a pale grey colour, it also had a few sequins and pearls sewn into it, it almost looked kind of Christmas-y. So she put it on over a plain camisole and looked in the mirror, for a second she almost thought it didn't look too bad, but before she could think for longer she stepped away, not wanting to look at her form any more, "You look stunning" Peeta told her, coming out of the bathroom, "You really don't have to do this, only come if you really truly want to" he told her, she took a deep breath "I do want to, I haven't seen anyone in such a long time, I need to apologise" Peeta tried to contradict her last statement, but she stopped him with a deep kiss, pushing her tongue into his mouth, "I need to" she said when she moved away from him.

 

Peeta gathered up all the packages while Katniss went to the front door to open it. She stood with it wide open, letting the cold December air blow through the house, it was a big step going out for the first time, and although she'd been thinking about it for a couple of weeks the actual action of doing it seemed to be difficult. She crossed her arms and closed her eyes for just a moment to try and get a relaxed breathing pattern, but she jumped when Peeta touched her shoulder, "Here" he said, passing her her coat and scarf. She took them and put them on, and before letting a thought form, she stepped onto the porch and let out a deep breath. "We're at your pace" he told her softly, putting the presents down on the porch while he locked the door, she nodded and picked up one of the bags of gifts and went to the car.

 

They sat in the car for 15 or 20 minutes when they arrived at Annie and Finnick's, Peeta rubbed her hands which sat tightly in her lap and she just tried to focus on her breathing. They stayed silent until she spoke up, "Ok" was all she said, and they proceeded to get out of the car and gather the gifts. They were still a little early, but Peeta had planned this in, if they arrived when everyone else was already there, she would be overwhelmed, this way she could be eased into people a little more.

 

They rang the bell and waited, Katniss stood a little behind Peeta, gripping his hand. "Just a second" they heard shouted from somewhere inside, and moments later Annie flung open the door, "Hey Peeta! … Katniss!" she said in surprise smiling and she quickly pushed past Peeta to pull Katniss into a hug, "Hey" she said softly to Katniss, "I'm so glad to see you" Katniss smiled, "Me too" she replied, and they went on in to the house. Peeta went to greet Finnick, and Katniss found herself not quite knowing what to do, so she just stood close to the now closed front door, "Katniss, hi!" Finnick said with a surprised tone, kissing her on the cheek and giving her a quick hug, "Good to see you up and about" he told her, to which she just nodded.

 

It wasn't long before everyone else had arrived and there were numerous greetings to be made. It was easy to see that everyone was surprised Katniss had shown up, they hadn't even expected Peeta to come, but he melded back into the group easily, happily chatting away. Katniss just felt a bit awkward, not quite knowing where to start conversations at as she was so out of the loop with what was happening, and she felt like people felt the same towards her, not knowing what they should talk about – but they were her friends, she shouldn't have felt weird at all, and she felt bad making them feel like they couldn't talk about anything with her.

 

It got a little easier once they all sat down to dinner where she found herself sat next to Johanna's newest beau, whose name she never actually found out – he didn't know anything about her at all, he had no judgements whatsoever, so she found him much easier to converse with. He seemed like an alright guy, but he definitely wasn't a great match for Johanna's personality, he made up for it in the looks department though, so she was certain that's what Johanna was going for in her choice.

 

Peeta was constantly worried about her throughout the party, she looked nervous all the time, and he understood it, but at the same time he couldn't help but want to wrap her up and take her back home where she was in a safe comforting environment. He was just thankful so far that she had stayed with the group in the living room and hadn't run off somewhere private, and also that no one seemed to comment on just quite how ill she looked, he guessed that everyone was too nervous to do so, but he decided he might talk to Annie about it, she was always the more sensible one of the group so would maybe have a suggestion or something.

 

"You ok?" he said to her after watching her yawn for twenty minutes, she nodded and rested her head on his shoulder, "Just tired, this was quite a lot" she replied, he kissed her forehead before telling her they could go if she wanted. So they bade their friends goodbye at around 9pm – it certainly wasn't late, but it had drained Katniss of energy after having not left the house for the past 10 or so weeks. "I had a nice time though" she told him as they drove back home, Peeta grinned at her, "I'm glad, me too" he said, and finally things seemed to be getting a little back to normal.

 

Peeta spoke to Annie the next week, midway between Christmas and New Year. Katniss had gone over to her parents' as Prim was there and she wanted to spend time with her before she headed back to school, so Peeta headed over to Annie and Finnick's home. "Hey guys," he said as he went in, "Just thought I'd pop over", they clearly knew why he was here though, there was no point skirting around it, "Come on" Annie told him, giving him a mug of tea and leading him into the living room where a fire was blazing in the hearth. "You want to talk about Katniss." Annie stated firmly and clearly, he nodded in response, "I didn't really notice until we were about to come over on Christmas Eve just how ill she looks, I don't know what to do about it, should I say something? Maybe to her mother? Or should I just leave it? She knows she's lost weight, none of her clothes stay on her, but I just can't bring myself to say something, she's gotten so good over the past week." Annie nodded at him with a sympathetic smile, he continued "We've seen this counsellor guy, and we're better at talking about it now, but … I don't know" he seemed to be a little despairing to Annie, who gently rubbed his shoulder, "I noticed at dinner that she didn't really eat, she just didn't seem hungry" Annie said, Peeta nodded, "It's like that all the time, it'd be lucky if she gets even just one meal in a day, her body can't be healing properly, I'm just so worried Annie" he says with a hint of sorrow in his voice, she pulls him into a hug, "It'll be ok, maybe not now, or soon, but sometime it will be." She said to him, "I'll tell you what I'd do, tell her you're worried, see if she'll try and eat more – honesty is the best policy, surely this guy has gotten you to do that, maybe see if her mother knows something that could be done. I think you're just at the start of this recovery phase, I know it's been a while, but we all know heartbreak takes time to fix. But I'm not going to do any of that for you – she'll come to us if she wants to. Maybe it was too much last time, we all piled in to see her and try to help, but you know we're all always here for you, for you both." Peeta just nodded, her words seemed so wise to him, it helped him see straighter when someone else laid it out for him, "I wish she would have let you and the other girls in to see her sooner though, until Christmas Eve she hadn't stepped out of the door or seen anyone other than me, her parents or the counsellor. I think everything's happening quickly now, I don't want her to get overwhelmed." Annie took it all in before saying anything, "I'll give you a compromise, you talk to her soon and see what she says or does, give her a few days and we'll see if she's come to any of us by Johanna's New Years party, if not we'll sort something out for her and take her off your hands for a bit. You need time too Peeta." Peeta understood what Annie was saying, he often found it hard to take a break between working and taking care of Katniss, between them they were a 24 hour job – and he hated thinking of caring for Katniss as a 'job', but sometimes he had to, he put so much energy into trying to get her to do simple things such as eat or shower that he hadn't been able to think of himself, not that he wanted to – he wasn't a selfish person. "Finnick about?" he asked, Annie smiled, "On that stupid toy I let him buy" Peeta laughed and went to find Finnick playing around on the fancy new computer that Annie had eventually let him buy, "Hey bud," Finnick greeted him as he sat in the second seat at the desk, "Girl talk with Annie?" Finnick asked, half joking but not entirely, Peeta sighed "Just Katniss stuff, but we're getting there, slowly. We'll get there." He paused before saying anything else, "Answer me honestly, man" he said, and let Finnick nod and take his attention away from the computer, "What did you think about Katniss? Just tell me how you see it" Finnick held his expression seriously, "Other than the fact that she looks about twelve now?" Peeta dropped his head, "I know" he said ashamedly, he could have been trying harder to feed her, "that's going to get worked on, trust me, so other than that." He let Finnick go on, "I'm amazed she came, last you said was that she was barely aware of anything, it was a surprise to see her, but I can tell something's going right, she wouldn't have come if she hadn't wanted to. But she looked awkward and uncomfortable the whole time, it's hard right now Peet, but she'll work her way back into the group eventually, her spot is always open. I think people just didn't know what to say, once she opens up more it'll be easier." Peeta nodded, "I agree, totally."

 

On New Year's Eve they head to Johanna's party – Katniss was happy to go, she wanted to, she also wanted to try and start the New Year at least on reasonable footing, no, she wouldn't be reasonably happy, but she could at least try to be happier than she was. Peeta had taken her shopping the day before, he had told her he wanted to treat her, but she knew he was doing it so she could stop looking at herself with her clothes hanging off, it also made him uncomfortable to see her looking so miniscule in the large clothes. So she was wearing a new dress, it was long sleeved and navy with an almost glittered look to it, and it came to her mid-thigh, she'd rather it was a bit longer but she hadn't wanted to upset Peeta so when she found that it had fit, they got it anyway. She didn't bother looking at the size; she knew she'd be aghast.

 

The party was in full swing when they arrived quite close to midnight, they didn't plan on staying long, and Katniss knew Peeta was doing it for her as she'd found herself becoming more and more drained of energy after doing any activity. Their whole group of friends were there along with a lot of other people Johanna seemed to know, neither Katniss or Peeta had any clue who they were, but as long as they didn't bother them, they didn't really mind. They stood out on Johanna's balcony and overlooked the town as they could hear the chimes counting down to midnight, and when the fireworks in the distance began exploding, they easily came together for a kiss, "Happy New Year" she whispered breathlessly to him, "I love you, so so much Peeta" she added, and he pulled her back to him, deepening their earlier kiss.

\---

It was a few days later when Peeta decided he needed to talk to Katniss, it made him nervous even just thinking of the subject so he was almost shaking with adrenaline as he tried to come up with a good start to the conversation. Katniss came downstairs and into the living room where he sat, "I'm worried" Peeta told her, "about you." She froze where she stood, fear coming over her like a curtain, "Come, sit" Peeta said gently, patting the seat next to him. She still didn't move, so he got up and led her to the couch, then repeated, "I'm worried about you Katniss", she dropped her eyes, "Don't be, Peeta, I'm fine" her tone was unconvincing, he shook his head "Your physical health, Katniss" he said, "You're too thin, it feels like I could snap your arm …" he paused, "You need to eat more, build up your immune system, get some energy back" she was yet to say anything, but she was taking it all in, these were things she'd been trying to tell herself for weeks, but it was different hearing it out loud and coming from someone else. No one had said anything to her at the Christmas Eve party, nor when they went to her parents' for Christmas Day (she doubted they would say anything really), and not when they were at the New Year's Eve party either – but she knew what they all were thinking, at least she thought she did, and she didn't think she wanted to hear it. She swallowed thickly, her mouth dry, she wanted more than anything to just agree with Peeta, but there was something in her mind telling her she was getting what she deserved. There was sometimes a part of her that knew this wasn't right, that this voice was coming from something else, but every time she almost opened her mouth to tell Peeta about it, she stopped. She gripped his hands tightly, still not saying anything, but he knew it would take time. There were no sounds being made for a long time before Peeta spoke up, "Your doctor's office rings every few days to see if you can go in for your follow up, you should have been weeks ago, maybe you could go soon?" he very much regrets having to prompt this to her, and she knows he feels badly doing it, but he must. "I'm frightened" she says, he rubs her hands, "Of what? The doctor?" he asks, "I don't know, I'm just frightened. I believe you … but it's scary" she tells him, he can feel his heart beat faster, he hasn't much of an idea of what she is saying means, but he knows there will be help for her. "I'm here with you, for you" he tells her, pulling her frail body into his, "I know, thank you" is all she can whisper.

 

The next day she sits by the phone, holding it in her hand for almost two hours – she typed in Annie's number after the first few minutes, but pressing the 'Call' button seemed to be tricky. Eventually she felt her hand begin to cramp up, her joints stiffened, and she made a quick decision and pressed the button, holding the phone to her ear before she could regret it. "Hello?" Annie's chirpy voice came through the phone, "Hi, it's Katniss" she said, her heart speeding up, wondering where the conversation would go, she couldn't quite remember why she decided she wanted to make this call. "Hey, Katniss! How are you doing? Enjoying the New Year so far?" Annie asked, Annie was trying very hard Katniss could tell, and Annie obviously knew she was the first one to hear from Katniss. Katniss knew that all her friends conversed about her regularly, she didn't actually mind that much, and she knew they were looking out for her, but it was difficult sometimes. She wasn't actually feeling that fine, but she lied, telling Annie that she was anyway, "It's been a quiet year so far" she said, "just staying at home with Peeta, but it's been nice." She pauses and breathes, "I'm just hoping this year will be better", she can almost hear Annie's face fall, showing her sympathy for her friend, "Don't worry, it will be, just wait and see!" Katniss let herself smile at the optimism. They chatted for almost an hour, and Katniss found she had started to feel a little better by the end of the conversation, and she promised Annie they'd meet to go for coffee the next week – this was a good start she managed to tell herself. It took a lot of effort, but she was putting it into it, she wanted to feel better. Later that evening she called Delly, who was more than excited to hear from her, Katniss was glad she had waited to call Delly after Annie, she wasn't sure she'd be able to take that nature first, whereas Annie was a little calmer and gentler. Her call with Delly went well, and she managed to agree to going to a Yoga taster class for which Delly had some free vouchers, and she was to expect Delly to call the following day with times they could pick from.

 

So she didn't hesitate to answer the phone when it rang the next morning, the first day Peeta was back to work. "Hello?" she said, and was surprised not to hear Delly on the other end, "Hi, Mrs Mellark?" she felt herself begin to sweat and she was drowned in fear, "Yes?" she said quietly, "It's the doctor's office, I'm glad we've managed to reach you", 'Oh great' Katniss thought, her hand began to shake a little, "Would you be able to come in sometime? Just for a little check-up?" How could she say no over the phone? She'd need to give a plausible excuse, and with her panic levels rising, she didn't feel like that was possible, "Um …" she started, "I, er, yeah, I could", "Great" the woman on the phone practically exclaimed, Katniss found herself in disagreement with her. "There's a spot open today actually if you're available, at 2pm?" In the heat of the moment Katniss found a 'Yes' slipping from her mouth. After the woman hung up, Katniss stood still, clutching the phone, quite unsure how to react. Peeta wasn't here, she couldn't just call him at work, and he would be busy, as would her parents. The thought of going alone was far less than appealing, but the feeling of imminent tears brought her back to reality. She was going to have to go out, almost for the first time, but this time it was alone. She encouraged herself to take a shower and get cleaned up, then put on fresh clothes, followed by a piece of toast for breakfast. It felt difficult to eat, she just wasn't hungry.

 

She walked to the doctor's office that afternoon; she took slow steps, not wanting to find out that she didn't have enough energy to make the twenty minute walk. She sat nervously in the waiting room, shaking her leg up and down, not focussing on any of the other women there, some were pregnant and she could barely acknowledge them or what they had that she didn't. She felt a little relief when her name was called and the nurse took her through for a preliminary exam, checking her height, weight, blood pressure, temperature – the kind of basic things she assumed. Then she was lead into a proper office/exam room type thing to wait for her doctor. She came in and greeted Katniss before taking a look over the measurements the nurse had noted down. The doctor had a slightly perplexed look on her face before she pulled up a file on her computer, checking the records on Katniss. "Can I just check your weight again?" she said tentatively, Katniss expected this somehow, so nodded and went over to the scales where the doctor double checked what the nurse had written. They sat down again, and Katniss bit her lip in anticipation of what she would be told, "I wouldn't usually start with this, Katniss, but you're underweight, too underweight" she added emphasis, "With what you've been through, it's not good" Katniss finds herself nodding along, she does know this, but it's so difficult making sure that you really do know it. The doctor asks her questions and she responds truthfully, though not without some shaking and the threat of tears. They finally fall when the doctor asks if she's menstruated yet, and they don't just fall minimally, she finds herself just letting everything out. Surprisingly the doctor comforts her like she would a friend, and Katniss lets herself relax. She finally dries her eyes a few minutes later, and the doctor asks if it's ok to continue, Katniss nods, she might as well get it over with while she's here.

 

When she leaves she finds herself feeling uneasy, unsteady, uncertain of what's happening. The doctor told her she had to gain weight for her health, but also if she wanted to have another child at some point. Katniss brushed this off quickly without telling the doctor, there was no chance of that happening, she'd already decided that – though she hadn't told Peeta, she didn't know if she could break his heart like that right now. The doctor also told her that she was showing signs of a questionable mental state – this rumpled Katniss' feathers, she knew she wasn't right yet, but she was getting there, the doctor hadn't seen the progress that had been made recently, Katniss knew herself that she had to do everything on her own pace to keep herself balanced.

 

That January flew by quickly, Katniss found herself keeping up with all of her friends, making sure to see them regularly as well as calling them. She liked it, she liked keeping busy, not having time to think. She still wasn't eating well, though she tried, she put in effort to sit down to three meals a day, but they never ended particularly well. Peeta seemed happier and more relaxed with her sudden change, this is what he showed, but he felt there was always that doubt that she was moving just that little too quickly, his original fears of her own deterioration in her mind crept in every so often, but he tried to push them back. When she was over at her parents' house, he would call her friends to check up, he hated doing this behind her back, but he'd rather find out that there was something wrong with her when she's there than to let her bottle it all up and put on this front – but there never were any issues, Annie was trying to work on the whole food thing with her, while she went to gentle stretch classes with Delly and shopped and had coffee with Madge. He knew that Johanna had been wanting to take her into the woods, but it was Johanna herself who'd had to put her foot down on those plans, at least until Katniss had some strength back, so he thanked Johanna for being an authoritative force.

 

Things changed a little once February arrived – a few days in Katniss found herself a little more tired and needing more sleep, shortly after she started saying how her lower back was sore, she put this down to doing some stretches wrongly, but even when she sat out of a few classes, the pain was still there. As the due date for their second son approached she only got worse, complaining of a whole variety of aches and pains, then on the 11th of February she began being sick throughout the day. It didn't stop, and heightened on the 13th when she didn't even bother to move from the bathroom floor next to the toilet. Peeta lifted her to bed that night once she'd managed to fall asleep and he laid her on her side towards the edge of the bed and placed a basin on the floor next to her. He had taken the next day off of work as a precaution, mainly for her, but he worried that he might crack under what the day should have been.

 

When he woke the next morning he rolled over and saw her lying on her back, eyes open just a fraction, lips parted allowing air entry and exit. She had pushed the covers over to his side of the bed so was lying in the clothes she had been in yesterday. He raised a hand to stroke her cheek, she felt cold to touch, "Hey" he said softly to her, "I love you" he told her, he needed to give her these words of encouragement and his love and trust, he needed to give her reassurance. She didn't move even a muscle, not even when he placed a chaste kiss on her forehead. He didn't release the sigh that he wanted to, he just pulled the bedding back up and covered her, trying to tuck her into his body without disturbing her silence and stillness too much. But it was like she had barely noticed a thing. They lay together in bed until the late morning when Peeta got up to make breakfast, he regretted having to leave her there, but he knew that he had to try his best to get on with the day.

 

She was in the exact same position when he returned to her with a cup of tea and slice of toast, he asked if she wanted any but she didn't respond. So he lay back down with her, knowing his presence would give her at least a little comfort. Sometime later her lips closed and opened again, and she slowly blinked her eyes once, "I can't move Peeta" she croaked through her dry throat. "That's ok darling" he said to her, feeling tears well in his eyes at the sorrow she was feeling inside, "No. I can't move, I can't feel anything..." He didn't quite know how to take this or what to tell her, so he wrapped his arms around her trying to give her something to hold on to. "You'll be ok, we'll be ok" he said, "today will be hard, but it will get better," he paused a second before continuing, "We should talk it through, or talk about it, just like the counsellor told us – I know you didn't want to see him again, but talking keeps you open" he stumbled a little, unusually, on his words, "it keeps me from losing you." She didn't respond to him, she'd closed her eyes and her lips met gently together closing her mouth, she lay still, making no notion to move or give him anything. She didn't want to keep this suffering.

 

She lay rigid in her position for the full day, not moving for anything. No-one called them, she suspected Peeta had either asked them not to or he'd unplugged the phone, and he spent the full day with her. She could feel his tension radiating from his pores as he held her close.

 

It was the middle of the night when she felt it, the sudden urge, a sudden sense of feeling. She steadily moved his arm from her shoulder and her joints began to loosen up a little. She stepped out of bed and tucked the covers back around Peeta, kissing her fingers and pressing them against his cheek before blinking a few tears away. She pulled on a thick pair of socks and crept downstairs, sitting on the floor to pull on her boots and then grabbing her coat from the hall cupboard. She didn't lift anything, no phone, keys or money, she just zipped up her jacket and stepped out the front door, closing it silently behind her. And then she walked.

 

It was a cold night, then again it was February, what had she expected? There was a little frost on the ground and a cloud of white formed every time she breathed through her mouth, so she tried not to do that often. She pulled her hood up to keep her warm, but it didn't do much good, she was just in her pyjamas beneath it. To anyone who saw her they must have thought she was crazy, walking around outside, barely dressed, bleary eyed, but she didn't care. Not that anyone would see her, it was the early hours of the morning. She didn't know where she was going, but this unexpected urge just made her keep walking, and she didn't want to stop, no matter how tired or sick she felt. Or hungry – that thought snuck in there a few times as well, she hadn't actually felt hunger in a long time, she wasn't entirely certain she could recall the feeling, but she knew it now, and it struck a pain across her chest. But she pushed through and kept placing one foot in front of the other along the streets. She held her head towards the ground mostly, only lifting it if she heard anything out of the ordinary, which wasn't often. The cold air made her throat tickle and she held off coughing for as long as she could, but soon she had to let it go, but it was tough to stop. Her mouth was so dry and every cough made it feel worse, made her feel like she wanted to gag. She shook at the thought, she didn't want to be sick, it would only make her weaker and prevent her from getting there.

 

Getting where? She questioned herself, stopping to put some thoughts together, but she couldn't, she was finding she could barely function. Her hands felt frozen and looked pale in the light of a nearby streetlamp, her feet were sore and she couldn't feel her toes, her legs were stiff and a little shaky. She looked around at where she was, she wasn't entirely sure, but from the looks of it she was on the opposite side of the town from their house, maybe 5 miles. Distance. The distance felt good, safe. She brought her hands to her mouth, something clicking in her brain, what had she done? Her stomach contracted as her mind whirred, it felt so right doing it at the time, but now it felt so wrong. She felt the bile rise and she couldn't hold it back as she spluttered over the street. Her whole body felt like it was shaking now, and she wobbled to the edge of the road and sat on the curb ignoring the slight frost that was there, her eyes widened as too many thoughts ran through her head, what was she doing here? What was she doing at all? Why had she done this? There was too much happening there, anywhere, she had to get away. It took a few attempts to stand, and once she was up she moved quickly ignoring the protests from her muscles. She kept on walking, to keep getting away. She stayed on the same road for what could have easily been an hour – no one passed her in cars, which she thought was rather lucky, they would stop and ask her questions, which she wouldn't be able to answer. Suddenly she knew where this road led, she could feel the faint smell seep into her senses, and once she rounded a corner she could see the branches that gave her some sense of comfort. She stopped in her tracks. Her body still shaking, she glanced around but saw no-one, though she noticed the sky seemed much lighter, it made her mind twist and her stomach furl as it reminded her that Peeta would wake soon in a fit of terror. Something dropped onto her cheek and she quickly snapped her head to look upwards and pulled her hand to rub her face – there was nothing above her, then she realised she was silently crying. She ignored this, her body's protest against her mind, and stormed into the woods, which were densely packed with trees, a good hiding spot, a good place to find just what you were looking for. Which was what?

 

She walked into the woods, and a while later she could judge by the birds that she could hear that it must be nearing sunrise. She had to be gone by then. She didn't know what these confusing thoughts meant, they were just there, in her mind. So she kept walking, she wasn't sure she could feel her legs of feet, nor hands or arms, but her mind pushed her forward, and she came to the lake. It was about a two mile walk into the woods, and she sighed at the sight of it, with a thin layer of ice on top of the water, and collapsed down onto the frozen earth against a tree. She felt her head droop down to the side, and her eyes slip closed without her consent. But she didn't fight against it.

 

There was a rustling. Her eyes sprung open, her ears were alert, she suddenly remembered where she was and she twisted her head around to see what made the noise. But she couldn't see anything, she remained alert. Her body was curled tightly into a ball, and it took many minutes to try and uncurl to be able to stand. Her limbs were weak and trembling, her whole body screamed and cursed at her mind for making her do this, she would have cried if she'd been able, but she found the tears just wouldn't fall.

 

She began to panic as she walked through the woods once again. She had no idea where she was going or what she was trying to do, or achieve even. She trailed her body through the woods, not even paying attention to the direction she was going in, when she caught her foot in something and fell onto her knees. She landed on rocks and saw blood quickly soak through her thin pyjama bottoms, she huffed out in anger, but refrained from yelling. She looked back to see what had made her fall, and the sight almost made her eyes burst from her head. It was a trap, a snare to be more precise, a delicate wire tied up to catch a small animal – she took a closer look and almost laughed, it could only be Gale's. It had to be, his skill was easy to see in the small contraption. This set off many things in her mind, she knew Gale's route like the back of her hand, and he's never changed it, not since he'd chosen it when they were young teenagers. He now lived in a wooden lodge just off the edge of the woods, and she knew he had put it there in prime position of his snare line – he would be somewhere nearby. She couldn't decide if this was a blessing or a curse, she just wanted to be away from everyone, but guilt was flooding her mind at a quicker pace now, so a part of her just wanted to give up whatever it was she was doing and go and find someone.

 

She walked the snare line, and could see the woods wear away just ahead of her, Gale would be there. She tried to swallow, but there was nothing to lubricate her throat and she only coughed more, she quickly brought her hands to her mouth, not to prevent the spread of germs, but to try and warm her hands with the air she was breathing out. The coughing didn't subside and she gave up trying to keep her frozen hands warm, but it shocked her when she looked to her palms and saw them crimson, covered with blood. Her insides curdled and the hysteria rose within her, she had to get to Gale. He was safe, he could fix this. Maybe he could fix her. She shook all over and must have looked a sight, she was wearing a coat and boots over pyjamas, her skin was no doubt pale and covered in muck and dirt, her legs were bloody from her fall and now her hands were drenched in what she had coughed up. She tried to move quickly out of the trees but she found herself moving at a slow pace, her body was trying not to harm itself any more.

 

Eventually she made it out and onto the dirt track that she knew well, Gale's home was definitely here. She dragged herself along it, her arms wrapped around her stomach, trying to keep herself warm and to stop the shaking and hid the blood on her hands, but it would be no use, anyone would be able to see what a mess she was in. How crazy and manic she was.

 

The lodge came into sight and her heart felt like it was beating again when she saw his big car parked outside. She tripped a little on the few steps leading to the door, and found herself falling against it when she tried to knock. She lay on the ground against the door, and then heard footsteps coming down the stairs inside, the door was flung open and she fell in against him. Gale looked down, terror and shock filled his system at what he saw, and his voice saying "Katn-" was all she heard before she closed her eyes for the last time.


	4. 30 - Part Two

Peeta woke early, just before sunrise. He was on his side facing away from Katniss, the clock told him it was nearly seven. He rubbed his hands through his hair and stretched his back a little before rolling over to see her, but she wasn't there. The bed looked fairly neat on her side. He assumed she'd gone to the bathroom, so thought nothing of her lack of presence. He lay on his back, deciding what to say to her, whether to mention the previous day or not. But she wasn't back after 5 minutes, he tried to listen out for her, maybe she'd taken a bath? But he couldn't hear the bathroom fan which was always on with the light. He pushed back the covers and went over to their bathroom opening the door, she wasn't there. He could feel something rising within as he dashed into the hall and called her name a few times, there was no reply. He glanced in the other rooms upstairs before going to look downstairs, he couldn't find her. But she could be hiding, he turned back to the stairs and suddenly noticed her boots were gone from next to his, he checked the cupboard and her coat was gone. He picked up the cordless phone and went back to their room to check their closets – none of her clothes seemed to be gone. He dialled her parents' number, hoping if she'd gone somewhere that she would have gone there. "Hello?" Mrs Everdeen answered, he checked the clock again, it was just 7am, he was thankful she must have been on an early shift at her job, "Its Peeta," he said quickly, "Is Katniss with you?" Mrs Everdeen didn't hesitate to answer, "No, its early Peeta, is she not at home?" "I can't find her, I just woke up, she's not here, she … had a tough time yesterday, but she was fine with me … I thought she was anyway" he felt useless, he couldn't even take care of his wife, "Might she have gone to the cemetery?" Mrs Everdeen asked, and now he felt stupid for not even thinking it, "That's a good idea, she might have, but it's a fair few miles from here, she's got her coat and boots, but I don't think she dressed." Mrs Everdeen suggested that she stop by the cemetery on her way to work as she was just leaving anyway, he agreed as he threw on some clothes to wear so he could go out to look for her. "Peeta," Mrs Everdeen trod carefully, "How was she this week in general? I know she's been seeing her friends, but how did her mood seem?" He sighed, thinking about it, "Well she seemed alright … wait, she was under the weather, she'd been more tired and complained about a sore back, and she was vomiting for a few days. Before that she'd been fine, she seemed … content." He wanted to say she was happier, but her state wasn't happy at all, it was just more happy than it had been, content had to do. "She just came out of her grieving very quickly, she took on a lot, kept herself busy, I guess because of the time it looked like progress, but -" she hesitated, "it could have been a sign for something else." Peeta didn't like the thought of this, he had been watching out for signs of depression, and they'd been improving it had seemed, but he guessed he wasn't looking close enough.

 

After he finished speaking with Mrs Everdeen he called around all of their friends, he couldn't have cared less that it was barely past 7 in the morning, he just needed to know where she was, and how she was. Annie spoke to him rationally and told him to stay where he was in case she came back, "how would it look if she came home and you weren't there?" Annie had said to him, and he could see her point, to Katniss it would look like he'd abandoned her, like she had just done to him. He tried to push that extra thought from his head, she had clearly been hurting and couldn't manage it so jumped on her first instinct, to try and run from what she was feeling. He paced around their house, trying to think where she might have run to, the woods were his first thought, but they were miles away, she hadn't been eating and was exhausted, she wouldn't have been able to make it there. He couldn't think of anywhere else significant to her, other than her parents' house – so he called there again and this time spoke to her father, who was doing his best to keep calm, but Peeta knew he was worried. They didn't speak for long in case either of them got a call.

 

Mrs Everdeen called Peeta shortly after, saying Katniss hadn't been at the cemetery, and hadn't been admitted to the hospital, which Mrs Everdeen had checked when she got there. This information just caused him to worry more, and he found himself lashing out. He hit has palms against the door frame in frustration, he grunted in anger, and he ripped at his hair to do something else with his hands. The phone rang again, and he rushed to check the caller ID – it was Gale, the only word he heard was "hospital" before he hung up and ran to the car.

\--------

Gale was always an early riser. He liked to check the snare line before the sun rose in case there were any eager hunters around to take his catches. Not that it really mattered anyway, but he had put the snares down, in fairness, they were his catches.

 

He was cleaning up what he had gotten that morning when he heard someone loudly trundling onto his wooden porch, other hunters often stopped by to see him, they knew he was one of the top guys in the business and sometimes looked for advice, but this guy, he thought, wasn't a very good hunter if their tread was that loud. He strode over to the door and opened it widely, getting the shock of his life when something – someone – fell into his legs. It was Katniss. "Katniss?" he said loudly, crouching down and holding her shoulders, "Katniss?" he said louder, shaking her a little. She gave no response, and as he held his face towards hers he could hear her breathing become more erratic and shallower. He wrapped an arm around her back, and put his other under her knees, easily lifting her off of the ground, he couldn't help but notice how light she was, sure he'd not lifted her since they were teenagers and playing around in the woods, but he could tell what weights roughly weighed from all the moving of anything shot at a hunt. He also took in her appearance, she had blood all over her legs and hands, and some splattered on her chin, she was covered in dirt and the skin he could see was pale, allowing her blue veins to easily pop out. She was wearing thin clothes, which he took to be her pyjamas and he sighed as he placed her on his couch, "Oh Catnip" he let out in a breath. As he placed her down, her head and neck dropped to one side, and her arm slipped off the couch, he tried to rub her warm, and it shocked him, when his skin touched hers, at her low temperature. He tentatively placed two fingers at her neck to check her pulse, it took a while to find one, and once he did it was tricky to hold the rhythm there. He stroked her hair off her forehead, "You'll be ok" he whispered before grabbing the phone and calling the emergency services. He held her hand while waiting those long minutes for the ambulance to arrive, and as he heard the sirens in the distance he suddenly remembered Peeta, he dialed the number and spoke quickly, "I've got her, we're going to the hospital, meet us there" he heard Peeta hang up just as the ambulance arrived and he opened the front door waving the paramedics inside.

 

They worked quickly, putting on an oxygen mask and trying to get fluids into her, he couldn't help but notice the looks they gave to each other and then to Katniss, he knew they were wondering how she had gotten into this state, and quite frankly he was wondering the same.

 

On the way to the hospital the female who was tending to Katniss asked him what had happened, "I've no idea, she just appeared on my doorstep – I know her, we're good friends, but …" he sighed, "I just don't know what happened, her husband is going crazy, he's meeting us there" he told her, the woman just nodded, he felt like he needed to say more, "She's not been well for a while, 3 or 4 months, she's not right, not quite all there, up there" he said, tapping on his head with his finger a few times, the paramedic just nodded again, rechecking the fluid bags and squeezing one to get the flow to speed up.

 

He wondered where Peeta would meet them, he knew Peeta would want to be there right from the exit of the ambulance, but he hoped her mother had managed to keep him back; he wouldn't be any good in the situation. He'd be a panicking mess and would only slow down the treatment. The ambulance pulled in to the emergency bay at the front door of the ER and two doctors flung open the doors while the paramedic bundled the fluid bags onto the gurney next to Katniss' form, "What we got?" one of the doctors shouted loudly as the paramedic pushed the bed out of the door. He found himself frozen as time seemed to slow in front of his eyes, and by the time he snapped out of it, they were already pushing her into the building.

 

He strode in behind them, but at a distance to allow them to keep working, suddenly a nurse thrust a clipboard into his hands, "We need her details sir" she said to him, he just nodded, keeping his eyes on Katniss, he glanced around, looking for someone he knew, he didn't quite know what to do, which was a first for him.

 

"Gale" he heard someone shout, he turned around and saw Mr Everdeen briskly walking towards him and giving him a firm handshake, "She turned up on my doorstep, not in good shape, I called the emergency services right away" for some reason he always felt like he would be in trouble when it came to Mr Everdeen, "It's alright Gale," Mr Everdeen said, softening his face from its' hardened expression, "Thank you for getting her." Gale wanted to say something else but couldn't find the right words. But Mr Everdeen spoke next "Her mother's keeping him upstairs right now, best wait until they've had time to sort her a little, he's … hysteric." Gale just firmed his jaw while he watched the doctors and nurses attach more wires and put in more medications to Katniss. He suddenly remembered the clipboard in his hands and he looked down at it, "We have to fill this in", Mr Everdeen took it from him and began filling in her details, he got near the bottom of the page and spoke up, "I've made a decision for her" he said, Gale just looked at him, "She's not going home" Gale's expression turned curious now, "She's my little girl, she's not well, she needs help, why else would she run?" Both men sighed, and Mr Everdeen continued "I'm going to make sure she stays until she's got everything under control, is that the right call for me to make?" he turned to Gale, actually asking his opinion, "I couldn't say anything against your decision Sir" he told him, and Mr Everdeen nodded curtly.

 

They looked back into the room Katniss was in, they were now working to warm her, "Core temp almost 28 now" someone shouted from inside, "Get the tracer on, and take an ECG reading, keep on it all the time, we need to pick up an MI fast" someone else shouted, Gale assumed this was the one in charge. A nurse rushed through with bags of fluids in her arms, someone shouted thanks, and another nurse helped her put them up and connected them to Katniss. Once this was done, the nurses wrapped blankets tightly around Katniss, leaving little space, only enough for the machines to remain connected. Most of the medical team had started dispersing away from Katniss, but 3 or 4 remained, one was shining a light down her throat and trying to see as far as possible. They hadn't bothered to check her legs or hands which had been profusely covered with blood, but he guessed they must have been minor issues.

 

The staff seemed to have calmed down a bit now with their work around her, Gale and Mr Everdeen assumed it meant she was stable. Soon Peeta and Mrs Everdeen came down the corridor towards them, Peeta had had been trying to be stoic and put on a brave face, but it was a struggle. He hadn't seen her yet, sure Mrs Everdeen had been briefly informed of her condition, but knowing and seeing were two completely different things. He shook hands with Gale and Mr Everdeen when he got to them before looking into the room and feeling his heart simply drop from his body. She looked sick and injured, and in dire need of help. He knew that was what she was getting, but he couldn't help think more could be done, that he could have done more.

 

Mrs Everdeen went to the right doctor to get an update on Katniss, and he came over to join them, "How about we go and sit down?" he suggested to Peeta, he nodded in reply and let the doctor lead them away to a small waiting room off the corridor. "I won't beat around the bush" he said, Peeta clammed up, "She's treading a thin line, but she's on the right side of it just now. She's still hypothermic, so our priority is warming her up. Under 30 degrees the body starts to shut down, right now we have to be careful warming her to that point to get everything running again, the vital things to look out for are her heart and lungs, but we have the best team looking out for her and we're monitoring her closely." He paused, giving them a moment to take everything in, Peeta just felt disbelief, how could all this be happening? He just couldn't wrap his mind around it, sure you saw on television programs about these things, but they rarely happened to people in real life that you knew, and now his brain was trying to sort out all the mixed processes running through it. Gale felt it in his gut, the words struck him straight there, he had a sinking feeling about the whole situation, and still he couldn't help but feel like he was trespassing, sure he was her longest friend, but sitting with him were her husband and parents. Mrs Everdeen was a medical professional, she knew all of this, she'd treated people in similar situations, but never someone that she knew, never one of her own family members, never her daughter, so she turned into her husband and squeezed his hand, then placed her head onto his shoulder, letting them comfort each other.

 

Gale spoke first, "What about her other injuries?" he asked, Peeta's ears pricked up at this, "What other injuries? Did someone hurt her?" the anger rose and his face flushed red, the doctor tried to calm him, "We checked her hands quickly, there's no injuries there, and I think her legs were just superficial cuts, judging by the state of her clothes I'd say she fell over. Now our ENT has been checking her throat and he has a few concerns, but I'll get him to come and speak to you once he's made a full assessment, ok? Do you have any questions?" the four of them sat in silence, and as the doctor stood up to leave, Peeta put his hand on the man's arm, "Can I see her? She needs me" he said weakly, "Of course, come this way" Peeta followed the doctor back to Katniss' room in the ER, he went in carefully, not wanting to disturb anyone working, but a friendly looking nurse pulled him up a chair next to her head, "Husband?" she asked, and Peeta nodded, "Don't worry, we'll get her all sorted out" he continued nodding and turned to Katniss, mesmerised by how she looked – her hair draped over the bed and dangling off the edge, although there was an oxygen mask over her face, her skin looked fresh, it must have been cleaned, and that was all he could see. The rest of her was covered by several layers, the top one being a blanket; he assumed there were different warming things inside it. He moved is hand slowly, and tentatively touched her face with his fingers, she felt cold and once the feeling hit his skin, it was like a shot in the heart, and he broke down.

 

His emotions were flying, and he couldn't control them. He felt so much sadness at the condition she was in, he couldn't believe how this had happened, but it only made him wonder how it had got to this point that it did happen, was it his fault? Could he have done something more, gotten the right care – gotten any care? He felt guilty, at times it seemed all his fault. But that would subside, and he felt angry at Katniss, why didn't she just tell him, if she was troubled by something she could have told him, he's always trying to get her to tell him and she'd gotten a bit better at it recently, but he knew there was still so much that she hid. And then he went back to sadness, because his original thought that she would deteriorate in her own mind was, quite simply, coming true. She had gotten to a point where she couldn't handle anything so she had just upped and run. What were her intentions, did she simply want some time alone, or was there more to it? Maybe she just wanted to clear her thoughts? Or maybe … there was more … he desperately tried not to think about more, tried not to think that she had intended to end her life because of her pain. He held his hand more firmly on her face and pressed his own face onto the mattress of the trolley , right next to her own, and cried, whispering his love for her into her ear.

 

They let him sit with her for a while, but the ENT came by to talk to them, and so Gale and her parents entered the room along with the ENT himself – "We're concerned there might be a tear in her oesophagus" he said, "Now normally an endoscopy could tell us that, but we've decided it'll be best to wait until her temperature has risen more or until she wakes up." They nodded at his words as he gave them more information about what might be happening and the treatment options. Shortly after he left, Gale cleared his throat, "I can give you guys some time," he said to Peeta and her parents, "I'll let everyone know what's happened, I'll wait in the seating area" her parents nodded and he went to leave, but Peeta got up and walked out with him, leaving her parents with her. "Thanks" Peeta told Gale, "For getting her here, acting quickly" Gale shrugged this off, "Anyone would have done it" he responded. "Can you tell me what happened, what you saw?" Peeta asked him, "I just want to know … how she got to this, how we got here …" They sat down together, and Gale sighed a little, "I can't tell you much, I was cleaning my catches and heard a loud tread on the porch, when I opened the door she fell against me, she was unconscious before I could even say her name – I don't have a clue what happened before that. I'm sorry." Gale told Peeta – it was confirming his worries that only Katniss knew what had happened, and she was in no place to tell him what that was, nor what was wrong to make it happen. He had never been particularly close with Gale, but they got on well enough, "I just don't know how she got to this point to need to run – I mean yesterday she was a mess, being the due date and all, but she just disappeared into the night …" he ran his hands through his hair, "thank God she was near you, I can't think what would have happened otherwise." Gale left a few moments of silence, "There's been once before" he started, "where she ran. I don't know the details, but I know no-one else knows." Peeta looked at him curiously, "She would have been about 15, about the time you two met, we were meant to meet to go hunting, but she didn't show, she'd told her parents we were going camping and she'd gone to set up in the woods. But of course she hadn't, I looked for her, took me over a day to find her – God I know those woods well, but she had just kept going, I don't know what made her do it, she refused to tell me, anyway, I found her, sitting in just jeans and a shirt about 5 miles north of where the lodge is now. I cleaned her up, got her warmed and took her home. She didn't tell anyone, and it wasn't my story to tell. I didn't think she'd do it again." Gale wrapped an arm around Peeta's now shaking shoulders, "She'll be ok, she's a fighter, somewhere in there."

 

They sat in silence for a long while, each just seemed somewhat glad to have some company, "I'll let you get back to her, or just sit here, I'll call everyone, ok?" Gale said, Peeta nodded and patted Gale on the knee. Peeta remained seated, he wasn't sure he could handle all of this, he knew he didn't want to run though, so he had to wonder at what was happening in Katniss' mind.

 

Gale went outside and sat on a bench, trying to decide who to call first. Prim came to mind, but he couldn't make that call, she's be a mess when she found out, he almost thought maybe one of their parents should try and get out to see her. So he went for Annie, he knew Peeta had confided in her a little about Katniss, he guessed she would be most concerned, "Annie, it's Gale" he said, she sounded tearful in her greeting to him, "I have news, about Katniss, we're at the hospital right now" he said, "What's going on? Gale, what's happened?" "She appeared at the lodge this morning … not in a good way, I called an ambulance, they're trying to warm her now, the doctors say she's toeing the line, but she's on the right side of it just now" he could hear her start crying and Finnick came to the phone, Finnick told him he'd call the others and let Gale get back to Peeta – Finnick would be here if he could, but it would mean bringing Annie, who was like Peeta in these situations, she wouldn't know how to handle it. Gale promised he'd call later with an update before heading back inside.

 

Mr and Mrs Everdeen sat with Katniss. Neither of them knew what to say or do. They knew she'd been struggling, that much had been obvious. But like Peeta, they wondered how it had reached this point. And it was just another question which couldn't be answered. Her original doctor came back in to check the monitors, "She's doing good, her temperature's coming up and her heart's steady right now" he gave them a tight lipped smile and a curt nod, Mr Everdeen stopped him before he left, and walked into the hallway with him, "Can I ask some … advice, doctor?" "Of course Mr Everdeen." "She's not been very well recently, they lost a second baby back in October, she hasn't been handling it very well, just scraping by really – he's at his wit's end, he doesn't know how to help her, could … would a psychiatric evaluation be possible?" the words struggled to come to him, but he knew this was the right decision. He hadn't discussed it with his wife or Peeta yet, but he could deal with them later, Katniss was his priority in this moment.

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Peeta was with her hours later in the early evening when one of the monitors stared bleeping, his head jumped up, frantically looking to find which one it was, but there were so many he couldn't tell. Her doctor came back in and pressed a few buttons, "What is it? What's happening?" Peeta demanded, "It's ok Mr Mellark, her temperature's picked up well, her heart rate is just figuring itself out" he indicated to a nurse who had just entered, "We're just going to give her something to steady it, and she'll be able to regain consciousness soon." Once the nurse had administered the drug into one of the port's, the machine calmed down, as did Peeta. "Sorry, thank you" he said to the doctor, who just smiled in return, "You can see if she responds to you, talk to her, I'll just sort these out," he indicated the blankets, "and we can get you holding her hand." Peeta swallowed the lump in his throat, thankful that he was getting closer to her, thankful that, in the moment, she was getting better. The doctor moved the blankets and placed her arms on top of them, Peeta held her hand in his, and he got a better look at her, the blood which had apparently been on her hands was gone, but he could see dirt ingrained in her skin. He rubbed his fingers over hers and spoke to her, louder than a whisper, but still quietly so only she could hear. And to his relief, minutes later, she began to respond – it was slow at first, just twitches of her fingers, and then she managed a loose grip on his hand, he stood up at this and bent over her face, placing kisses on her cheeks and continuing talking to her, and tears fell from his eyes when she opened hers blearily. They looked tired at first, but then turned to panic, "It's ok, it's ok Katniss, you're safe, you're in hospital, you're ok" he soothed her, she tried to believe him, but she was still struggling. The doctor came over at this point, "Katniss we need you to try and relax for us, breath nice and steadily, gently does it, then we can take this mask off for a little while." She looked into his face and watched his words and managed to calm her breathing down, she tried to swallow but her mouth was dry and was aching along with her throat and chest. Peeta sat back, giving her a little room, but he still gripped her hand tightly, not wanting to let her go ever again.

 

The doctor monitored her different values for her heart and pressures and checked the medications before going back close to Katniss. He held his hand near the mask, but stopped, "Now we think there might be a tear somewhere in your throat, but we haven't been able to get the right tests yet, so you're going to feel sore, it would be best if you tried not to talk, ok? Just until we can establish what we're dealing with." She stiffly nodded her head twice and let the doctor lower the mask so it was around her neck, to hand if it needed to be placed back on in a rush. Peeta leaned in closer to her and saw her watery eyes, he gently and quickly placed a kiss on her lips, not stopping the airflow, and kept his head close to hers, "You're ok, you're safe, I'm here with you, always", she blinked once, slowly, taking his message in. There was so much that she wanted to say to him, but she couldn't. She tried to speak to him through her eyes, but they just kept blurring with tears. She wanted to sit up to hold him, or have him hold her, but she couldn't because of all the machines and blankets and extra equipment. So she closed her eyes slowly and turned her neck a little to face him, "Are you ok?" he asked gently, she nodded a little, "Does something hurt? Do you need something?" he pressed her, she shook her head quickly and tightened her fingers on his hand, trying to convey that she just wanted him.

 

The next day the ENT checked her throat with an endoscopy exam and was able to determine that it was a minor tear just at the start of her oesophagus and it would be able to heal on its own as long as she was careful. She was also able to hold her temperature stable at almost 36˚c, which although was a little lower than normal, the medics said that under the circumstances this wasn't too bad and it would be ok for her to come off of the priority list. When they took her upstairs to a private room in a ward she was able to try talking for the first time, it took many minutes to try and get full words out without choking, but eventually she managed, "I love you" were the first words she spoke to Peeta and she was finally able to pull him into a hug and hold his warm body close to hers. She felt his heartbeat almost leaping from his chest and it gave her comfort, and she let herself relax into his body. He did the same to her, it felt so good to hold her properly, to have her in his arms, under his protection.

 

"Katniss, I want you to know I'm only asking because it's important, I know you don't want to talk about it, but please, darling, you have to." He said this the following day, she really hadn't said much since she was first able to speak again, she mumbled an embarrassed apology to Peeta, but just kept telling him that she loved him. It confused him, it made him wonder if she had done something that would make him think otherwise, but he couldn't come up with any answers. "Please can you tell me what happened?" she took in a deep breath through slightly parted lips, swallowed dryly and gave a slow and unconvincing nod once. She took a sip of water, "I will" she said quietly, looking away from Peeta's eyes, he lets her, not wanting to make her more uncomfortable – how did they get here? A happily married couple being so awkward around each other?

 

"I couldn't sleep, it felt like something inside me was pushing me … urging me to just go somewhere. I couldn't make sense of it all, and then I was putting on my boots and coat and walking away…" She sipped more water and sniffed quietly, "I don't remember much else, but it was cold and I was near the woods, I felt like a voice told me to go further, but I couldn't figure it out … I wasn't happy" her eyes were fixed to a spot on the floor, not blinking, not moving. "I was in the woods and I might have been asleep, the next thing I remember was falling over and there was blood everywhere and I made it to Gale's lodge." She shuffled a little, it seemed like she was moving further away from him, as she finished. Peeta remained silent, after a long pause he just said, "Its ok." She wanted to protest against him, but stopped herself, she'd done enough. "Peeta, I'm sorry, you don't deserve me" she tried to pull back further from him, but he kept his grip on her hands, tightening it so she couldn't get away. She tugged a little, but it was no use. "Katniss, what the hell are you talking about? What the heck is wrong with you?" he angrily said loudly. She looked up, Oh f*** Peeta thought, her face had almost crumpled fully and she was shaking. He let go of her hands in shock and she scurried back, pushing the blankets off and trying to get up, but she was attached to monitors on both sides of the bed. She cautiously stood anyway and moved as close to the wall as she could, turning her back to Peeta, who stayed frozen, immediately regretting his words, sitting on the bed. "Darling I didn't mean it, I'm so sorry, Katniss, I didn't mean it" he felt the emotion rising, regret and heartbreak at his wrongly placed words, "I'm so sorry" he stood up, he wanted nothing more than to protect her again, but she wouldn't allow it, he had certainly done his best at royally messing everything up, for all he had done, it had been him the one to snap at her. "Please," she whispered, "don't. Please leave me alone right now." She was crying now, not letting him see, he didn't move towards the door, "Peeta just go!" she said much louder, "I don't want to see anyone. Go!" She coughed at the strain on her voice and he worried about her injuring herself further, but he didn't say anything because she wouldn't listen. Begrudgingly he slowly walked to the door, he put his hand on the handle, "I'm so sorry" he said, quietly with sorrow, and he left through the door, closing it behind him.

 

He thought about sitting in the seat outside her door and waiting, but he had to get out of there, the pressure was building and getting too much. He pulled out his phone and texted her father, 'I screwed up, you need to go and see her' was all he wrote. Then he drove to see his own father, who would be at work in the bakery. He went in through the back, shouting a hello to whoever was in working, and then went and sat in the office, planning to wait until his father came to see what was wrong. Unfortunately his father knew this was the purpose of most visits, and Peeta just wanted advice, which Mr Mellark was more than happy to give.

 

"How do you do it?" He asked his father, "How do you be the best husband all the time?" he wasn't meaning 'you' as in just his father, he meant it in general terms, he couldn't grasp what he was doing wrong that he had just snapped at Katniss. "There is no best husband, son, everyone is different" Mr Mellark told him, of course he knew this, but it just wasn't sticking in his mind, "I snapped at her, I was awful" he admitted, "I'm sure it wasn't as bad as you're thinking", but Peeta just shook his head, "It was dad," he ran his hands through his hair, lowering his face so his father couldn't see it, "I yelled, asking what the hell was wrong with her, I mean, what sort of f***ing idiot does that when his wife is in hospital!" He hated swearing in front of his family, it really wasn't him at all, but there were no other words that fit quite as well as it did. His father patted him on the back, "Son, it'll be fine. Katniss needs more help than you can give her, you've been stretching yourself for weeks, you're stressed too." He wonders how his father knows this, and must give a curious look to him, "Her father came by to see me, knew you wouldn't tell me anything was wrong – he was right." Peeta didn't reply, "Come and bake some bread, give something a good pounding, calm you down" his father stated, not giving him an option, and he went out to the kitchen.

 

After Peeta left, Katniss froze. She hadn't been alone in a hospital since … she didn't like it, her skin felt like it was crawling and itching, she held her right hand over her left arm, ready to scratch it. But she stopped. Instead she yanked the varying monitors from her arms and chest, and tugged the needles out which were administering several bags of fluids and antibiotics, and she suspected nutrition, to her system. It hurt, but she brushed it off. When the machines stopped detecting her output they began to bleep loudly, so she pulled their plugs from the wall and they stopped. She held onto the bed to keep herself upright for her legs were shaking uncontrollably. She felt tears drip from her face, and she sniffled a little to stop her nose running. Then she made her way to the other side of the bed, away from the door, and slumped down onto the floor, pulling her knees into her chest and pressing her head firmly down into them. She began to feel lightheaded from all the sudden movement and her stomach churned, she willed herself not to be sick. She closed her eyes, happy to let whatever happen just happen.

 

Mr Everdeen got Peeta's text shortly after it had been sent, he wasn't quite sure what had gone on, but his instinct was to just go to Katniss. He made his way there and went to the room she had been assigned. He knocked, but there was no answer, he tried again but still nothing. He slowly tried to quietly open the door so he could glance in, in case she was asleep, but as soon as he saw no-one in the bed, he opened it fully and walked in. All the machines were off, the lines running from the medication and fluid bags were on the bed and floor, spilling their contents out. He heard a snuffled breath and went around to the other side of the bed. There he saw his frail daughter, tight in a ball, rocking herself back and forward. At that moment he knew this had to stop, he had to make sure the doctor got someone proper to help her now. He sat next to her, making sure she could hear his movements, and feel his arm lightly graze hers. "Katniss," he said softly, she stopped rocking, "let's get you back in bed." He held his arms around her shoulders to help her stand, but she didn't even bother trying. "Come on, you're not doing any good sitting on the floor, we'll get the monitors back on you and no harm done." His voice sounded like he was speaking to a young child, not his 25 year old one. She still refused to move, he sighed and stood up. Heading out to the corridor he found her doctor, "She's pulled everything out and turned the monitors off" he said to the man, who looked alarmed at this discovery, "She's sitting on the floor … I think now's the time to get the help … the psychiatric help" he added, then quickly continued, "I know I'm not a doctor, but she's not right and she won't tell you so herself." The doctor nodded quickly and asked a nurse to call for a psychiatric consult as soon as possible, then both the doctor and Mr Everdeen went to Katniss, and with firm actions picked her from the floor, despite her protests, and tucked her firmly into the bed. Mr Everdeen was sure the doctor would have put restraints on her, but that probably couldn't be done until she was admitted to the psychiatric ward, which he would make sure happened. A nurse came in and reattached the monitors and put in new lines of fluids, she smiled to Katniss and just said, "Now don't be pulling these ones out" in an almost joking manner. Katniss just turned her face from her.

 

The doctor came back, followed closely by a female doctor, who introduced herself to Mr Everdeen as a psychiatric consultant, he shook her hand, and she asked him outside for a chat, while the original doctor ran a workup and check on Katniss.

 

She asked him all sorts of questions, what had triggered this, why this moment to get psychiatric assistance, had anything like this happened before. He answered the best he could, he explained about how they'd lost two children now, the first was bad, but she did very well herself with it, but the second was much worse, he said he didn't think she had finished grieving. He said how it was the due date that triggered it, the woman didn't need to hear anymore as the rest was in the notes. But she asked about a previous history next, "There was one time," he said, "it was maybe ten years ago, she didn't tell us, but we sensed something was up, she left suddenly, like she had done the other night. Luckily a friend was on the ball and sorted her out, but I guess that was the start of it all – I'm really not sure what happened then." The psychiatrist nodded along, not commenting, when she was ready to see Katniss she went into the room and spoke to her alone.

 

As the psychiatrist came into the room, something in Katniss' mind clicked into place, she wasn't sure what it was. No one did when they noticed the change in her, some suggested time, some thought maybe fear, or maybe hormones, but there wasn't a definite answer. So when the psychiatrist asked questions, Katniss answered honestly. It was hard when she was asked why she ran, because she wasn't sure of the exact answer herself, but she furthered her answer and her voice managed to remain steady and not falter, somehow, right now, it felt strangely good saying all of this, "It's my fault, that the baby died, he was inside me, it's my fault." The psychiatrist didn't tell her otherwise, but she didn't agree either – the medical notes had said that it was natural, just something that had happened; even if anything had been done differently the outcome would still be the same. Katniss didn't like to trust this though. The psychiatrist asked some more questions and she continued with her truthful answers – about how she ran when she was a teenager, how she didn't know what was wrong then, but she found herself ok a few days later, how she felt after the first loss and what it was like allowing them to get pregnant again. "I did try to feel better, I really did, but something stopped me" she said finally to the woman, who nodded at the response and wrote a few more notes on her paper. "Right Katniss," she said when she was done writing, "I'd like to keep you in up on one of our wards for a three or four days, just to make sure your wellbeing is safe." Katniss is glad the psychiatrist gets straight to the point, she doesn't really want to stay, but she'll disappoint more people, so Katniss nods a few times in her direction, but opens her mouth, thinking if she wants to say something, she pauses, as does the psychiatrist, giving her some time, "Ok, but Peeta does keep me safe too." "Peeta's your husband?" "… Yes." Now she couldn't remember where he was, she glanced around the room, in the moment, not remembering he wasn't in there with her. She leant forward in the bed to look out the door, she could see someone standing outside, but it didn't look like Peeta, "Your father's here, do you want me to get him? I'm finished anyway, I need to fill in a few forms and get sorted upstairs, but I'll be back to see you in a few hours." Distractedly Katniss gave her a yeah and continued trying to see out of the door when the psychiatrist opened it. Her father came in and went to her bed, she pulled him in for a hug. He seemed surprised at her, "You're feeling ok?" he asked, and she gave a tiny smile, "Something clicked … I don't know, it was weird, but … I can't … remember" she said, glancing around at her surroundings again, "I'm struggling to remember … things" she said cautiously, "Do you know where Peeta is?" "I'm afraid I don't sweetheart, he wasn't here when I arrived." She furrowed her brow trying to remember where he was … when she'd last seen him.

 

Mr Everdeen tried calling Peeta, but the phone was never answered. He called Mr Mellark, who explained to him everything that Peeta had told him that had occurred that day, and Mr Everdeen relayed everything from his end, and that Katniss just wanted Peeta. He explained that Katniss was going to stay in for psychiatric evaluation, but she seemed alright for the time being.

 

Mr Mellark tried to get Peeta to go back to Katniss, but he refused, even when he was told that it seemed like Katniss hadn't remembered anything – Peeta wished that he could be just like that, not remember what he'd said to her. "I'll go tomorrow" he told his father, "I'm not sure what the restrictions are, they might not let you" Peeta gave a questioning look, "She's staying in … in the psychiatric ward, her father just said it was for monitoring, son, go now and talk to her, she's confused and wants to see you." He didn't go though.

 

She sat in silence in the hospital bed, curled on her side until she was taken to the psychiatric ward. She let them take her without any fuss, and they smiled away at her as they did some routine checks and examinations for their own notes. Her parents arrived shortly after she did and they sat with her for a little while, they really didn't know what was going on with her, it was such a contrast to just the day before. When they left, her mother said to her father "Sometimes after trauma the brain just blocks it all out, not much is known about how exactly it works, but it just does – it can all come back though, and it's that day that I'm afraid of." Mr Everdeen comforted his wife as they guiltily went home, leaving their daughter there alone, who was still not quite sure what was up with Peeta. After they left, a nurse came through to Katniss and gave her a sedative, she'd said something about it being standard with the sleep cycle or procedure or something, Katniss hadn't really paid attention, she just took the pill and a little water as the nurse injected something else into one of the port's in her arm.

 

She woke in a terror, not knowing where she was or how she had gotten there. It was still dark inside, and she presumed outside as well, "Peeta?" she called, frantically looking around, finding herself unaware of her surroundings. Pushing back the blanket she recognised that she wasn't at home, she gingerly felt up her arms with her hands and found the different attachments, and it flooded back that she was in hospital. She sank back into the bed, pulling the blanket back up to her neck, and clung to it with her hands, her eyes widely trying to scan the darkness of the room, but she couldn't make anything out. Soon she found herself lulled back into a restless sleep, presumably by another dose of medication.

 

The nurses woke her the next morning for breakfast, and she wondered if waking in the night had been real or not. There was an odd quality to the memory, perhaps she'd remained in her nightmare while being awake? No, she shook the thought from her head. Someone helped her have a shower so she could dress and feel a little more normal, but she felt awful embarrassment at being naked in front of someone else, the middle aged woman just chucked, and told her 'I've seen much worse than you in my time!' Katniss shivered at the thought of having to do this for many people every day. Later on she asked if she could use a phone, but they said not today. Not in the first 24 hours after admission. She bit her lip and nodded at their response, she just wanted Peeta. She sat on the very edge of the bed, facing the wall and hugged her arms around her body, hanging her head low and letting the emotions fall. She'd been abandoned and there was nothing she could do.

 

After refusing to see her, later that night Peeta regretted his decision. He couldn't sleep at all, and kept tossing and turning in their bed, running the words he said to her over in his mind. He was an idiot – that was about all he knew in that moment. He got up and checked the information that Mr Everdeen had posted through their door, visiting hours were strict and weren't until evenings – you also had to sign up to be allowed in. He grunted at himself, for allowing this to happen, and finally went back to bed. The following day he called up and asked about seeing Katniss, he gave them the information they needed and in return he got permission.

 

At five to six in the evening Peeta was pacing outside the hospital, nervous as to what he would find when he would get to Katniss in five minutes time. He'd been told it seemed like she couldn't remember, but he found this strange, she was horrified by his words to her, surely you couldn't forget in a snap? He gulped and strode into the building, heading up to the right floor.

 

When he got there, a nurse gave him an identity card and checked everything he had with him – they had certain regulations that must be followed. He was preoccupied throughout all of this; all he needed was to see her. His heart leapt when the nurse pointed him towards her room and he gave a smile to her before heading down the corridor. He stood at the door a moment, breathing in to try and calm himself, prepare himself for anything which might happen. He knocked lightly and waited a few seconds before slowly opening the door. She was lightly sleeping in the bed, with the blanket half draped across her. He shut the door behind him, and as quietly as possible moved a chair to the bedside where he sat down. She stirred shortly after, and he sat up straighter in his seat.

 

"Peeta?" she questioned quietly, checking that he was actually there and not just a figment of her imagination, "Yes baby" he said quietly, edging closer to her. She pushed the blanket and herself off the bed, he noticed she was in some of her own warm pyjamas, and she launched herself into his arms, in a fit of sobs, "You promise … you promise," she said in between sniffs and sobs, "promise me you'll never … never … ever … leave me … so, so lost … and alone," she pulled tighter to him, "ever again." His arms tighten on her now, "Never," he said, "I promise you, I will never do that." She sighed into him, still crying, but these are tears of joy to see him.

 

Once they're settled next to each other on the edge of the bed, she turns to him, "I don't remember what happened" she said, "you were just gone, and I-" she began, "I just wanted to be gone too" she admitted to him, "I hadn't been alone in hospital since we," she gulped, "lost him." Her voice broke a little, "but I seemed, after a while, more … fine." He kissed her cheek, "I don't know what's happening inside me." She added shyly leaning towards Peeta a little more. "That's ok," he told her, "we can do it together." He still felt guilty over what he said, "I need you to know, I was only gone because of something I did, it was nothing to do with you, it was all me." She looked up at him, her eyes full of innocence, "I won't tell you now, we are focussing on you right now, but maybe sometime. When you might feel ready." She was confused by everything he was saying and it unsettled her.

 

He didn't have long left in the allocated visiting hours, "I didn't want to take it" she said suddenly, "Take what?" he questioned, "Medication, they made me take it, my dad has the prescription, I have to keep taking it." She felt her face flush, taking medication was like giving up, it was like failing. Peeta wasn't quite sure what to say, he knew medication worked for some people and it really helped them out, but Katniss was stubborn, she wouldn't do something she really didn't want to, everyone knew that, so he nodded, "How are they? How do they make you feel?" she chewed her bottom lip a little, "Alright, I guess. I didn't like the feeling at first, but apparently that's normal when they give you the first larger dose overnight," she said, indicating the stand for fluid bags which at night held both bags of normal antibiotics and now this medication diluted in fluid. He held her hands, and spoke quietly to her, he knew this comforted her, made them feel close, more intimate, "What about now?" she lowered her head and felt ashamed when she replied, "Ok … better than before." She didn't want to admit that this seemed to be working when she'd put Peeta through so much the past handful of months. He smiled, "I'm glad you're feeling a bit better", it felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders in that room, and he hugged her tightly, he could almost feel her smile against his chest, but he couldn't wait to see her finally smile properly, he just didn't know when that would be.

 

He was back the next day as well, and as he left a nurse called him over, "It won't be for another couple of days, but we can start prepping for discharge" she told him, he was surprised – in a good way, and he took the information sheets from her. There were things he needed to do around the house, and things he needed to do for her, and then information about the medication. Then nurse also gave him her outpatients appointment information, she had to go and see someone every month or so to see how she was getting on – he didn't know if Katniss already knew this, but he could tell she wouldn't be happy with this end of the deal. But it had to be like that, she had to know that.

 

And soon enough it was two days later when he arrived at the hospital to take her home. Katniss had been thoroughly warned about side effects and such of the medication, which were important to keep an eye on as the hospital give a larger dose to get started, and larger than in the pills that she was taking home with her. And she'd been told to take it easy for a few days to get back into her regular lifestyle, she couldn't really recall what that was, it had been so long since anything had been 'regular', she would have to come up with something new. So they drove home, Peeta going incredibly slowly, as if she were made of china and would break at a sudden movement, but Katniss didn't say anything, she just gazed out of the window and tapped her fingernails on the dashboard. When they pulled into their driveway she didn't get out, "What have people been saying?" she asked him directly. He turned, surprised by her question, "Nothing, nothing at all" he told her truthfully. She nodded slowly, trying to decide what to think of that, then opened the car door to get out.

 

Her father came by later with her prescription of medication, which Peeta put away in a cupboard before making tea for them all. Katniss couldn't help feeling embarrassed now, now that she was more aware of things, she felt awkward having let her father witness everything that had happened. It just didn't seem right. "Did, em …" she started, fiddling with the hem of her shirt, "did anyone, well, does Prim know?" she asked, her father shook his head, "No, we thought it best not to say anything, it's your choice, you can tell her if you want to, when you're ready." "Right" she replied, unsure what her decision would be. "I don't know what to do. With my time, I mean." She looked at both Peeta and her father, "I'm not going back to my job, they know too much, it would be horrible" both men nodded at her, and Peeta spoke up, "You can do whatever you like, the world is your oyster, well the city, but still, anything you like." He smiled sweetly at her and she tried to return it. "Well if you need something to fill your free time you can come and help out in the store" her father suggested, he owned a small hardware store which she had worked in while she was a teenager, "Maybe" she said, thinking of the options. She knew she wanted to keep at least a little busy as sitting around in the house would only threaten terrible memories, and though she felt better about everything now, there was this cloud of risk on the verge of a downpour.

 

Later in the evening she managed to pick up the phone and call Gale, apologising for turning up on his doorstep like she did, and she learnt just how worried he was. She almost thought she could hear his voice crack with a few tears when she was speaking to him. She had never known him to cry, it made her feel awful that it was her that had done that to him. But he pushed back her apologies saying he was just glad that she was alright now and on the mend. She agreed with him after hanging up the phone, she was glad she seemed to be on the mend too.

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It took a few weeks for her to get settled properly at home with the medication, she almost felt a little weird about it, like it was an intruder, but that gradually dissipated and she relaxed around herself a lot more. She found it odd being at home in general too, it felt like she hadn't really been there at all for months, she guessed that was her mind blurring it all out.

 

And she started letting her friends back into her life yet again. It was Annie first, because she knew that when she told her everything she wouldn't judge her or question anything, and Katniss was right, when she said that she was on medication to Annie, the response was just a nod and a slight smile and they carried on their conversation. It gave a sense of relief to Katniss that this was ok – well it wasn't always ok for her. There were days when she was terribly frightened and would hide away in a small space in their house, or when she couldn't get out of bed, or when she wouldn't eat, the worst were days she couldn't remember anything much other than her name and that she was married to Peeta and who her parents were. If Peeta was already at work she'd call him in a blind confusion and he spoke to her calmly, trying to work through it with her. Usually he just had to come home to her and hold her close until she remembered, which was why she stopped calling him after the first handful of times it had happened, she took away from his work. So she started calling her father, the first time had sent him into an incredible panic, not knowing what was happening and rushing to get Peeta, but after that he knew what to do.

 

It was the end of March or beginning of April when she allowed herself to become intimate again with Peeta. Intimacy, or more the idea of intimacy, had troubled her for a while. Her first concern was about Peeta because she knew he'd just be thinking about her, and she couldn't remember the last time they had had sex, it had to have been at least six or seven months. Her other concern was over the medication and the effect it would have, had it made her want, or even not want, anything? She'd read the information that came with the pills and searched the internet which gave her pretty varied answers, it just seemed to depend on the individual – so that worried her. She didn't bring this up with Peeta, but she knew that he was aware of it because he will have read the same supplied information. She was nervous when she initiated it in bed that night, and could tell his surprise when she deepened their kisses and took off her clothes. He was very careful at first, gently kissing her, whispering to her, but encouraging her not to do anything she didn't want to – but she did want to do this and so she continued.

 

She burrowed into his warmth afterwards as he pulled her close to him. They sighed together in contentment, enjoying this moment of peace and rest. It felt like the first in a very long time.

 

"It was right to wait," she said suddenly, her voice sounding sleepy, "Hmm?" he replied to her, she yawned before answering "I'm sorry I made you wait, but I had to. It was only right; it just felt right to wait the six weeks – that's what they tell you after you have a baby." Her breathing had become shallow as she moved into sleep and he couldn't ask her anything else, he wanted to say that he didn't mind not having sex because her recovery was so much more important. But when he counted back the dates in his head he realised that she was right, it had been six weeks since their child should have been born. He smiled sadly and placed a kiss onto her forehead before drifting off himself.


	5. 30 - Part Three

So now they were nearly 30.

 

Most of their friends had children, Delly had had a third child, another boy, Annie had a son with Finnick, and Madge had a daughter. Johanna hadn't had children, she was very adamant that she wouldn't, but she was happy to entertain them whenever they were all together. Which was something Katniss didn't like to do – if the children were playing together she wouldn't join Johanna and Peeta with them, she remained with the other adults in a separate room. It was understandable to everyone else, and they never brought up trying again. Peeta did on the odd occasion, usually when he'd had a little too much to drink, but Katniss was now able to brush those comments off lightly rather than take them the wrong way. If anyone met Katniss now they would assume she didn't like children at all.

 

One weekend Katniss had been getting dressed when she found her jeans wouldn't fit, she didn't make a deal of it though, and pulled out an old larger pair from the drawer and got them on easily – she smiled a little at this, she was glad some weight was finally going on and actually staying there. Since she lost all the weight after the last time it had been a never-ending struggle to maintain at a healthy number, no matter what she ate and did, nothing was working. She really didn't share this much, only with Peeta and eventually Annie, they knew how hard she was trying. It didn't help that on some days she just didn't like food or she just didn't feel hungry. It was bad when she went to the gym. She only went to try and gain muscle, but in the changing rooms some of the other women would shoot her looks, sometimes of disgust, and she knew they were thinking that she was another typical anorexic, obsessed with losing weight. It annoyed her that people judged so quickly when they didn't know her struggles.

 

So she went downstairs and stood in front of Peeta, who was at the dining table reading the newspaper, she put her hands on her hips and smiled triumphantly at him, he looked up with a bemused face, "What?" he questioned, "These are my old jeans" she said proudly. He stood up and pulled her to him, kissing her on the lips, "Well done" he said to her, "Do we need to celebrate or are we ok just doing regular weekend things?" she smacked him lightly on the arm and laughed a little.

 

A few weeks later she was happily still in the same jeans, she couldn't work out what she'd done differently, what food she'd eaten for the weight to stay, but maybe it was just age and her metabolism slowing down. If her friends noticed, they didn't say anything. This had happened a couple of times before, and then it suddenly all dropped off again and she'd end up disappointed – this time felt different though. Those other times she'd put it down to the medication, but she was off that now. After a few years it was a mutual decision between her and Peeta and her doctor that she could start coming off of it, it took a handful of months, but it felt like an achievement once it was over. It didn't come easily, and at the start of cutting down there were more hard days than she'd experienced before, but she got through it with Peeta by her side. So the medication wasn't affecting anything now. It had been Christmas fairly recently though, well a couple of months ago, and she had eaten a lot …

 

She pushed the thoughts off until early March when she couldn't get out of bed one morning, Peeta threw her worried glances and asked if she wanted him to stay, she said she was fine, just tired. It took a lot of convincing but eventually he left for work, promising he'd call to check she was ok. He thought she was maybe having a relapse, she knew she wasn't, she really was just tired and wanted more sleep. Something woke her mid-morning, she didn't know what it was, but there was a feeling somewhere inside that there was more to it. She pushed her exhaustion aside and took a shower before getting dressed. She knew Peeta would probably call and he would be hysterical if she didn't answer, but that was a risk she'd just have to take.

 

She wrapped her coat around her, cutting out the spring gusts, and walked towards Annie's house, stopping at the store on her way.

 

She pressed the bell and stood back from the door, waiting for Annie to answer it – she hoped that Annie was actually in, it hadn't occurred for her to check before just turning up. Thankfully she was, and the door opened to a smiling Annie, "Oh, hey Katniss, come on in" Annie had said, it was almost like she had been expected to go over. Katniss ignored this and went on in to the house, hanging up her coat and clutching her paper bag from the shop. Annie put on the kettle for tea and Katniss sat down at the counter, placing the bag in front of her. She held her hands tightly in her lap and glanced down more often than not.

 

"What's up?" Annie asked, Katniss took a deep breath and opened the bag, pulling out a boxed pregnancy test and placing it on top of the bag. She bit her lip and looked down nervously, "You think you're …" Annie started, Katniss just nodded, her throat seemed to have closed off. Annie threw her arms around Katniss while she shuddered and let out some sobs, "I can't … I just can't go through it again …" she spoke quietly into Annie, "I can't put Peeta through it" she hiccoughed. Annie was unsure what to say, she couldn't say 'It'll be fine' because of the two previous occasions where it just wasn't … "You won't know until you take it" she said as gently as she could, "And Peeta will always be with you." Katniss couldn't help but agree, Peeta would always be with her, but she didn't know if he would be with her still if they had to handle another loss.

 

Eventually Katniss made her way to the bathroom with the test in hand. She shook while she took it and placed it next to the sink as she washed her hands and waited the three minutes. She wrung her hands together while the time passed slowly, and she braced herself to look when the time was up.

 

Positive.

 

She froze in shock. Though she almost knew that's what it would say, she could just feel it inside. She just felt different. She felt herself stumble back a little against the door and sliding down to sit on the floor, "Katniss?" she could hear Annie question on the other side, "Are you ok?" She unlocked the door and moved to let Annie in, who locked the door behind her. Annie glanced at the test before sitting next to Katniss and holding her hand. "You'll be alright" she told her, wiping away a few of Katniss' silent tears with a tissue, "Think about the now, the right now" she told her further before Katniss crumpled against her in further tears.

 

They sat there most of the day, Finnick got home with their son and called out to Annie, "In here," she shouted back, "Just go entertain yourself for a while." He went up to the bathroom door, "What are you doing in the-" she cut him off, "It's fine. Go and watch TV, or make dinner, or … bake a cake or something." She hoped he'd get the message to call Peeta, but he wasn't exactly always on the ball. He walked away anyway and Annie hoped Peeta would be there soon.

 

Katniss hadn't realised how long they'd sat on the bathroom floor until she heard Annie talking to Finnick through the door. She looked up and sniffed, wiping her eyes, "I'm sorry, I'm acting like such an idiot" she told Annie, trying to laugh a little, but Annie waved her away speaking about her hormones. She swallowed. She would have to do this again. And she would need Peeta for it. She stretched her legs a little and stood up, "I better get going, Peeta will be out of his mind – I was in bed when he left this morning." Annie nodded, "Finnick might have called him, we'll have to see." Together they left the bathroom, Katniss checking her face was dry, although nothing could hide the red rims around her watery looking eyes. They found Finnick on the phone in the kitchen while trying to get the little boy to eat some sliced banana. "And I have her right here for you, they've been locked away together doing God knows what, painting toenails, facials, cheating on us … with each other" Finnick joked down the line, obviously speaking to Peeta. "I'll bring her home … bye." Finnick hung up, "You're going to have a lot of explaining to do, he's had Gale and Johanna out in the woods looking for you." Katniss grew red with embarrassment and guilt over what worry she'd caused Peeta, she nodded and went to put on her coat and boots.

 

Finnick drove her home, they didn't speak, she just gazed out of the window for the journey. She hadn't realised they'd stopped until Finnick put his hand on her knee, "You feeling ok?" he asked, it was a general enough question so she nodded and thanked him before getting out onto the street. When she slammed the car door closed, the front door to their house flew open and Peeta dashed out, pulling her quickly into him, clinging to her for dear life. Neither said anything, but she wrapped her arms around his body in return and placed kisses on his cheek. "I'm so sorry, I should have called, I was with Annie, I'm fine" she whispered to him, he kept his hold on her, "It's ok, we're ok, just … not again" he replied, to which she nodded.

 

Later on that night they lay in bed together, on their separate sides but holding hands in the middle. They were both exhausted and wanted to sleep, but Katniss wanted to tell Peeta the news and Peeta didn't want to let Katniss out of his sight. Just as she felt herself drifting off, she yawned and then sighed, "Peeta I'm pregnant" she revealed sleepily, blinking slowly. His eyes popped open, now wide awake, "W-what?" he stuttered out, and she lazily nodded, he hesitated before asking his next question, "Is this ok? Being pregnant, are you ok with it?" She opened her eyes and became more alert, she saw his eyes were watering and she immediately knew these were going to be tears of joy. She shook her head, and a flash of something crossed his face, "I'm terrified, we can't lose another … it might kill me." She admitted honestly to him before continuing, "But we'll take each step at a time, each day as its own and not look far ahead." He nods to her and smiles, pulling them together, muttering something about her being so wise, she didn't let on that it was pretty much what Annie had told her to do.

 

The next morning he was awake waiting for her, "I know you weren't sure if this was what you wanted, I'm not sure how it happened, but we'll do everything we can to make it work." She just nodded, knowing quite well how it happened – they weren't very consistent with protection and she often forget to take her birth control pills. The memory lapses had been a recurrence since her stay in the hospital all those years ago, it was just something that happened, less so now, but it was often just little things. They made an appointment with their doctor for the following week, and until then took every precaution to keep Katniss safe. She moved with trepidation and didn't leave their house, and she made sure to eat enough food, and get all the right vitamins. She wanted to be on the ball this time, it couldn't hurt their chances.

 

She was a nervous wreck by the day of their appointment. The morning sickness had started that day and she still felt a little uneasy as they went into the doctor's office. Peeta rubbed her back as they waited, and as they went through to the right room, where they sat in front of the doctor – the same one who had been with them both previous times. "What can I do for you today?" she asked them smiling, "We think I'm pregnant" Katniss told her anxiously. The doctor nodded and asked a few basic questions before asking to carry out an internal ultrasound. Katniss agreed, but felt the adrenaline circulating her body in fear of what they might, or might not, see.

 

But it was ok. There was a steady beating heart and a tiny baby who the doctor said was just about twelve weeks. They both let out small sighs of relief at the sight of the baby and the sound of the heart, but they both knew there was still a long road ahead of them. They asked the doctor what they could do to help promote the pregnancy, help it last, help stop the baby from … She gave them all the leaflets she had, but it was nothing more than they had done before, it opened a pit in their stomachs when it seemed like it was all to do with luck and chance. But she did offer them much more regular appointments to help keep Katniss calm and much more at ease, for stress of the mother can translate to the baby, and Katniss asked if she could come every week, just to be on the safe side, she had said, and the doctor happily complied.

 

They left with lots to discuss, mainly when they would say anything to anyone – if they would say anything to anyone. Peeta argued that they should tell her parents right away for they were an invaluable support system to them, Katniss agreed with this but still wanted to wait – he couldn't make her tell anyone, so he kept his mouth shut, trying to act normal around everyone as they went around their day to day lives.

 

Once she reached 15 weeks she decided she wanted to tell their parents, and Peeta couldn't help but smile. If it were up to him, he'd burst right on in to their houses and yell it at them, or sing it from the rooftops – but Katniss wanted to keep it very quiet still. The less people to know, the less who would hurt in the long run she thought. But she wanted to tell them creatively this time, so after much thought she decided to give them oranges – the size the baby currently was, and she attached labels saying 'You'll feel bad eating me knowing your grandchild is the same size as me!' She wasn't sure if this was far too cheesy, but Peeta told her it was cute so they went with it. So that night they took dinner to her parents' house and put an orange in the desert bag – Katniss shook her leg the whole time they sat at the dinner table, she found it nerve wracking knowing their announcement was sitting in the kitchen. Peeta held his hand on her knee for most of the dinner, but it didn't help.

 

Mrs Everdeen could tell something was up when the couple came over with dinner. She suspected it after they'd been in not five minutes, but she didn't say anything, she knew Katniss would tell them in her own time. She took the dessert bag to the dining table, Katniss stiffened and Peeta widened his smile. She took out the box of dessert from the bag and placed it on the table, then her eye caught something else. She pulled out the orange and held out the note attached, reading it, smiling, "What's that?" her husband asked, she thrust it into his hands and went and pulled her daughter up into a tight embrace.

 

"Congratulations, son" Mr Everdeen said to Peeta, shaking his hand and giving a firm pat on the back before he went to comfort a now crying Katniss. Peeta soon produced the latest ultrasound pictures from his pocket for them, and there was a lot of gushing about the little baby. Katniss was adamant that she wasn't showing and that it wasn't obvious, but her mother differed, saying that she was glowing, to which Katniss scowled, for she didn't see this glow that now her mother, in addition to Peeta, saw.

 

The following day they went to the Mellark bakery to see his parents. Peeta popped the orange in a bag with a couple of others, going around on the pretence that they had bought far too many and thought his father could make a cake with them. So they went in and Katniss stood choosing out some pastries while Peeta went through into the kitchen, "Hey dad, here's the oranges, there might be too many, just take what you want." He didn't wait long before going back out to the store front and lingering with Katniss. Mr Mellark finished up the dough he was kneading and poured the oranges out onto the counter, his eye immediately caught the one labelled and he picked it up curiously. He felt his eyes well a little as he took in the meaning of the note, and he went on through to the store where he knew they'd be waiting. "Congratulations" he proclaimed joyously pulling them both into a hug before giving Katniss a kiss on the cheek and slapping Peeta on the back, "Feeling ok so far?" he asked, Katniss nodded, "Just nervous." He gave her a sympathetic smile. Peeta brought the mood back up when he pulled out the ultrasound pictures which his father gushed over.

 

Katniss called Prim, who lived a few hours away, studying for her final year of medical school. Prim had been so excited, and Peeta could hear her screaming and crying down the phone. He and Katniss both had a good laugh at this, and it was nice to be much more relaxed.

 

It felt like a small weight had been lifted once their close families knew; the doctor had put emphasis on a good support network, no matter what the outcome of the pregnancy. And she reiterated that there was nothing indicating that anything would go wrong right now.

 

Katniss began showing when she was almost 17 weeks along, the sight of a bump made her mind numb and her hands shake with nerves, so she tried to look at Peeta instead and watch him marvel over it. It only helped a little, but it kept the stress level down. So far of their friends it was still only Annie who knew. They'd tried to keep away so it wouldn't be guessed, because unfortunately all of her female friends were very attune to noticing things, pregnancy could barely come into their line of vision unnoticed. So once she started showing, and at 19 weeks when it got difficult to hide, her and Peeta took a week long break to go and see Prim. It was about 3 hours driving, but Katniss had made up her mind that it was worth it to keep it protected for that little bit longer. Prim was ecstatic that they were coming to see her and she spent every minute that she wasn't in class showing them around the city and spending time with her sister. Prim had very much missed Katniss since she went off to college at 18, but she kind of missed the old Katniss more, Katniss from before all the troubles, she didn't share this though, but Peeta could tell.

 

Once they got back home after their break it was like a clear slate, and a refreshed air had joined them, so at 20 weeks, halfway through their journey, she felt ready to share with her friends. They had arranged a coffee morning for just the girls, and as she left the house, she felt a thrill of excitement run through her. It was end of April now and the weather was much warmer, so she had put on a sundress which easily gave away the secret. She gulped before going into the coffee shop and sat down at a free table waiting for her friends.

 

There were shocked faces and smiles and laughter, and maybe a few (or several) tears amongst the reactions. Annie of course had known already, but the others were amazed she'd kept it a secret so far. Delly squealed for a very long time, Katniss was sure there were words in there somewhere, but it was all a high pitched excited noise to her. She swallowed thickly, not wanting anyone to be too excited, for she'd been at this point before. She loosened up a little as they chatted and relaxed, and soon found herself laughing along with the rest of the group, it felt nice, good even, and she felt so normal. They parted ways as the coffee shop closed, and Johanna dropped Katniss off at home. As she walked up the street towards there house, she stopped for a moment and placed her hands across her growing stomach – she had felt the first proper kick. Pride swirled through her, and she quickly walked to the house, calling for Peeta once she was inside. He rushed to her, worrying something was wrong, but she grabbed his hands and put them on her stomach. He couldn't feel anything for a while and went to pull away, "Just wait" she said, and he smiled and knelt down. "Hello? Hello little one?" his said quietly, "I know you're quite small and it takes a lot of energy to kick or push, but could you do it again, just once?" his face got closer and closer to her stomach as he spoke, and eventually he felt a tiny bump against his hand. His face lit up and he wanted to cry tears of joy, "Thank you" he whispered, then kissed the spot where he felt the movement. He stood up and pulled Katniss to him, kissing her passionately and deeply over and over again. She let him do it, and she let herself do it.

 

Katniss told Peeta every time the baby kicked or moved, she liked keeping him up to date, and keeping him knowing that the baby was still alive. Peeta never got tired of the constant phone calls or texts when he was at work, they made his day better. He couldn't wait to start paternity leave, he was able to take 8 weeks from work before he would have to go back. He wished for more, but he'd need to keep working to provide for his family – well he didn't need to, but he liked to, he liked to know that it was him putting the food on the table. His grandparents had left him and each of his brothers substantial accounts which they had been able to access from when they were 21, so far Peeta hadn't used much of it, just the down payment for their house and for things when he'd taken time off to stay with Katniss, and there was still plenty left. They were keeping the rest of it for an emergency, or for their children – child.

 

At their next doctor's appointment, everything was going fine with the baby – Katniss gave a small smile and nod followed by a tiny rub of her stomach while Peeta grinned at her and kissed her forehead. The doctor suggested starting thinking of a birth plan, what sort of birth they would want, do some research, "it's a little earlier than we'd normally suggest, but I think it could be very beneficial for you, throw some ideas around, we can even arrange a tour of the maternity department at the hospital. With some mothers it can help put their minds at ease." She told them, but Katniss zoned her out. The doctor gave a sympathetic smile to them both, and Peeta returned an apologetic one. He wished Katniss would just treat this pregnancy better, she couldn't always think of the negatives. "Yes," he replied, "that would be good." She gave him a few print outs with the right details and Katniss just glared off into space. She was very distracted as they left, not speaking to Peeta, but nuzzling her face into his shoulder and neck as they walked together. "What's wrong?" he said to her, stopping her getting into the car, she looked up, seemingly shocked that he'd asked, she sighed, "I'm not making a birth plan" he looked at her for more, surely that's not all it was? "I'm not making one because I don't want to have to throw it away when it can't be fulfilled." Now he understood, he gripped her lightly by the shoulders, "For right now, forget all about that, just think of this baby, and this pregnancy. This little one needs to know that mommy and daddy love them, can't wait to meet them and have big hopes for them soon." He looked directly into her eyes and was met with fear and … realisation. "I'm so scared" she whispered leaning into him, "I know you're right – you usually are." They both smiled at this, "But I can't help but be scared, this world isn't safe." They got into the car quietly but just sat, "I read online and saw on some programmes that babies can live if they're born as early as 24 weeks, I just need to get to that point. I'm not thinking beyond. Not right now." That was still almost a month away, but Peeta felt like it would be an easy month, it's not that long at all, he picked up her hands in his and kissed them, "Ok" was all he said, they just got each other. There wasn't any way of explaining it, but he was happy to let Katniss go on that train of thought by herself, she wouldn't budge her opinion, and if she was looking to 24 weeks and 24 weeks alone, there was no point in trying to divert her sights.

 

When Peeta was at work she split her time between being alone and keeping her father company at his store. She helped out if she was needed, but she was quite happy just sitting somewhere different. She did spend time with her friends, which both she and them enjoyed, but she was always too cautious. She was just afraid, permanently. And her friends always wanted to talk about the baby, or their children, or things for the baby, or how she was feeling – it was fine for five minutes, but it grew frustrating much sooner rather than later. Johanna was easy to hang out with though, having no children nor plans for them, so they often walked in the woods, not straying too far – Katniss was adamant that they were close to either Gale's house or the edges of town, just in case she had reiterated to Johanna, who rolled her eyes in return, knowing it wouldn't be necessary.

 

24 weeks really crept up on them, and relief poured over them when at their appointment the doctor confirmed everything was looking great. Katniss let herself smile properly for the first time in a very long time, and Peeta relaxed at seeing a happy Katniss once again. Her belly was wonderfully rounded and Peeta thought she hadn't ever looked so beautiful, she of course pushed his compliments aside with her scowl, and Peeta just chuckled at her, pulling her close and telling her his love at every opportunity he could – even when it meant he was getting little sleep. It was the end of May and although the weather was no warmer than usual for the time of year, nights were always the worst. He woke several nights in a row to find her sitting in a thin nightshirt next to the wide open window, fanning herself with a magazine, "It's too hot Peeta" she would complain, "Can you get the thermometer, it's on the top shelf, I didn't want to reach, but I have to check my temperature, I can't get too hot …" she warbled on about temperatures, and Peeta wanted to listen to her every word, but one glance at the clock telling him it was 2am made him groan, "Come back to bed sweetheart, you're not too warm, it's just your body making you think you are, you'll be exhausted if you don't sleep." He usually drifted in and out of a light sleep while she debated with herself about what to do, and it would end soon with her climbing back into bed and lying on her side facing Peeta. She wished she could lie right tucked in to his side, unfortunately there was a little someone in the way, but Katniss tried to think ahead to when the baby would be in a bassinet by their bed and she could snuggle right in to Peeta's side – those thoughts usually drifted her off to sleep again. And when it wasn't feeling too warm keeping her awake, it was the baby having fun kicking her. It was like the baby could sense when she relaxed and thought she needed something to do – at first it was good, it was a reassurance, but when she couldn't sleep for countless nights in a row, she was exhausted. Trying to nap during the day didn't help either. What did help at night was Peeta – when he saw the discomfort Katniss was in he would kiss her on the cheek and move down the bed to face her bump, he whispered to it, and gently rubbed his hands over the surface, and it immediately calmed the baby. Unfortunately that meant Peeta had to keep at it for at least an hour until Katniss was in a deep enough sleep so that the baby wouldn't wake her. Katniss felt bad, but he didn't mind, he loved it.

 

Prim came back home for a two week visit in the summer, and she gawked as soon as she saw Katniss' round 28 week belly. "What?" Katniss huffed at her, crossing her arms awkwardly across her body, Prim smiled, "Nothing, it's just … wow" she said to Katniss, who rolled her eyes. Prim was seeing something that Katniss most definitely wasn't among all the pains that were happening over her body, it didn't help that her sleep pattern – or lack of sleep pattern – was all over the place. Sometimes she couldn't sleep until the early hours of the morning, and she'd wake by 7, not able to get back to sleep, other times she'd be asleep by 7 in the evening, but that meant waking up at 2 or 3 in the morning and being fully alert. This just made Katniss particularly irritable, which Peeta had no qualms about, he continue doting on her no matter how many scowls were thrown his way. "Would you please stop doing that so hard?" Katniss asked down to her belly, Prim looked up from her plate at the café they were sitting in "What?", Katniss sighed, "Not you," then she pointed at her belly, "Someone thinks my organs are playtoys." "Aw, that's cute!" Prim exclaimed, leaning over and running her hand over Katniss' stomach, trying to find movement. Katniss moved Prims hand to the right spot, and Prim smiled wider when she felt the baby. Katniss was very reserved when it came to letting people touch her, and her friends had learned to ask or be a little hesitant first. "Have you done anything for the nursery yet?" Prim asked, Katniss shook her head, "No, not for a while yet, I know Peeta wants to, but … I'm not letting him" Katniss kept her focus on the empty plate in front of her and her hands gripped then loosened around her glass of water, Prim smiled weakly, "And I'll be here for the shower obviously, I'm not missing that!" Katniss kept her head down, "I don't want one," she said, "It's not necessary, and it's a risk" "Of what?" Prim questioned, Katniss was keeping too much to herself, she did know this deep down, but she wasn't ready to admit it to herself, or anyone else, yet. "It's a sign I'm too comfortable, that's when things happen, I'm not getting comfortable for … for" she started choking on her words a little, "for something to happen again." Prim was by her side in and instant, holding Katniss' hands in one of hers, the belly in her second, and Katniss' head resting against Prims shoulder. And she sobbed. She hadn't been letting out enough emotions, not in the right way anyway – she put out most as anger and irritation, but sometimes something just needed to be let go and flow out. Prim didn't say anything, she just comforted Katniss. "Sorry," Katniss apologised 5 or 10 minutes later while wiping her eyes, "I think I just needed to get that out." "Yes" Prim said, sitting back in her seat, "You need to open up more, don't think I don't know what's been going on just because I've not been here, I can handle it, I can keep a secret if you want one to be kept-", but Katniss cut her off "You're too young Prim, too you-", "I'm no younger than you were." Katniss stops, she sometimes forgets that Prim is 4 years younger than her, she forgets that she ages too, she was sure last time she checked that Prim was just a little girl, always her 'Little duck'. "Sorry," Katniss apologises, biting on her lips, "I forget that you grow up too, I'll try harder, I'll tell you more." Katniss looked up to Prim with a hopeful expression, and they both stood and hugged as best they could before leaving the café.

 

Peeta was craftier than Katniss had thought. She came home one afternoon about a week later and couldn't find Peeta anywhere in the house. She knew he was in, his car was in the driveway and his shoes and keys were in the hallway by the door, but she couldn't hear him, "Peeta?" she called out loudly, first around the ground floor, then up the stairwell. She started heading up the stairs, calling his name again when she heard a bang from the end of the upstairs landing. She clutched the bannister of the stairs, frozen and eyes wide, if that wasn't Peeta then someone was robbing them. She was in no position to run or move quickly – at almost 29 weeks she was exhausted doing everyday tasks and found herself out of breath most of the time. And if the person caught her off guard she could easily fall backwards down the stairs. She willed her feet to take her up the remaining 5 steps and she moved away from the stairs completely, but not too closely to the noise. Suddenly the door to their second bedroom was flung open – it was Peeta. She gasped in relief and leaned on the wall, so glad it was him, "I thought it was a burglar! I called for you and you didn't reply!" His face reddened, his hands clasped tightly behind his back. He didn't move closer to Katniss, he remained at the door he'd come out of. Katniss grew suspicious, "Peeta, what are you doing? What's going on in there?" He couldn't look at her, and his face showed his nerves, "Uhm … I didn't think you'd be home so soon, I, err, wanted to wait for you to be ready … but I couldn't help it, I've been thinking about it for weeks. I can stop if you want, I can redo it all, but-" he stopped speaking and pushed open the door, holding his paint covered hand out to guide her inside.

 

She stopped when she took it all in, and Peeta held his breath, unsure of the reaction he would get from her. The walls were cream, and there were no other additions to the wall with the windows or the one opposite, but the wall furthest from the door had a beautiful woodland scene painted almost floating in the middle – it was filled with the most vibrant of colours and the freshest of greens. Katniss walked right up to it and took in every element, being careful not to touch it – she could easily see a crib placed beneath it, or maybe a rocking chair. She turned to speak to Peeta, but her words were stemmed before they could leave her mouth. On the wall opposite Peeta had painted two white doves flying alongside each other. Peeta watched her with anticipation, ready to leap to her aid should she need it – he hadn't asked if she'd want this and he knew it was still a sore topic, it was for them both, but he knew well that he dealt with it much better than Katniss had. She walked up to the wall slowly and took in the two birds, and finally noticed that along the tops of each of their wings two dates were written, the dates of their sons' births. The tears fell before she could even think and she turned, finding Peeta right behind her. They wrapped their arms around each other, "I'm sorry, it's too much-" Peeta started, but Katniss kissed him stopping his words, "It's perfect, it's all perfect." In that moment it felt like time had stopped as they shared this intimate moment, they both felt a change that they couldn't describe, but it seemed to push them in the right direction.

 

Katniss let him finish the room off, although there wasn't much left to do with the painting. When he was done he arranged for a new soft cream carpet to be put in, then hung new curtains up at the window. The room was still empty though. Furniture was too big of a step – even though at 29, almost 30 weeks she knew that this was when the bigger preparations took place. Peeta knew where to stop with Katniss, "All done" he said when he was completely finished minus any furniture, "All we need now is a little someone to live there!" he said, talking down at face height with the baby, and Katniss couldn't help but smile at him and his wonderfully positive outlook on all of life. Optimism was always his thing, and Katniss was usually the complete opposite, but being laden with the weight of her quickly growing baby she sometimes found her mind thinking otherwise, and a few times she thought of them sitting holding their baby together. But as quickly as these thoughts formed she shoved them from her mind, getting ahead of herself was not an option.

 

She wasn't very happy the day of their next appointment, it just wasn't her day. Peeta tried his best, but nothing could change her mood. The doctor went through all of the usual checks and questions before performing an ultrasound – "Everything looks good, baby is a healthy size and has a strong heartbeat." Peeta's smile radiated around the room, while Katniss' barely stayed on her face for longer than a few seconds. While Katniss wiped her belly of the ultrasound gel and got dressed again the doctor asked about any thoughts on their birth plan. Peeta was embarrassed that they hadn't done anything about it – he had searched their options at the hospitals website, but Katniss had been particularly stubborn on this matter and it was better for him to stem his interest so she wouldn't panic. Katniss seemed to have not heard the doctor asking, or selectively chose not to hear. The doctor waited a few moments for an answer, Peeta spoke up first, "Not too much, but we know we need to think about that soon, right Katniss?" she just ignored him, and he felt his stomach knot. "We'll probably go and have a look around the hospital, maybe get a feel for it." The doctor nodded, and Katniss still seemed oblivious to the conversation as she put her shoes on. The doctor followed them out and filed their notes at the desk while they made their next appointment, before any of them moved from the area, Katniss finally spoke up "Maybe a water birth" she said shrugging, she left both Peeta and the doctor a little stumped, and they both nodded before saying goodbye. "You can do whatever you like," Peeta said on the way to the car, "I'll always support you."

 

A few days later they were able to look around the maternity wards at the hospital. Peeta loved it, it made him so giddy and excited, he couldn't wait until they were here to have their baby, they would be like the couples who were there at that moment – happy, families. Katniss on the other hand just felt fear and a huge mixture of emotions, she was, in some parts, looking forward to having their baby, but being in a hospital just reminded her of so many bad memories – but they took it slow, and paused when she needed a moment and moved on when she didn't want to see something. She still liked the idea of a water birth, she wasn't sure why, but she liked swimming, it made her reminisce of her childhood when her dad had taught her to swim in the summer in a beautiful lake, these thoughts calmed her, and she hoped they would help when she would be giving birth. Walking around the hospital, holding one hand in Peeta's and the other on her belly and active baby, gave her somewhat a sense of reassurance, she had Peeta and could feel their unborn child still alive – it all became so much more real. After they left Katniss started on a proper birth plan, she searched online to see what she might need to include and she was relieved to find several online forums where there were people just as terrified as she was. She wasn't at a point where she could join and share her story, but there was a feel of alliance when she read what other people had to say. And she got lots of tips for things she should put in the plan and what she should say to the hospital – although it made her feel somewhat selfish and … greedy? The birth of their child was revolved around her so things should be comfortable for her and the hospital should try and accommodate things that they needed. The first thing she wanted set in stone was as little drugs or medications as possible – she didn't want to be out of it when she gave birth, she wanted to be able to see their child clearly as soon as it had left the habitat of her womb, she needed to see life.

 

Annie managed to drag Katniss out shopping one day to a department store which had the largest selection of baby related items Katniss had ever seen, "I know you don't want a shower, but you'll need to get things at some point, we can just see the options and I can show you what we used, ok?" Katniss sighed and agreed, she couldn't be bothered putting up an argument, it just used air that her lungs were struggling to hold. Although it was common to feel much more breathless as the baby took up more room, she didn't like it, it felt constricting. What Katniss didn't know was that Peeta had given Annie a small list of things to look out for, mainly furniture for the nursery and she was to report back to him on what Katniss thought of things – his plan was to sort everything out that they needed so she wouldn't have anything to worry about. They started at what Annie referred to as the 'fun' things, although Katniss didn't think anything about buying things for their baby as fun, she found it hard to put her feelings into words, and she knew her friends really did try to be understanding, but there was an aspect which they just didn't quite get. So they started at the clothes, "Oh Katniss look at this, isn't it adorable?" Annie said for what could easily have been the fiftieth time as she held up a tiny white sleep suit with little trees embroidered on it, Katniss looked over from the shelf she was skimming through, she nodded a yeah, it was actually quite cute … and it would please Peeta, "It's not … "she hesitated after starting, "not too early to buy anything?" Annie kept a hold of the item and came to Katniss, "Of course not! This little one will need something to wear, they could easily come early, I know that won't be a while yet, but preparation is key – we had nothing ready when our little monster decided he'd like to be here 2 weeks early! Finnick almost lost his head rushing around trying to sort things while asking me to just wait to push!" Katniss smiled a little at the thought, "I think Peeta would like it" she said after a while, Annie nodded enthusiastically and they continued around the shop. They got towards the cribs and bassinets when Katniss stopped behind Annie and put her hands on her belly as she felt a tightening, "Annie?" she said, her voice going up an octave as fear swirled in her blood, Annie was by her side in an instant and put her hand on Katniss' belly, "Braxton Hicks?" she asked Katniss, who couldn't see past her terror that something bad was happening. "I-I don't know … I haven't felt anything like that before, not … not this time" she said, her mind immediately going back to contractions, "I think so, it wasn't like … like before, not that sore, more uncomfortable." She swallowed thickly, "Sounds like it," Annie said, "Hey, it's ok" she rubbed Katniss' arm soothingly while Katniss looked like she was about to burst into tears, "We'll get this then go and have something to eat and you can relax" Katniss just nodded as they headed towards the cashier and paid for the tiny item of clothing.

 

As they sat in a nearby café Katniss didn't take her hands off her belly, "Just watch out for anymore today, if they're regular go and see your doctor, ok?" Annie said to her, Katniss knew she was being babied, but sometimes it had to be done – other times she needed someone to be tough to get through that shell that she had acquired.

 

Thankfully nothing came of the one contraction, and not long after she began to feel the regular movements of the baby turning around and knocking against her with a knee or an elbow. "So you're just waiting to find out the sex then?" Annie asked as they strolled around another baby shop, "Yeah, I'd rather not know, I can't explain it, but I just don't want to know right now. Peeta does, I can tell, but … I just can't." Their conversation was easy as they went around the rest of the isles of the shop, with Annie pointing out the things that she used, and what she knew that Delly and Madge had both used, she took note of Katniss' reactions to tell Peeta later, and eventually it did seem like Katniss was enjoying herself. They were getting ready to leave when Annie stopped, "I'm buying you this" she stated to Katniss who was ahead of her, Katniss looked around as Annie held up a large blanket with an almost identical pattern to the sleep suit, in addition to the trees were embroidered rabbits, "It would go perfectly with that beautiful mural Peeta did", Katniss found herself nodding – Peeta had been so overjoyed and overwhelmed by Katniss' reaction to it that he sent pictures to their friends, he must have asked them for their opinions before he'd gone for it on the wall itself. Katniss wanted to protest at being bought a gift, but before she knew it Annie was handing over the money at the pay point, "Don't even say it!" Annie said as Katniss approached, "It's a gift, just accept it – no buts! You're refusing the shower so you'll have to get used to being given gifts at all other times! People will still buy things for you and the baby!" Katniss mumbled and grumbled but Annie was being stubborn on this one.

 

Annie drove her home and came inside to see Peeta – Katniss could drive perfectly well herself, but she refused to with the baby, it was another risk, there could easily be an accident, and it would be even more her fault if something happened. Peeta was already there when they got back and he greeted Katniss and the baby with kisses and Annie with a hug, she whispered to him that they would talk later. "I got something for you" Katniss said with a hint of pride when they sat down in the kitchen, "Well it's not really for you, but it … kind of it, I don't know, just -here" she said, pushing the bag with the clothing in it towards him. He was shocked, he had guessed before looking that it would be something for the baby, but that Katniss had optionally bought something made him feel so joyous, it was a huge step for her, he hoped it would loosen her up more as she got more comfortable. He took the bag and pulled out the soft cotton baby suit, it was so … actually he couldn't determine the size. It looked like it could be small, but he couldn't help but think it was huge in comparison to the memories of their second son which had arisen in his mind, they knew first-hand what a small baby looked like. "It's so perfect" he said, tears beginning to cloud his vision, he got up and pulled Katniss tightly to him, "I'm so proud of you" he whispered into her hair. He wiped his eyes before pulling away, Annie was beaming at them, so happy to see them experience some joy, "I'll head off now," she said, feeling like she was intruding in an intimate moment, "I'll leave this here and see you both later." She kissed them both on the cheek and headed off, closing the front door behind her. Peeta pulled out the blanket that Annie had gotten, "They're perfect, little Mellark will love these" he said, before pulling Katniss into him to kiss her, and he felt so normal for the first time in a long time – they felt so normal. They held each other in their arms for a long while, soon enough Katniss started humming and Peeta melted as he heard the soft tones he had missed for so so long. "I had a Braxton hick contraction at the store" Katniss said once she finished her tune, his face fell, "Oh" he said, a little in shock, "No," Katniss smiled a little up at him, "It was fine, well, it was terrifying, but it was … alright. It wasn't sore like the real ones, but the discomfort was almost similar" she told him, he kissed her forehead comfortingly "Well you're ok now, we're all ok now" he reiterated, pressing his hand on her belly and is if on cue, he received a little push from the baby, they smiled between themselves and their bubble was filled with glee for once.

 

Katniss pulled out her very tattered copy of her pregnancy book and flipped to the '32 weeks' section – trying to figure out if this was normal. Her breasts had started to leak, and she knew it could happen but it was better to check. "Ok" she calmed herself when it was perfectly normal, just a sign that her body was preparing to produce milk for the baby – that thought made it seem like they were so close to the end, but 8 weeks, maybe more, was still quite a long time away. And it made her think just how quickly the first 32 weeks had gone. A part of her wished that she could have enjoyed it more, but that wasn't a possibility, too much had gone on to allow that. But she cherished the baby so much more than she thought she had done before, feeling the movements everyday kept her relaxed and reminded her to be thankful of what they have right now. Katniss moved over to the windows and slowly brought them up, hoping that a breeze would drift through the house – it was a boiling July, and the heat did not provide any comfort whatsoever. She was wearing her pyjama shorts and an old loose t-shirt of Peeta's, well it was a little loose on him, not so much her right now. She lowered herself to the sofa and tried to fan herself with a few magazines with no prevail. She groaned and threw her head back on the cushion, barely having time to get comfortable before there was a knock on the door, it was typical. She sighed, "Who is it?" she called out, if it was a stranger or a burglar they would have easily climbed in the wide open windows, and so far no one had entered. "It's Dad" she heard her father call, "You probably shouldn't leave the windows open like that sweetheart" he shouted nervously, "Hot and uncomfortable!" she moaned, "I'll get up in a minute." She closed her eyes for a few moments letting her tired body rest, how in the world would she do this, in this heat, for at least 8 more weeks?! It was closer to ten minutes when she eventually pushed off the sofa and opened the front door, revealing her father sitting on the step, "It's a lovely day" he says, getting up to hug her, she scowled at him, "Easy for you to say" she mumbled and walked back into the house, heading to the kitchen to get a drink. Her father closed the door and followed her, he sat down leisurely at the table while Katniss drank down a glass of water before refilling it, "Spoken to Prim recently?" he asked her, "I've no idea, I can barely remember what I did this morning let alone any time recently", her father gave her a smile that told her to relax, "Your mother thinks she's working too hard, but she's probably just off with friends, enjoying some of her free time" Katniss scoffed at this, "Men more likely!" Her fathers face reddened, he'd obviously been afraid of that, but in her mid twenties it shouldn't surprise him, "Not everyone's like me and Peeta" Katniss told him, "Some people like to … get around a bit" she realised who she was talking to, "Sorry" her face reddened, "She'll just be with friends, or working" Katniss tried to rectify with her father, "No, no, I should expect it, I mean you and Peeta were off doing your own thing when you were her age" the air seemed to still as he realised what he had said and it took Katniss a moment to catch up – when she was Prims age she had just lost their second baby. She swallowed a lump, "Sweetheart," her father started with a pained expression, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" Katniss shook her head, rubbing her hands over her belly, "It's fine, right now we have this one to concentrate on" she told him. Her father was almost shocked, but also proud, of her reaction, he'd never known her to be so calm at any mention of their children, not ever. Not even when something had slipped from Primrose and Katniss hadn't spoken to her for almost a week. His girl was growing up. After he left in the early evening, Katniss began to feel … different, more confused – guilty? She put on a brave face for her father, and she almost felt that it was real, she played along with it for a few hours and just wished it could be a lifetime. It worried her though and she played with her fingers, then the hem of her shirt, and finally her hair until Peeta came home.

 

Peeta walked home excited to see Katniss after a long day, he noticed the open windows and looked through, but couldn't see her. It sent a quick stream of adrenaline through him, had someone broken in? His pace quickened as he walked from the street up to their front door and he let himself in. It was completely silent, "Katniss?" he called, no answer. His veins were full of adrenaline now, the memories of all those years ago, coming home, finding her bleeding and in pain on the kitchen floor, they became too fresh. He dumped his things down on the floor, and checked the living room, no sign of her. Relief flooded him when he saw her sitting at the dining table, her posture was tight and closed, her hands gripped one another and she wore a blank expression, "Oh darling, I was worried there for a moment" he said, going up to her, but he didn't get any response, "Katniss?" he said, standing right in front of her, "Katniss?" he repeated, crouching to her level, grazing his hand across her forehead trying to detect a temperature, that snapped her eyes up to his, and she recoiled a little, quickly glancing around a few times before looking back to him, "Sorry" she said, moving to stand up, but he pushed her gently back into the seat, "sorry, I was … just" he pulled out a chair and sat directly opposite her, dragging her on her chair between his legs, her bump fitting perfectly in the space between them, she still couldn't find her words, and the glancing continued except she looked upwards more often than not, "Lost?" Peeta tries to finish for her, she quickly shakes her head and he can see a slight confusion spread over her face and through her eyes before she drops them and lets go a few disheartened nods. "I was doing so much better, you have to know that" she said, he pulled her face up and kissed her, "I do know that, trust me I do, it's ok to not be better all the time, it's a process, like a learning curve." She accepted what he said and shut her eyes before resting her head against his body, "I'm tired" she said quietly into his chest, he gripped her firmly and helped her stand up, carefully walking her through the house and up to their bedroom before tucking her into their bed where she was out as soon as her head hit the pillow.

 

She was embarrassed the next morning when they got up, and she gave muffled apologies into his neck where her head had been nestled. It was a routine. It had become something they dealt with together, and they were getting good at it, however they knew things would change once the baby arrived. They both secretly hoped it would shine over everything that had happened, but it was definitely a long shot.

 

That same week Peeta dragged Katniss along to birthing classes which she had been most reluctant to sign up for. But he eventually got her there, and it seemed like a whole different environment – they had never been in a room with so many pregnant couples. And they all just seemed to be able to walk up to each other and strike up conversations despite having never spoken before, and they actually seemed to get along. Not Katniss. She saw this as a frightening experience, she didn't know anyone which made her want to crawl into a shell, she couldn't just walk up to someone and start talking – most of the talking was likely to be about the pregnancies and the babies, but she just didn't think she'd be able to handle something like that. It wasn't her. Peeta on the other hand thought it was wonderful to speak to some of the other fathers while Katniss hung close to his side. He never shared too much, just the right amount, how far along they were, nursery ideas, and he spoke about all the different pastries and baked items he'd made to satisfy Katniss' cravings, which only made everyone drool over the sound of them. When the instructor was telling them things Katniss tried to listen for Peeta's sake, but she found her ears just passing the information through them and not much sticking in, she already felt she knew about giving birth, what more was there to know? There couldn't be anything worse that what she'd already done before. The session seemed to be more of an introduction for the future classes and before she knew it, it was over, and the instructor was reminding them when the next class was and if they had any questions or worries they could go up and speak to her. Peeta thought they really should, maybe get some reassurance, surely there were other couples in their situation? Katniss however sat on the other side of the fence on that one, the less she shared, the better. They were one of the last couples to leave, and the woman caught Peeta's eye as he helped Katniss from her chair, "Any questions?" she asked, heading towards them, Peeta glimpsed at Katniss who had her face morphed into a scowl and she gave a hard shake of her head, "Not this week, maybe next time though" Peeta said kindly to the woman. "That was alright," Peeta said as they headed home, "it was quite informative." Katniss just gave a 'Mmhmm' Peeta sighed, becoming tired of her constantly stuck in the past, he knew she was finding it hard, but sometimes it just seemed like she wasn't even trying, "You might find you have a lot of questions if you actually thought about it or looked over some of the reading, if you don't know something I know you'll be terrified when the time comes, I know you Katniss." She felt ashamed again for needing his firm words, she nodded, "Maybe later, at home" she said shakily. Peeta left a moments silence before asking his next question, "I was thinking, maybe … I could see you were uncomfortable there, I get it, it's not your thing, maybe we could do individual sessions with her, we could explain what's happened, and she could give us a more personalised time – it says they can do that under special circumstances, and I still think it's important that we both get informed about everything." Katniss thought this over, it wasn't actually a bad idea, that way she wouldn't need to meet anyone else and she could go at her own pace, and she surprised Peeta by saying "Yes, ok" in response as they got closer to home.

 

Katniss became more and more familiar with Braxton Hicks contractions over her 32nd and 33rd weeks – she had them usually 2 or 3 times a day, and sometimes 5 or 6. She checked online and in the books and with her mother, but she just came to the conclusion that every woman is different, so what is 'normal' for one, could be the complete opposite for another. They were having a long lie one weekend – well Peeta was having extra sleep, Katniss was lying next to him in bed. She hadn't felt anything yet that day, not the usual contraction that woke her, nor any of the movements which usually appeared afterwards, and she'd been awake for a good few hours now. She was propped up against the headboard, her pyjama top pushed up over her bump and she was softly passing her hands over the expanse of skin, every inch she could see, hoping it might entice a movement or anything! By the time it was 10AM and she'd been up for 4 hours, she felt like something wasn't right, "Peeta?" she said quietly, enough to hear, but probably not loud enough to wake him. She shuffled on the bed a little, shaking the mattress as she moved, thinking it might wake him, but no joy. "Peeta?" she said louder, then she shook his shoulder a little and could tell he was coming around a little, "Mmm, hi" he said sleepily, "I want to go to the doctors … please" she could hear the panic and pleading in her voice even though she was trying to keep calm and not alarm him, but it didn't work and he sat bolt upright immediately, "What?" he said, looking deep into her eyes and feeling her stomach, "I haven't felt anything since dinner last night" she told him, he got out of bed quickly and threw on pair of jeans then helped her up, tossing her some sweatpants and shirt then pulling on a sweater. He held a firm grip around her, as if to hold her up, as he helped her down the stairs and into the car.

 

They sat in silence on the drive to their doctors office, who were luckily open 7 days a week 9-5, and provided emergency appointments at any time. They got there and Katniss explained her worries and as soon as the receptionist had looked up the correct file, took them to an examination room. A doctor, not their own to Katniss' disappointment, was with them very swiftly, "What can I do for you today?" he asked, sitting on the edge of the exam bed that Katniss was lying on, "I think something's wrong," Katniss swallowed thickly, "I always have a Braxton hick contraction in the morning, always, for the past 2 weeks, but I didn't today, and there's always movements every couple of hours, I haven't felt anything since 6 or 7 last night." She held in the tears and clung to Peeta's hand with a death grip. "Ok, I'll just have a feel" the doctor said, and she pulled up her shirt. He pressed gently around her belly trying to find the baby's position before picking up a heart-rate monitor from the unit at the side of the room. He applied a little gel to the doppler before moving it around in the area which he had determined as where the heart would roughly be. It was a tense moment for Katniss and Peeta, and to them both it felt like time had stopped completely, but it suddenly sped up once the familiar sound could be heard filling the room. They both let out huge sighs of relief, Peeta hugged Katniss awkwardly as she still lay on the bed, and she let a few tears slip from her eyes. "Is it ok to stop?" the doctor asked, they both nodded, happy with the reassurance that everything was ok. The doctor asked some more questions, and focussed on her Braxton hicks contractions, "I've had them for 2, maybe almost 3 weeks now" Katniss told him, "There's always one in the mornings, it's not painful, but it's enough to wake me, then usually in the evenings, though sometimes there'll be 5 or 6 a day, they're not regular though and they really don't last very long." The doctor made a few notes, "Are they always giving the same feeling, the same discomfort, or do any feel particularly different?" he asked, "No they're always the same" she replied and he finished writing. "Can I just check inside?" he asked, and Katniss nodded, standing to remove her bottom half of clothing and Peeta draped the sheet over her legs once they were propped up. It surprised her that she was completely comfortable with this unknown doctor examining her, she didn't even know his name! She felt the slight pressure of his fingers on her and she closed her eyes trying to relax a little more, "So you're 33 weeks and 5 days?" he asked, Peeta replied with a yes, "Right, well you're two centimetres dilated" he told them removing his hand, Katniss' eyes flew open, "What?" she exclaimed quite loudly and with a hint of panic, Peeta's eyes were wide and his mouth open, but no sound came out. "Yep, two centimetres, it's not uncommon to start dilating, some women go a few centimetres then stop until closer to the time, but I understand it will concern you with your past history" the doctor reassures her, "You have an appointment on-" he checks her computer record, "next Monday, so that's 9 days …" he thinks for a moment, "What I'll do is book you in for another check this Wednesday as well, keep an eye on the dilation." They both nod at his suggestion and he gives them an appointment card, and Katniss put her clothes back on, "Just keep a track on the contractions and movements and if there's anything you're not sure about, don't hesitate to call or come on in." Peeta shakes the doctors hand firmly and thanks him before they leave. Katniss was very quiet after they left and made their way home, "Please sweetheart," Peeta said once they were sitting in their room again, "talk to me, keep open." She sighed and leaned into him, her hands on the bump, "I'm just trying to relax, I'm going to lie down, please talk to the baby, please make something happen." Peeta thought she might cry so he gently lay her down on the bed and she got comfortable, and then he lay next to her with his head at her stomach. He listened for her breathing pattern to slow into a steady rhythm, and he draped his hands over their baby and began to whisper close to her skin, "Hey in there little Mellark, we know you're ok, we heard your heartbeat earlier today, but your mommy would like a little more reassurance, you scare her a lot, especially when you don't do anything! Don't tell her, but it reminds her of your brothers, and we're not ready for you to meet them yet, not for a long long time. And I know the doctor says your mommy's cervix is starting to dilate, but that doesn't mean you need to make your way out any time soon, you still have at least six weeks of growing to do, and we're not really ready on this end either, your room is painted, we hope you like it, and you have a very nice blanket that your Auntie Annie got for you with a matching tiny sleep suit, but that's it!" He glanced up at Katniss who seemed to be asleep – her eyes were lightly shut and her mouth had fallen open a tad, and her face had completely relaxed. He continued on, "Your mommy is very worried, and it stresses her out a bit too much, she's been through a lot and she's been very brave, and she's very brave now bringing you into the world." He kissed a few spots around Katniss' belly, hoping one would reach their child for he didn't know what position was being occupied, "Anyway, we all love you very much, me and your mommy, and all your aunts and uncles, and your Grandma's and Grandpa's." He still hadn't felt any movements, "Come on little Mellark!" He said a little louder, "You don't need to be scared of anything!" He kept on saying his little speech over and over with variations each time, and he closed his eyes, as soon as he felt himself starting to drift off he felt a firm kick or push into one of his hands. It roused him immediately, he looked up and saw Katniss stirring and moving her hands down to caress her belly. She smiled in her light sleep and Peeta grinned to himself before shuffling up to encase her in his arms and napping with her.

 

Peeta took a leave from work so he could be with her until at least their appointment on Wednesday, he was afraid to leave her alone in case she worked herself up into something. She needed to keep as calm and chilled out as possible to help the baby feel the same. They enjoyed spending some leisurely time together, sitting in the garden under the shade of one of the large trees, going for walks around the city and up near Gales home in the woods – although it was far too hot to do any activity for very long, Katniss felt like it was the hottest summer she'd ever felt, and it looked like once they were into August it would only get worse. Katniss wore long sundresses to keep her skin cool and she was constantly guzzling down water to keep herself hydrated, it didn't bode well when the baby was already always squeezing on her bladder, so it felt like she constantly needed to pee, it annoyed her to no end, but Peeta soothed her out of her growing rage and reminded her that the baby was only vying for some space, her organs paid the price now, but it meant that, firstly, their baby was growing, and secondly that it would all be over soon, and with some optimism, she felt there would be a baby at the end. Katniss had only felt a few Braxton Hicks contractions since they rushed into the doctors office at the weekend, but the baby was moving quite regularly. After a long conversation with her mother, she decided that being dilated at this stage was seen more often than you'd think, and it didn't mean that the baby would be born soon, it was just how different womens bodies handled things.

So she felt more at ease by this, and pretty happy to be going into the appointment on Wednesday. It was with their usual doctor, who greeted them with smiles and discussed everything through from that weekend. Katniss praised the baby for the regular movements that she felt and the doctor nodded and clicked away on the computer, and then she gave her account of the Braxton hicks contractions she had felt (for she had kept a detailed diary of exactly when and for how long, and exactly what she was feeling and how they felt compared to the others – they all felt exactly the same, which seemed to be a good sign in Katniss' mind). The doctor began her exam, "Right, just relax Katniss" she said as she began the examination to check for dilation – although it was intrusive, Katniss found it was something she could deal with if it gave her peace of mind that the baby was staying put for now – "Ok, there's definite dilation, almost 3 centimetres" the doctor removed her hand and Katniss looked at Peeta with a worried expression. She hadn't felt anything unusual and yet she'd still dilated almost another centimetre without even being aware of it, Peeta gulped and reluctantly turned to the doctor, "What does this mean? That was pretty fast, I mean Katniss is only just 34 weeks" he garbled on a little aimlessly and the doctor reassured them, "I know this is seeming scary, but trust me, there are many woman around this time who present with dilation and go on to carry their babies until full term." "But what about my … history" Katniss said quietly, almost with a sad tone, "What if my body is preparing to …" she didn't need to finish her question for anyone to understand where it was going. The doctor sat on her chair right up at Katniss' head and put her hand on Katniss' shaking shoulder, "There's nothing to indicate that anything is going wrong, we're monitoring you closely now, and we will continue to do so. It's about taking each step as it comes, the baby is our priority and it will stay that way – if this one shows any signs of distress or shows a desire to make an early appearance we can handle those situations if they come. Alright?" Katniss kept her eyes locked on the doctors and slowly nodded her head, "Yes" she said.

 

Katniss' confidence was making progress, and Peeta felt so proud of her. She seemed so much more comfortable in her own skin – sure, she was still terrified, but two further appointments hearing the heartbeat managed to provide a pull for her, keeping her relaxed and at ease.

 

35 weeks and 3 days was when that changed though. Peeta had finally relented and gone back to work under Katniss' firm demands, all she did was wander around their house all day every day, talking to the baby, there was no point in Peeta staying with her when he could be out occupying himself. By lunchtime she'd had two of, what she thought, were Braxton hicks contractions, but when there was a much more defined tightening for a little longer a period in the early afternoon, she wasn't so sure of what she'd felt earlier. Peeta was due home at 5 or 6 in the evening, and by then Katniss had had 4 more contractions – there was no point in telling herself they were just Braxton hicks, it all just felt different this time, she couldn't hide that from her own mind. She tidied up a little to keep her thoughts away from her own body, and when the slight pain hit she would gently massage her stomach and walk slowly around whichever room she was in. She had seemed to find some rational thinking over the day, and what kept her calm were the constant movements of the baby, and the knowledge that she was let to lose her mucus plug or her waters. Thinking about it, it would have seemed logical to call someone – her mother, or any one of her friends, Peeta for goodness sakes! But there was something … nice about being in this, in this moment, alone.

 

She was sitting on their bed, her back facing the door, her body swaying a little to each side as she rubbed the tension from her stomach when Peeta got home, he called out to her, and from somewhere she managed to reply with an 'Upstairs', "Katniss?" he said cautiously, standing in the doorway to their room, "Mmmhmmm" she replied, still trying to clear the end of the contraction, "You ok?" he asked. Normally she was quite peaceful by the evenings, so to see her in such a tense place was odd, he really didn't know what to think, he often never did with Katniss these days. Katniss' eyes were still closed tightly, "I had a contraction, 4, 5, maybe 6? They're … fine though, I just need to relax", her voice wavered almost cracking, "What?!" Peeta almost yelled, rushing in front of her, she looked fearful and ever so terrified in her face, her body seemed glued in one position like she didn't want to move in case it did something. She swallowed thickly, "it's fine, the little one is still moving" she told him, Peeta felt his heart rate increase and a plan of action began forming in his head, "No Katniss, it's not fine, are you sure they're actual contractions? Are they worse than the previous ones?" She nodded her response and he could see her eyes well up, "We need to get you to the hospital, this little one" he placed his hand on her belly, "still has some growing to do. Come on." He said, but Katniss remained still, closing her eyes again and gently smoothing her hand over her belly. After a few moments she seems to come to her senses a little and opens her eyes, "Ok?" he asks and helps her stand, supporting her out to the car, picking up the emergency bag on the way.

 

She sits closed off in the silent car, seemingly unaware of the world, "Katniss, are you ok? Please keep talking to me" "Yeah," she said to him, not extending her answer. After another few blocks she spoke again, "it feels right though, natural, I think this is meant to happen." She dropped her head to keep her eyes on her belly, he could tell she was crying from panic and terror. He wasn't sure what she meant though with her last words, if she meant the miracle of giving birth felt natural, or if she meant that she was meant to give birth to their baby 5 weeks early, he hoped it was just the hormones that had her seemingly confused and it wasn't something else, something psychological. He wasn't quite sure what to make of it, but it wasn't at the top of his list of concerns for that moment – the priority was to the hospital to check on the baby.

 

Peeta firmly held her up as they walked from the car into the hospital and continued to do so while they were directed to maternity where he helped her onto an examination bed in a consult room. A midwife came and spoke to them and listened to everything that had been going on, and she didn't hesitate to set up monitors for the baby's heart rate and the contractions, "These ones are just temporary," she told them, "if we decide you need to stay in we'll get you sorted with the better ones in a room." She smiled at them, trying to be a comfort, "Well there's a nice heartbeat" she said once all the machines were turned on and loaded, Peeta squeezed Katniss' hand and they both let out a breath of relief, "We'll keep this one on for about an hour to see if there's any more activity, we just have to see how it all plays out." She pulled open a folder and took down some details and asked some questions until she'd be able to access their records once they were pulled from the system, "So this is your first baby?" she asked, innocent to their past, Katniss turned her head away from the young midwife and watched the screens of the monitors, she willed herself not to get upset, but she couldn't help it, not when the last time they'd been in this situation they hadn't heard a heartbeat, hadn't been able to have happiness. Peeta looked at her worriedly before turning to the midwife, her face was blushed and she began to apologise for asking, he stopped her, "This is the furthest we've gotten, third pregnancy" he said rather quietly, she nodded and he could see a look in her eyes as she wrote it down briefly. She only asked the most important questions after that before leaving them to sort other things out.

 

She went back to the nurses station and tried to chase up the records on the Mellarks, she'd definitely have to be thorough with the history before she could go back there. It was only her second month qualified and she felt like she put her foot in almost everything. "You okay?" one of her colleagues asked, she nodded and gave a small smile, "Yeah, I just need to get these notes for the couple that just came in, I feel so bad for them. She's 35 weeks, having contractions – it's her third pregnancy but the most successful so far, and they're just so young" She was still waiting for the computer to load, and the colleague pulled the notes towards herself to see, "The Mellarks? I was with them back … must be maybe 8 years now, miscarriage about 12 weeks. They may seem young now, but they were practically just children back then, she had a really tough time." This stirred something in the young midwife, "Do you know who was with them the … second time?" she felt hesitant to ask, but if someone had been here who the Mellarks had bonded with that would be good, it could help ease them a little, but the older midwife shook her head "No, that was 5 years ago now, it wasn't here, 'bout 2 hours west, can't remember which hospital, but they had been away with family when it happened, she was 6 months along, poor girl." They ended their conversation as the history came through on Katniss Mellark. It was a very large folder, probably the largest she'd seen through her training, she could already tell this would be a tough and most likely heart wrenching patient, and she needed to put her best foot forward.

 

"I'm sorry" Peeta said to Katniss once they were alone, "I should have thought to bring our copy of your notes, that's my fault" but Katniss shook him off, "No, I could have handled it, but … it was just … the contractions are so much like last time." He holds her gently around the shoulders, her heading leaning onto his chest, tears soaking his shirt, "We'll be fine" she told him, putting on a brave face, he smiled down at her. They sat like that, occasionally chatting, for the hour they had to wait until their midwife came back. Peeta quite liked her, he thought she looked enthusiastic and willing to help, Katniss just felt reminded of Prim – the midwife was about her age and they had a similar build and hair colour, it made her long for Prim.

 

For the midwife it was a long hour, she could have probably done a few rounds on some of the women she had assisted with in their labours, but she spent it reading about Katniss Mellark. It was almost too dramatic and heartbreaking to be true, she almost couldn't believe the terrible luck they'd seemed to have – going into labour at 35 weeks was far from ideal, but considering the history, it seemed like a miracle. She read about their first loss when they were only in their early twenties, it had been a late first trimester miscarriage that Katniss had taken hard but managed to get through. After that there was nothing in the record until the first appointment with her second pregnancy when she was 25, before even reading about this she glanced at the end of the report, which stated that it was inconclusive as to what had happened. It had been a healthy pregnancy, she had no risk factors, nothing seemed out of the ordinary, there were no accidents, no traumas, it seemed to just … happen. The notes were considerably heavier after this, in more ways than one. It was deep and dark, and it almost made her want to hand the case over to one of her more experiences mentors, who would have at least maybe experienced something similar before, but she didn't. She wanted to do something to help this couple.

 

"Well there's a small contraction, twenty minutes ago – how did it feel? Worse than the previous ones?" Katniss replied, "The same as the last two, but a little stronger than the ones I was feeling this morning" the midwife nodded, "Ok, is it alright for me to check your dilation? I have here that you were 3cm at 34 weeks and 2cm not long before that?" "Sure, that's right" Katniss said, clinging to Peeta and only letting go to stand and remove her pyjama bottoms which she had embarrassingly come in wearing. Peeta helped her back onto the bed, and gently propped up her legs while the midwife got gloves on. "I know you're scared, but just relax as much as you can" the midwife told her softly, Katniss kept her eyes connected to Peeta's, searching the blue depths where she found some excitement and definitely a spring of hope. He only found terror in her eyes, terror for their child, terror for the possibility. The midwife was finished before they realised, "4cm dilated, I wasn't sure on your effacement though" she admitted to them, "How can I be dilating?" Katniss asked despairingly, "I haven't been feeling anything that bad", the midwife gave her a sympathetic smile, "I'm going to talk over things with the senior midwife, but I think we'll keep you in for observations, you're dilation is progressing, albeit slowly, but I think it would be best just to keep an eye on everything." At this point Katniss knew that she'd read absolutely everything on her that they had, probably everything that said she couldn't handle things and would essentially be a mess if they had to go home. Peeta was grateful that the midwife had paid attention to detail, this sort of thing would hopefully be of comfort to Katniss, knowing they were somewhere safe for their baby.

 

And they did end up staying. Peeta made all the calls to the right people rather late, it was close to midnight now, but they were glad he did call – her parents and his, well his father at least, didn't want to miss out, and they knew they'd have to be there just in case. It wasn't good to always think of the just in case, but it was a necessary evil unfortunately. They were all quite determined to go in right away, but Peeta told them they doubted anything would be happening right now so told them to wait until the morning. After making the calls, he went back to Katniss, who had a terrible frown on her face and her arms crossed on top of her belly – he almost wanted to laugh at the sight, it was so much like the old Katniss, and not even just from the months before this pregnancy, but from the months before any pregnancy, "They said I can't have the pool" Peeta gave her a small smile, "We both know they won't let anyone under 37 weeks in there, we knew that when we looked it up, remember?" She gave him one sharp nod, "But Peeta" she sounded exasperated now, "I can't -" she stopped and closed her eyes, arms unfolding from each other and being placed on the sides of her belly. Her facial muscles tensed and scrunched together. She relaxed a handful of seconds later, "They're getting worse" she admitted fearfully to him, they both knew what this meant, chances were that the baby would be coming soon. There were medications to stop contractions and try and keep the baby in until much closer to the due date, but they'd decided against them early on – if the baby decided to come while his or her heart was still working away nicely and it was generally close to full term, then they'd let nature take it's course. Katniss wasn't sure she wanted to stop something like this, keep the baby in longer, then risk something happening later – that would be the last straw, it would break her and she would only desire to go with her children, her life wouldn't be worth living. "I can't have it the same as before" she said, finishing her sentence from before, "I can't … give birth" her face hardened when she said this, "the same way I had to give birth to our sons." She was on her feet now and he could tell a fire was starting to burn inside, anger was quite good, he was sure, he had read some article or something online saying about how strong emotions could help progress the labour, he didn't want this prolonged agony on Katniss at all. She was pacing a little with her hands on her hips, "I wanted it to be different" she moaned, "this was supposed to be different!" He saddened at her words, it was so tough for her, he tried to gather her into his arms, but she wasn't having any of it, "I'm sorry Peeta, I just don't want to be touched." He couldn't help but feel rejection, though he had to let her have her way, the one in labour was always right.

 

She eventually managed to get five or six hours sleep and woke when her parents and Mr Mellark were all sitting in the room, "Hey" she said sleepily, feeling much less irritated now than she had in the early hours of the morning, and she felt bad for pushing Peeta away. She shuffled over a little in the bed and patted the free space for Peeta to come and join her. When he did she pulled his arm around her shoulder and nestled her head into his neck, muttering apologies to him, but he just kissed her on the forehead a few times before kissing her lips. It was an intimate moment for their parents to be present, but at this point she didn't care. They'd all seen her at the extremes, to see some glimmer of hope or joy would surely make their hearts smile, and it did. Plus it wasn't like they hadn't seen any intimacy between the couple before, they were pregnant, it was obvious they'd had sex for that to happen. Katniss had managed to come a long way in terms of showing intimacy in front of others, she remembered when Peeta had come over for dinner when they had been going out for six months and they were 16, they'd kissed a few times, but she shied away when he tried to kiss her goodnight on her porch – even though the door was closed and her parents weren't next to them, she still thought it was too much, too cringe worthy. It all changed of course not long after that when Peeta's father caught them one afternoon having come home early from work and the couple were being particularly loud in Peeta's bedroom – he made sure to have 'the talk' with them both before calling the Everdeen's and suggesting the same thing. Mrs Mellark of course never found out about this, much to their relief, she would surely have had their heads if she did. But after the initial embarrassment, it seemed to wear off to this comfortable point right now.

 

Other than the almost regular contractions, the day went by pretty uneventfully. They didn't check her dilation and seemed happy to go by the monitors – as long as the baby was happy, there was no point in stressing anyone out. Katniss seemed to become fixated by the numbers though, everytime someone came into the room she almost asked them to check, but Peeta placed his hand on her back and calmed her a little with his eyes. Her mother eventually had to be stern with her, warning her that the baby would react to her feeling worked up and strained, so she quietened down after that. An ultrasound technician came to take a scan at the end of the day to check the growth and to consider the need for any assistance for the baby when it was born, he told them the size was a little on the small side, so not to be concerned if the baby was taken in an incubator to the NICU – this did nothing for Katniss, who burst into a flood of tears as soon as he had left the room. Peeta was the only one to stay with her for a while after that, and he couldn't help but feel that just being there in the hospital was causing more stress than if they were at home. But it would always be a lose-lose situation as they wouldn't have the constant monitor of their baby at home. It took him a good hour to calm her down properly, the strengthening contractions which were now every 15 minutes or so also didn't help. But he knew this meant that it was getting closer. Katniss knew this too but wouldn't admit it to either of them.

 

Her water broke on their second full day in the hospital as she was pacing around their room. She froze as it happened, almost afraid that if she moved the baby might just slip out. "It's ok, Katniss, it's meant to happen" Peeta told her soothingly, but she just eyes him suspiciously as dribbles of the fluid dripped down her legs. Peeta held tightly onto her arms and guided her slow steps toward the bed where he made her sit down before calling for one of the midwives to let her know. "Looks like we might have a baby soon then!" one of them said cheerily as she entered the room. She checked on the charts and looked over the contraction history on the right monitor, they were about 5 minutes apart now, "I'll just have a check on your dilation, you're not in too much pain?" Just as she'd been asked, Katniss felt the now familiar ripple of a contraction moving through her body and she tensed and gripped the bed sheets, Peeta spoke to the midwife as it was happening, while his hands rubbed around Katniss' back, "They've been like this for an hour, maybe a little less" he said, "We can give you something, there's-" the midwife started, but Katniss cut her off quickly, "No drugs" she snapped, still in the contraction, and the midwife didn't bother finishing her sentence. She checked the dilation when Katniss was ready, although it felt much more uncomfortable now, even sitting was becoming awkward – it almost felt like she was going to sit on the baby and crush the head off of whatever surface it was she had sat on. "Almost 8cm, and just about fully effaced" the midwife told them, she checked the baby's heart rate tracing for over the past few hours, "The baby doesn't seem to be minding the contractions too much right now, this little one has a nice steady heart rate." Katniss ignored most of what the midwife was telling her, "I want a natural birth, please, I don't want any interference" the midwife nodded, "We can let you be alone as much as possible, but I'll have to come and check you regularly and need to be here once you're ready to push." Katniss nodded, accepting this, and the midwife left them alone. Her parents and his father were waiting in the waiting area, "Just us," she told Peeta, "we need to do this alone, so we can tell little Mellark just how special it was" She hugged him as close to her as she could, and they shared this moment of peace.

 

It was the last moment of peace they had though as her contractions picked up after that. It didn't even feel like she had time to breath when one finished before the next would start, "I have to get someone sweetheart, as much as you don't like it, I think it's time" Peeta told her nervously, he had forgotten until this point that it wasn't just Katniss becoming a mother once the baby was born, he would finally get to be a father. It dawned on him how little he knew, he'd never changed a diaper in his life, sure he played with their friends kids and looked after them and gave a good amount of attention, but he'd never had to properly look after one of them, not when they were a newborn. He visited each of their friends when they'd had their children, and he'd held them in their first few days, but he hadn't experienced this with Katniss, it was too painful for her heart, and though his ached for their own children, he believed one day there would be one of their own. Katniss hadn't responded to him, so he pressed the call button and the midwife bustled in a few minutes later, "All ready do you think?" Peeta nodded and Katniss remained in her position hunched over the side of the bed, moaning in pain. She had refused to scream so far, refused to admit that she was in pain all over, and that the worst pain wasn't physical. Her heart felt like it was sinking, and her mind was replaying her memories over and over and over again.

 

When she had a moment of rest she spoke up, "I want to be on the bed" she said, and Peeta assisted her onto it and tried to help her get some comfort, but there wasn't any to be had. She lifted her legs to allow the midwife to check her, "You're ready, now you can push if you really feel like you need to, but we don't want you pushing too long, you'll be using a lot of energy" To Katniss there didn't seem like a 'right' way to do this, if she started pushing too early she'd use all her energy, but she felt that if she didn't push that something was going wrong, she was broken out of her thoughts by Peeta, "What do you want me to do baby?" he asked her, she didn't know, she hadn't thought this far, a contraction came before she could give an answer. It was so much more painful than the others, and involuntarily she let out a scream grabbing for Peeta's hand. She found it and clamped her grip down, his other hand held her leg as the midwife was indicating – apparently it would help, "Come on Katniss, you're doing-" but she didn't hear the rest of this sentence, her mind flickered like a movie playing in her head, "Katniss, what the hell are you talking about? What the heck is wrong with you?" he angrily said loudly, she felt confused, this was someone different in front of her, she didn't hear his next words, "Please," she whispered, "don't. Please leave me along right now." She was crying now, not letting him see, he didn't move towards the door, "Peeta just go!" She froze, not knowing what was happening, not knowing what to believe, "I'm having a baby Peeta, that's what's wrong with me! Your baby!" she shouted furiously between gritted teeth, the contraction ended, "But just don't leave me again" she whispered, looking up at his face. He was confused at what she was talking about, it came out of nowhere, "It's ok, I'm not going anywhere, I'm here" Another contraction came and she bore down as instructed, she heard the midwife telling her she was doing well, but she couldn't care less about the woman right now, she wanted to just pause this so she could talk to Peeta, she panted when it ended, and took a few deep breaths to talk quickly before another came, "You shouted at me and left Peeta, I made you leave and you didn't come back-" the next contraction cut her off, Peeta tried not to be phased by what Katniss was talking about, the time he regretted so much from 5 years ago played in his mind and he knew she'd remembered, he had planned to tell her one day, but he just hadn't gotten around to it, there was just never a good time, not a time when she would be stable enough to take it without seeing it as something different. He supported her through the contraction, which quickly rolled into the next one, "Focus Katniss" the midwife said, "bring your chin down onto your chest when you push … good, good Katniss, keep going, just a little longer." Katniss huffed out when she could stop for a second of rest and she gulped air down. The midwife took a second to call for a second midwife who could set up and prepare the incubator, Peeta knew it would be soon, "I can see the head Katniss, Peeta do you want to look?" she asked him, the question surprised him, he hadn't actually thought about it, he looked to Katniss, he knew she mightn't be comfortable with that, though it wasn't surely going to be as bad as anything they'd been through, "Don't blame me if it scars you for life" Katniss remarked to him, he smiled a little and decided to wait, Katniss needed him right where he was.

 

"It's burning" Katniss moaned as she started to push again, the midwife didn't say anything and Peeta kept encouraging and praising Katniss, "Just starting to crown now, catch your breath and one more and the head will be out" Fear and adrenaline ran through both Katniss and Peeta's veins, they were terrified of everything at this point, their baby had always been fine on the monitor, but what if something happened as soon as it was outside the womb? Things happened, it could happen to them. Katniss began pushing on her own accord without any guidance, her screams loudened, Peeta was sure their parents would be able to hear from down the corridor, she swore loudly just once and the midwife began to prepare, "Good girl Katniss, that's the head out" Peeta took his opportunity to look and see this miracle, he wasn't sure what to expect, but he saw just the back of the head with a small covering of dark brown hair. The head itself looked quite small, but he didn't have much to compare it to, he went back to Katniss immediately, "It's beautiful" he whispered, kissing her forehead several times before getting back into his position as she began to push again, "Just the shoulders now" the midwife said, and everything else seemed to happen so quickly. Katniss flopped backwards with relief as she felt the baby move from her body completely. The midwife rubbed at the little body with a towel for what seemed like the longest second, and a tiny yet determined cry came from between her legs. Tears of joy and relief poured from both of their eyes, life was all they could think about. The life of their baby. How much it was wanted and loved already. And the two who were looking down in support of their new sibling. Neither of them had seen the baby yet and they already felt so much for it, "Congratulations, it's a girl" the midwife said joyously, holding the baby up for them to see before suddenly placing her onto Katniss' chest. More tears sprung from the pair of them. A girl. A sister for their two boys. Katniss' arms quickly found the baby, and the shook as she touched her daughter for the first time, "Hi" she whispered to the crying baby lying ontop of her, "hi." She didn't know what else to say. Peeta leaned down and gave the tiny baby a kiss on the forehead before turning to his wife, "I'm so proud of you, both of you" he emphasised their daughter, then kissed Katniss.

 

The placenta had been delivered in this time and neither of them had noticed, for the midwife was now clearing everything up. The second midwife approached the couple and their newborn carefully, she had been with them those years ago, when they lost their first child, "Congratulations" she said to them, "I just need to take the baby over there," she indicated the station across the room, in eyeline from the bed, "to check her over, but she's crying well, so it's a good sign her lungs are developed ok." Katniss didn't want to let her go, but she had to, she wouldn't be able to live with herself if there was something under the surface that was wrong and she hadn't let the baby be checked soon enough. Neither of their sets of eyes left their daughter, neither of them even wanted to blink. This midwife ran her checks twice and measured and weighed the baby, she wanted to be certain, she couldn't let this couple down, she knew how much this baby meant to them. When she was sure that the baby was alright, she wrapped her up in a soft blanket, placing a small white hat on her head, she turned to the couple who seemed to be staring her down, "She's as good as gold, she's quite small, but I think we expected that, 16.5 inches long and she weighs 4 pounds 10 ounces" The numbers sound so small to Katniss, all of their friends baby's had been at least 7 pounds, Annie's son had been almost 9 – she knew that Peeta thought she didn't pay attention to those things, but she did, and it did make her heart ache, but she still liked to know these things, she thought it would make Peeta happy. "Do you want to come and get her, Daddy?" the midwife spoke up, Peeta's face broke into a smile and he eagerly rushed to their daughter, she looked so small bundled in the blanket and little hat. The midwife placed her gently in his arms, and he became worried – it barely felt like he was holding anything at all. But he couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Her own eyes were still closed, but she was making small cries, letting everyone know exactly where she was, he found that that was something he liked. She seemed to already know just what her parents needed from her. He took his steps carefully back over to Katniss, who watched on tiredly, he could see her eyes drooping a little, she needed rest, but he doubted she'd take any. He sat on the bed next to Katniss, holding their daughter out so she could see. Katniss' fingers ghosted over the tiny face, "She's so small" Katniss whispered, "she won't fit in the little suit." Peeta had completely forgotten about that – the beautiful little sleep suit that Katniss had allowed herself to buy a handful of weeks ago now. Then it dawned on him that nothing was ready at home for a baby. He had the furniture stored in boxes at the Everdeen's house, she hadn't let him buy any, so he'd bought it in secret and was waiting until closer to the time before setting it up. They had a few items of clothing that people had given them, although they were small, he knew they probably would be too big to fit their tiny early daughter. Katniss looked like she would fall asleep, "You can rest, why don't I take her to meet her grandparents?" Her eyes snapped open, "No, she's not leaving my sight" "Ok," Peeta gave a small smile, "You rest and we'll be right here" he said, moving to the chair next to the bed. She nodded sleepily and tried to keep her eyes open so she could watch Peeta marvel over the baby, but the exhaustion overcame her and she was asleep within seconds. Peeta couldn't help but stare at the life in his arms, she was so precious, he was sucked in as soon as he'd seen her. Her little fingers were moving around and her face was scrunched up. Her eyelids started to flicker open and closed a little, after a few times, they remained open. And he saw his own eyes staring back up at him – he couldn't even feel disappointed that they weren't Katniss' because she was just so beautiful. The time passed quickly, and she soon started fussing and crying, their midwife came back along, "I think it's time for something to eat" she said, Katniss had still been asleep, but woke at this, and Peeta placed the baby into her open arms. The midwife helped her move her clothes and showed her the right position to hold the baby in and to get the angle of her head right, Peeta watched in wonder, enthralled by this. It took a few attempts, but eventually the baby got the hang of it and latched on to Katniss' breast looking for her first meal.

 

The next few hours were very much a blur of people streaming in an out – doctors doing some checks on the baby, the midwives checking for any bleeding from Katniss, and then their parents of course, and a surprise visit from Prim. She'd arrived just in time to hear Katniss' screams and had gone and sat with her parents, waiting for the news. Eventually, after having let Katniss have some rest and then giving their baby her first meal, Peeta went down the hallway to bring their families to see their daughter. He couldn't contain his grin as he went to see them, "A girl!" he said, "You can come through and meet her" He received embraces from everyone and was surprised to see Prim there, "I wouldn't miss this for the world" she told him, wrapping her arms around him, "And don't worry about the nursery, everything's done and I have the car seat in my car" He thanked her, "There's a lot of stuff we still need to get, and we might need to buy some smaller things, she's very small, but she's doing well" he said, speaking more to the whole group. He led them back to the room and peaked his head around the door to see Katniss smiling down at their little baby whose eyes were wide open, he pushed the door fully open and let their parents and Prim come in. They all gushed and had turns at holding their daughter, commenting on how small she was – it worried Katniss, but her mother reassured her that she would grow soon and it would hardly be noticeable that she was tiny to start with. "What's her name?" Prim asked while rocking the baby, Peeta and Katniss shared a glance, "We haven't really decided" he said, "It wasn't worth the risk" Katniss added, and the subject was dropped as Prim cooed over the baby. After a few hours everyone left to give the happy new parents some more time alone and time to rest, even though their baby seemed quite content with all the different people to gaze at.

 

"What do we do now?" Katniss asked Peeta sleepily that night. Their daughter, who was still nameless, slept in a hospital bassinet between Katniss in the bed and Peeta on a chair. Katniss continued, "I'm so scared," she admitted to him in a whisper, "we have this now." She said, indicating the tiny baby, "I know" said Peeta, "Me too." Katniss sighed and looked longingly at the precious face before her, "I love her so much already, I feel so … so …", "Happy" Peeta finished for her, she nodded and their eyes met, tears fell down both of their cheeks. They were a mix of mourning for their pasts, yet happiness for their future, for what this daughter brought to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my first completed story! It was one of my first ventures into writing FanFiction and at the time of writing I didn't even think people would read the story if I asked them to, so it's (probably quite clearly) un-beta'd! Since then my confidence has definitely increased a little and I'm not so afraid to speak to others in the fandom - all my future stories will indeed be Beta'd!
> 
> Kirsten =)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, and thanks for pursuing with this chapter until the end! Some of you may have read this already on FanFiction.net earlier in the year but I've decided to publish it here also. I have published it with no changes, however I may give it a minor re-write in the future to correct some of the tenses in the story which I know chop and change.
> 
> The nature of this chapter, and the whole story, is very serious and may cause upset to readers, if you have any concerns or simply want to talk then I am always happy to be an ear for you.
> 
> Thanks for your time =)


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